07-10-2003, 08:02 PM
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<----Snappin' Pussy
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Join Date: Apr 2001
Location: Queensland, Australia
Posts: 106,936
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Little Johnny
For his birthday Little Johnnyasked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw Little Johnny heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Johnny told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no fucking bike!"
__________________
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your mouth.
*~Sharni~*
If you go hunting tigers....be prepared when ya catch one!
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07-10-2003, 08:06 PM
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<----Snappin' Pussy
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Join Date: Apr 2001
Location: Queensland, Australia
Posts: 106,936
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The teacher was telling her students in the sex education class about human anatomy. She took her pointer and pointed to the picture of the female and said, "the female has two breasts and one vagina."
She then pointed to the male picture and said, "The male has one penis."
Little Johnny jumped up from his seat and said, "That's wrong teacher."
"Why do you think I'm wrong, Little Johnny?" begged the teacher.
My daddy has two of them," explained Little Johnny. "One that's about three inches long that he pees with, and another one that's about eight inches long that he brushes the babysitter's teeth with!"
__________________
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your mouth.
*~Sharni~*
If you go hunting tigers....be prepared when ya catch one!
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07-10-2003, 08:08 PM
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<----Snappin' Pussy
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Join Date: Apr 2001
Location: Queensland, Australia
Posts: 106,936
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Six year-old Little Johnny walked into a saloon and said to the barmaid, "Give me a Scotch on the rocks."
"You're just a kid," said the barmaid. "Do you want to get me in trouble?"
"Maybe in a couple of years," replied Little Johnny. "But in the meantime, I'd still like that Scotch."
__________________
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your mouth.
*~Sharni~*
If you go hunting tigers....be prepared when ya catch one!
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07-10-2003, 08:09 PM
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<----Snappin' Pussy
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Join Date: Apr 2001
Location: Queensland, Australia
Posts: 106,936
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The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes", whispered Little Johnny.
May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, Little Johnny whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes", came the answer.
"May I talk with her?" Again Little Johnny whispered, "No."
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes", whispered Little Johnny, "A policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy", whispered Little Johnny.
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper", answered the whispering Little Johnny.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice Little Johnny answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper!"
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there?"
Still whispering, Little Johnny replied along with a muffled giggle, "They're looking for me!"
__________________
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your mouth.
*~Sharni~*
If you go hunting tigers....be prepared when ya catch one!
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07-10-2003, 08:15 PM
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<----Snappin' Pussy
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Join Date: Apr 2001
Location: Queensland, Australia
Posts: 106,936
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Little Johnny sat playing in the garden. When his mother came out to collect him, she saw that he was slowly eating a worm. She turned pale. "No, Johnny! Stop! That's horrible! You can't eat worms!" trying to convince him further, "Now the mother worm is looking all over for her nice baby-worm."
"No, she isn't," said Johnny.
"Why not?" said the mother.
"Because I ate her first!" answered Little Johnny.
__________________
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your mouth.
*~Sharni~*
If you go hunting tigers....be prepared when ya catch one!
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07-10-2003, 08:21 PM
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<----Snappin' Pussy
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Join Date: Apr 2001
Location: Queensland, Australia
Posts: 106,936
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One day. little Johnny heard some strange noises coming from his parent's bedroom, so he walked in to see what was going on. To his surprise, he found his father on top of his mother. "Daddy, what are you doing?"
"Umm... I'm playing poker, Johnny."
"Then, what's Mommy doing, Daddy?"
"Umm... she's my wild card, Johnny."
Johnny appeared to be satisfied with the answers and walked away.
The next day, little Johnny spent the entire morning in the bathroom. His father started to get worried, so he knocked on the bathroom door. "Johnny, what are you doing in there?"
There was no answer, so his father opened the door only to find little Johnny in playing with himself. "Johnny, what the hell are you doing!"
"I'm playing poker, Daddy."
"Oh, really... well, where's your wild card?"
Johnny grinned and replied, "With a hand like this, who needs a wild card!"
__________________
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your mouth.
*~Sharni~*
If you go hunting tigers....be prepared when ya catch one!
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07-10-2003, 08:23 PM
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Suprise Me
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Join Date: Mar 2003
Posts: 4,259
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LMAO  Luv Little Johnny Jokes...
__________________
A blessed thing it is for any man or woman to have a friend, one human soul whom we can trust utterly, who knows the best and worst of us, and who loves us in spite of all our faults.
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07-10-2003, 08:23 PM
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<----Snappin' Pussy
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Join Date: Apr 2001
Location: Queensland, Australia
Posts: 106,936
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Little Johnny's parents were at their wits end as to what to do about their son's behavior. His mother had heard that a priest in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband if they should send Little Johnny to speak with the priest.
