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"Set free your morals should be written on every door." --Hothouse Flowers
The conversation is getting heated, but fascinating. I think it's important to know what you'll stand for, what you will not, and find the person or persons who agree with you. And be strong enough, and honest enough, to clearly state your needs. If you want life long fidelity, don't date the polyamorous person. Neither of you will be happy, and each of us deserves what we desire and need. We don't have to settle.
I have been married to my best friend for almost 10 years, together 13, and he's still my favorite person on the planet. We've had our share of marital misery, just like other people. He was my first, and has always been a wonderful, fantastic, creative, and generous lover. But that doesn't mean I wasn't curious.
I had lovers. He had a couple. It wasn't cheating, in my book, because we did it it with each others full knowledge, consent, encouragement, and, sometimes, participation. I won't say it wasn't hard sometimes--horribly hard. But I don't regret it for a minute, and I'd do it again, smarter this time. I learned that there IS a difference between love and sex, that you CAN love more than one person at a time, that there are different kinds of love. I learned a lot of things about myself and my world.
I think maybe where the feeling of betrayal may lie is not necessarily in the sex, but in the lies, the hiding, symptomatic of the breakdown (and subsequent letdown) that means you can no longer tell each other what you need, what you want.
Sometimes you can fix it, sometimes you can't. I think it'd be ideal for folks to be honest and make a clean break, or even appreciate what they have and go looking for the missing pieces, and find their bliss, but I don't know their situation. It's easy for me to give advice from way over here.
I know you're in pain, Revy. Sound like a lot of folks are. But we all will have to find our own way, make our own mistakes. And maybe there are better ways for people to ease their pain, but I for one can't fault them for finding whatever way they can.
As for your comment, "I do have guidelines of how I need to live my life and I don't get to change them mid script. I do know the difference between right and wrong, and I have to accept the fact that life will seldom suit me and that every single day can't be all about me," I don't believe the script is written. I believe you write it every day, every hour, every second. I think that with every breath, you can change your life. I think life SHOULD suit you, and if it ain't, it's time to stop suffering. You deserve joy. You were born for joy; every day is about you. It's already yours--reach out and take it.
Hugs,
Red
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