Hey gang,

I'm back with yet another stupid question.

Can those of you who are, or were raised by Step-Parents please help me define what one is.

My wife and I are still headed for divorce, as I have touched in other threads, but I need to know what the role of a step-parent is in a marriage, or even in a relationship.

My wife refuses to specifically define what she expects my role to be, in the next few years, but she has told me that her daughters don't want me to be their dad, since they still have him, and I have not asked for that role, but she also says that she doesn't want me to be a parent to her daughters. She wants me to be her husband, however. I don't understand how I can be one and not the both.

What does being a step parent mean? How much input do you have as one...what things can a step-parent define involving the children. Obviously each case will be different, and most definatly not as messed up as mine is, but I JUST CAN'T define what being a step-parent is.

Since I am a product of a non- divorced marriage myself, and to be honest, I never grew up knowing what a step-parent is/was when I was growing up.

Thanks.

Tough position you're in...but I'm not too clear on what is going on in your situation. You said you "are still headed for divorce" and then go on to say, "She wants you to be her husband, however." I also do not know the age of the children involved, which has a big impact on your role, as does the role of their biological father. However, based on the information that you did give, here is my input:

1. You are NOT their dad...do not try to replace him in their lives.
2. You ARE their step-father...be their role model & mentor when you can!
3. Be supportive to their mother, and openly/honsetly express your opinion when differences do occur.
4. Set appropriate limits on their behavior & set clear, consistent boundaries!
5. Discuss this issue & your concerns with your wife, and DEMAND what she expects your role to be! You cannot be excluded from the decision making process if the two of you are to be married.
6. VERY IMPORTANTLY: Realize that the children should be your wife's priority over you, yet you deserve "your" time as well!
7. MORE IMPORTANTLY: DO NOT fall into the trap of ever blaming the children for ANY marital discord that may ensue. You may feel they are to blame, but never reveal those feelings to the children! To be successful in a blended family, you and your wife MUST be able to discuss the issues, expectations, disciplinary response, etc. And you MUST be able to reach a mutual compromise. Hope this helps, a little, coming from someone who has been there done that!!! Good luck and keep us posted!!!

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I wish all the ladies were pies on the shelf...and I was the baker because I'd eat them all myself.
I wish all the ladies were potholes in the road...and I was a dumptruck because I'd fill them with my load.

What he ^^^ said, very well.

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"Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets. So love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don't, and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, then let it, and if you have to wait for what you really want, take the time because nobody said that life would be easy. They just promised it would be worth it." ~ Unknown author

The girls involved are 15 (to be 16 in August, and 13) as well as my son who is 6.

I have told her that if I were to return to support her which is why she wants me back, that I must have a defined role in the relationship, divorced or not. I also stressed to her that IF I were to return, that I become a step-parent...whatever that is.

She told me that she would refuse to acknowledge me as a "parent" since she would not support decisions that I could/would make AS a parent, since she doesn't feel as though I am capable of making "intelligent parenting decisions".

Since she still wants me around, I am left to wonder what I am....since she doesn't want me to "parent", except to my son, but not her girls. I don't understand what my "role" will be in things. I guess that is why I am asking what a "step parent" is.

Maybe this will help?

Again, based on the information that you have provided, you need to make a clearly defined decision. You said that she wants you back to support her...if that is the case, RUN....don't walk, but RUN LIKE HELL!!! She is using you! Unless the common laws of your state mandate that you owe a financial burden to your step-children, you do not!!! The way you speak about their biological father leads me to believe that he is paying his child support...is he??? If so, she is simply trying to complement that with your support. If not, she is merely trying to compensate for "his" lack of support compounded by her own inability to financially provide for her own children. At 15 & 13, about all you can really do is demonstrate what kind of "man" you really are...NEVER personalize their reaction(s) to you...NEVER belittle their mother (or father) in their presence...let them know that you DO care & are interested in their well-being...let them know that you can & will be an unbiased ear to lean on, etc. But do not stay with their mother because that is what she wants...that is in NOBODY's best interest! BTW...how long have you been married to her & the step-father to her children??????

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I wish all the ladies were pies on the shelf...and I was the baker because I'd eat them all myself.
I wish all the ladies were potholes in the road...and I was a dumptruck because I'd fill them with my load.

