Hi,

Not sure how to start with this one, but essentially I have had the same issue twice now, both with my ex wife who I was with for 16 years & my current partner who I have been with for approx a year and a half....and am a bit perplexed how to over come the problem.

I am 39, would say I have quite a healthy sex drive & quite open minded when it comes to sexual stuff. I am not a pushy lover and totally respect boundries and that different people are into different stuff......I like older women, my wife was 10 years older & my current partner is 13 years older, but in both cases it seems they are not willing to step outside of a very tight boundary box which stems from a being given a very negative outlook of sex from their childhood / parents....I would like to try different stuff, maybe some anal play & dressing up in sexy undies, but it is a massive hurdle to over come, even though I have tried talking it through & being understanding, just wondered if anyone could offer up some practical advice?

Regards

Langley

Sounds like you're trying to change a lifetime of what is now habit. It will take a lot of time, but I would say bring it up now and again without trying to push it. If you can as a "gag gift" buy her some sexy lingerie. Perhaps making a joke out of it will make the subject more comfortable, and then subsequently eventually more considerable. I'm just spit balling though and it's based on what's been discussed in my presence by people older and wiser than me.

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"BOY: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? GIRL: Will he offer me his mouth? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his teeth? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his jaws? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his hunger? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Again, will he offer me his hunger? BOY: Yes! GIRL: Yes. BOY: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? GIRL: Yes. BOY: I bet you say that to all the boys!" -Meatloaf

^^^ sounds like a reasonable approach.

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Eudaimonia

Depends on what you mean by "gag gift," LS. I don't think I'd be pushing the boundaries of reality by suggesting that giving any woman a gift of lingerie as a "joke" would not go over very well. People who are uncomfortable about sex aren't going to be amused, nor is a woman going to appreciate the idea that her donning sexy undies is somehow funny.

These are the wages of puritanism, and it hurts not only the women who were brought up to believe that nice girls don't, and shouldn't, but also those who love them, and want to express that physically.

I think the key is figuring out where your entry point is with your lover; badgering ain't going to do it. For example, I'm happy to watch porn with my hubby, and have done since were were younguns and dating. We end up discussing what's on the screen as much as we ogle it, and it is there we find common ground on things we might like to try (although after all these years, our biggest complaint is that the pros aren't nearly as creative as we are), and pointing out things that don't do it for us. If she's up for that, it might be a way in. Then again, porn may be another of those things nice girls don't enjoy, according to your love. You know your partner. You need to figure out where there's some wiggle room, some openness, and figure out how you can introduce some ideas about what you want in a way that is how SHE needs to hear it. Maybe she is up for games, where you each enact out some fantasy act for 5 mins, long enough for her to really know whether she likes it or not, but there's an end to it. If your theory is correct, you might need to find some good sex-positive feminist writers who up-end all this nice girl prudery and give her an alternative viewpoint that is about her needs and desires, rather than that of the man who wants to get some in a certain way, you know?

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AZ, I can assure you I didn't mean to suggest that any woman looks funny in lingerie. However, there is plenty of lingerie that is supposed to be funny. Such as the briefs where a man's penis is inside an elephants trunk. The idea would be to buy something so outlandish that it's funny. Not buy something that is supposed to be sexy as a gag gift. The idea for the "gag gift" was to follow her becoming more comfortable with the subject, not before. I hope this clears up what I posted.

On another note, AZ you are one the nice girls. You just happen to have access to the "dark side" which seems to be denied to langley's love.

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"BOY: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? GIRL: Will he offer me his mouth? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his teeth? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his jaws? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his hunger? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Again, will he offer me his hunger? BOY: Yes! GIRL: Yes. BOY: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? GIRL: Yes. BOY: I bet you say that to all the boys!" -Meatloaf

I thought he was talking about him in the sexy undies. *shrugs*

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I don't think he would have mentioned wanting to wear sexy undies if he was the one wanting to wear them. However, you could be right.

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"BOY: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? GIRL: Will he offer me his mouth? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his teeth? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his jaws? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his hunger? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Again, will he offer me his hunger? BOY: Yes! GIRL: Yes. BOY: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? GIRL: Yes. BOY: I bet you say that to all the boys!" -Meatloaf

Thxs for all the replies, given me stuff to consider....and for the record was not talking about me in undies, though it has been known (long story)!

Although it may sound as though I want this just for my benefit, well if I could convince her to wear some stocking I would be very appreciative......but it is also because I think my partner would benefit from a bit more openness, maybe realise that pleasure of many different types & ways can be had, as there is stuff I am pretty sure she would really enjoy if she would just be willing to try it.

She has indicated that she may be willing to try some stuff after a few drinks.....but she wont have a few drinks cos she does not like the drunk feeling, just have to keep going with the softly softly approach and see what happens, but going on my 16 marriage this can mean waiting a lot of years for not alot of progress!!

Ah well,

Langley

They say patience is a virtue. Only one or two drinks has been known to lower inhibitions enough for some things and that shouldn't give her the "drunk feeling". Each person is different though.

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"BOY: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? GIRL: Will he offer me his mouth? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his teeth? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his jaws? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his hunger? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Again, will he offer me his hunger? BOY: Yes! GIRL: Yes. BOY: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? GIRL: Yes. BOY: I bet you say that to all the boys!" -Meatloaf

perhaps your choices are leading you towards more restrained women. Lifetime habits are difficult to change. Why change them if they're not what you want then you make the change instead of pushing them to something they don't want.

I love sushi. Do I think everyone should? nope. Matter of fact Marlboro is deathly allergic to seafood. Is it so important that we share my love of sushi? nope. I just get it a lot less.


You might try a lingerie gift and tell her " I would love to see you in this" or " this is for you to unwrap now, I'll return the favor later" or some other cheese ball line with sincerity. Don't suggest leather and chains right out of the gate. try something tasteful and just a little more risque than her general taste.

If she's a white bra and granny panties girl try black lacey and bikini cut....

If the person is not what you need in a relationship then find someone who is.

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As for anal..... my rule now is you get to fuck my ass after i fuck yours. some people just don't like ass play.

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-Seems we got here just in the nick of time. Whats that make us?
--Big damn heros Sir.
-Ain't we just.

Deal breakers sometimes turnout heart breakers. I've been there. To my astonishment my heart is just ignorant enough to not know that a break is about to hit, and after having been shredded before! I've been left standing without, & have walked, knowing it would be good-bye. Both ways is a painful drag and interferes with the "feel good" quotient.

In all I've discovered that in my search for some satisfactions there are way-points just as in navigating the seas. In living and finding for ones self intimate indulgences there are storms and favorable winds all in the same day at times. Learning the signs that lead to whirlpools or cyclones only works when I heed the warning or follow the true sign to my sexual/sensual goal.
(dawn)
red sky in morning sailors take warning;
red sky at night sailors delight! (dusk)

It may be time to try a different or new tack in your navigating the negotiations in your love relationship. It doesn't mean you've change. It means you've reached an understanding about your own efforts to experiment sexually/sensually.
Decide for yourself if what you want is something you are willing to pursue until you have it, or; if you can drop it and pay it no thought ever again.
Is it a deal breaker?
Don't do this too soon. The other person may want to go where you'd like to go, but is in another cultural mindset {this term "cultural mindset" is extremely vague. Only because of my limited brain}.

Be awesomely alert to nuances and body language whilst making love.
Be prepared to introduce minute gradients (tiny advances) in the pursuit of your goal in sex play. Show that you are not unwilling to do the very same that you're asking.


intercourse
   /ˈɪntərˌkɔrs, -ˌkoʊrs/ Show Spelled[in-ter-kawrs, -kohrs] Show IPA
noun
1.dealings or communication between individuals, groups, countries, etc.
2.interchange of thoughts, feelings, etc.
3.sexual relations or a sexual coupling, especially coitus.


Words might fuck up a good opportunity, when a small action step in the desired direction could provide the sought after ice breaker.

WHAM ! !

You may have adroitly found the path to higher shared sensuality.
In the game of cards of life one "ice-breaker" trumps one "deal-breaker."

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Langely,
Having been thru similar circumstances with similar partners - I can attest that what you face are essentially a breaking down of barriers brought about as lifelong recriminations for previous experimentations during your partners' early life.

Can you change them? Unless they were traumatized thru rape or Abuse, You can - but it will not happen OVERNIGHT, and certainly, closer to a few months... and even that, may not amount to as much change as you want.

First things first... Their attitudes to what you want to try in the bedroom, will require YOU to change.

Women tend to suffer greatly from LOW self-esteem.

What you will have to do is bolster their low self-esteem by offering them small compliments, from time to time... followed closely (before and AFTER the compliments), by admiration on your part, for anything they've done that is similar to what you want them to do for you.

If you want her to wear sexy underwear... make remarks of how good you think she looks in her clothes, underwear, etc. Hold your Compliments for her until AFTER you show her a beaming smile.. whereby she will ask you WHY you're smiling. THEN you tell her your compliment.

Start small and try NOT to over do it ... "I love how you look in that dress".... or "That bra makes you look simply delicious".

Ignore the fact that it may sound silly or Cheesy to you. You have to mean it and your body's posture, your eyes, even your arms all have to say the same thing.

Imagine that you just saw her in the most sexiest of underwear, and you will project the right attitude.

If you've never complimented her taste in clothes, her body, or even her looks - you will have to start with even smaller compliments... and with varying frequency so that she doesn't get suspicious.

If she DOES get suspicious... tell her something like you've reminded of why you first fell in love with her, etc.

Follow this behaviour with small gifts, in line with the subject of your compliments. Include a note that says something like: "I thought of you when I saw this....", or send her flowers, unexpectly, with a note that says "I love you".

If you DO send flowers, remember a few flowers or a small bouquet says "thinking of you".. whereas a dozen or more flowers says "I'm feeling guilty".

Over time, buys her gifts related to what you want her to wear... and all the while, compliment her on her tastes in underwear.. but leave room for criticism - say something like: "I like what you're wearing... Have you ever considered wearing something more daring (or sexier) that would really compliment you?

Now, don't quote me exactly... these compliments have to be in your words.. and in your way of thinking.

Good luck

Langley,

Sorry to be late into this. What you are saying here is that you want to change the attitude of a lady to suit what you want. The idea of choosing someone as a partner whom you can change to suit you is just a little bit Svengali.

After your ex-wife left the scene, apparently in part over this issue, you had the opportunity to find someone whose ideas more closely met yours, but instead you chose another repressed lady.

It is fair enough to float the flag and see which way the wind blows, but to try and "beat her down" into submission is not OK.

Try buying her a complete outfit, tasteful, but with an edge. Lingerie and shoes to go with them. Book a good restaurant, a little wine with the dinner (tell her that it's OK with food, or that the food needs the wine to complete the taste), dance a bit and take her home.

Then remember that no means no if she baulks.

Be fair and honest, and deal with the consequences.

Hereby endeth the soapbox.

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