She and I have been married for 8 years now. I have been out of the house for 18 months. The girls father does provide child support for the girls...how much I am not aware.

I've not EVER belittled their father, and while she and I have argued, we have tried as much as possible to do it out of the ears of the girls and our son.

I know that part of the reason she wants me back is for financial support, and I am paying support for my son.

Ok...Well, based on your information which is becoming more clear, I would not return to her! LOVE is not the reason she wants you back. At first, I wasn't sure if the 6 year old was common to the two of you! Continue your financial support to "YOUR" son and remain an integral part of his life. He needs a father! Do not reunite with the wife for the "child's sake." I assure you that it will only be worse for him!!! Harsh reality does suck...but, none-the-less...it is reality!!!

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I wish all the ladies were pies on the shelf...and I was the baker because I'd eat them all myself.
I wish all the ladies were potholes in the road...and I was a dumptruck because I'd fill them with my load.

If she doesn't feel you can make good parental decisions then why would she think you could make marital ones?

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The practice of putting women on pedestals began to die out when it was discovered that they could give orders better from there.~ Betty Grable

If I wanted your opinion, I'd remove the duct tape and ask you for it.~ Me
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One man's dream is another man's nightmare~~~~> §¤ Lilith ¤§
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==>Gone Shopping<== ~Just a Quickie~ *~A Celebration Vacation~* ~Surprises~ Sleeping With the Window Open
What Did You Do Today? Self Defense Class ~Short Sweet Snippets~ § Summer Spin § Story Challenge Submission Pajamas

VERY well put, Lilith!!!

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I wish all the ladies were pies on the shelf...and I was the baker because I'd eat them all myself.
I wish all the ladies were potholes in the road...and I was a dumptruck because I'd fill them with my load.

This special type parenting can not be taken too seriously. I have seen the havoc that can happen when you do not accept the responsibility for doing you duties in such a case. More than just the shame and degradation to yourself is the innocent people that can come into contact with the child in the future.

First you have to get a large supply of paper bags. You can’t be distracted from the importance of transforming the beast into something that is not a threat to all of mankind.

My advise is that when ever you have company coming over, chain the girl in the basement as not to shock society without warning.

You should smack your wife once a day for doing such a horrible thing to you and to the world. …………………


OOOoops! ……… sorry divot ……… I thought you said ‘STEPH-parent’.






never mind

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not my thread....but Steph-parent definitely sounds like a much better topic to me PF b/c step-parenting with a bad wife is just NO fun!!! By the way, does the size of the paper bag matter????

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I wish all the ladies were pies on the shelf...and I was the baker because I'd eat them all myself.
I wish all the ladies were potholes in the road...and I was a dumptruck because I'd fill them with my load.

I am not nor have I ever been part of a blended family but the situation you have described just seems really bad to me.

I believe in a "my house my rules" philosophy. I realise that it is your wifes house too, but she is trying to remove you from all of the decision making processes as far as your stepdaughters are concerned. If she makes it known to her daughters that they don't have to listen to you they won't. This cannot lead to any good what so ever. I could be wrong this is just my opinion.

I am curious though how you are married to someone for eight years and not know how much money they are contributing to the household.

ROFLMAO :grin:


I AM sorry about that divot.


........ but that IS somethign we ALWAYS have to be on guard against.

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My mum is a step mum and let me say my step sister and sometimes the brothers made her life a living hell for their young years....she in no way tried to take the place of the bilogical mum...but did expect respect (as well she should get)

I've seen first hand as i was growing up the stresses step families can give to a step parent

My Dad is also a step parent...and he has bought up my sister as his own...no stresses...He may be her Step dad...but to her and my Dad there is no step part

Just be careful what you may be taking on if you decide to become that role.....depending on the kids and the whole situation is can be a good thing or a bad...only you know the whole story and can make the best decision

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No problem, PF...it's not the first time that I have been blamed for a mess I didn't create...LOL!!!

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I wish all the ladies were pies on the shelf...and I was the baker because I'd eat them all myself.
I wish all the ladies were potholes in the road...and I was a dumptruck because I'd fill them with my load.