The husband said, "We might as well... we need to do something before I really lose my temper!"
The priest agreed to speak with Little Johnny. The priest sat him down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
Little Johnny made no response, so the priest repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"
Again, Little Johnny made no attempt to answer, so the priest raised his voice again and shook his finger in the boy's face, "Where is God?"
A frightened Little Johnny ran out of the room and directly home to his bedroom, where he slammed himself in the closet.
Little Johnny's mother followed him into the closet and asked, "What happened?"
Little Johnny replied, "I'm in BIG trouble this time... God is missing and they think I did it!"
__________________
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your mouth.
*~Sharni~*
If you go hunting tigers....be prepared when ya catch one!
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07-10-2003, 08:25 PM
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<----Snappin' Pussy
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Join Date: Apr 2001
Location: Queensland, Australia
Posts: 106,936
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Little Johnny and his father came across his puppy, dead in the back yard. Daddy explained that Buddy had gone to heaven.
"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Little Johnny, as he fought back tears.
At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Buddy's legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to take him by the leg and lift him up to heaven."
Little Johnny seemed to take Buddy's death quite well. However, two days later when his father came home from work, Little Johnny had tears in his eyes as he said, "Mommy almost died this morning."
Fearing something terrible had happened, his father questioned, "What do you mean Johnny? Tell Daddy!"
"Well", mumbled Little Johnny, "Soon after you left for work this morning I saw Mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, 'Oh Jesus! I'm coming, I'm coming!' And, if it hadn't been for the neighbor who was holding her down, she would have gone to Heaven just like Buddy did."
__________________
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your mouth.
*~Sharni~*
If you go hunting tigers....be prepared when ya catch one!
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07-10-2003, 08:26 PM
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<----Snappin' Pussy
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Join Date: Apr 2001
Location: Queensland, Australia
Posts: 106,936
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One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is.
No hands are raised, so the teacher says, "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck like this?"
Sally holds up her hand and says it's a giraffe. "Very good Sally," the teacher replies.
Next, the teacher holds up a picture of a zebra. Again, no hands are raised, so the teacher says, "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes like this?"
Billy holds up his hand and says it's a zebra. "Very good Billy," the teacher replies.
Next, the teacher holds up a picture of a deer. Again, no hands are raised, so the teacher says, "See the big antlers on this animal? What animal has horns like this?"
Still no one guesses.
"Let me give you another hint,"says the teacher. "It's something your mother calls your father."
Little Johnny shouts out, "I know what it is -- it's a horny bastard."
__________________
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your mouth.
*~Sharni~*
If you go hunting tigers....be prepared when ya catch one!
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07-10-2003, 08:27 PM
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<----Snappin' Pussy
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Join Date: Apr 2001
Location: Queensland, Australia
Posts: 106,936
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The teacher asked little Johnny if he knew his numbers.
"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."
"Good. What comes after three," asked the teacher.
"Four," answered little Johnny.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Very good," praised the teacher. "Your father did a good job. What comes after ten?"
"A Jack," answered little Johnny.
__________________
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your mouth.
*~Sharni~*
If you go hunting tigers....be prepared when ya catch one!
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07-10-2003, 08:35 PM
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<----Snappin' Pussy
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Join Date: Apr 2001
Location: Queensland, Australia
Posts: 106,936
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The kindergarten class were now in the first grade. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten, so she asked them to use grown-up words instead of baby words. She then asked them what they had done during the summer.
The first little one said, "I went to see my Nana."
The teacher said, "No, you went to see your grandmother. That's the grown-up word."
The next little one said, "I went on a trip on a choo- choo."
The teacher again said, "No, you went on a trip on a train. That's the grown-up word."
Then, the teacher asked Little Johnny what he did during the summer.
Little Johnny proudly said that he read a book.
"What book did you read?" asked the teacher.
Little Johnny puffed out his chest, and in a very adult way replied, "Winnie the Shit."
__________________
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your mouth.
*~Sharni~*
If you go hunting tigers....be prepared when ya catch one!
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07-10-2003, 08:36 PM
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<----Snappin' Pussy
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Join Date: Apr 2001
Location: Queensland, Australia
Posts: 106,936
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One day at school, the topic of the day was, "What part of your body goes to Heaven first?"
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher saw this and thought to herself, 'Oh no! Johnny always says something bad - I'll make sure he's the last one I call on!' So, instead the teacher calls on Susie.
Susie says, "I think your brain goes to Heaven first because you have to be smart to go to Heaven."
The teacher congratulated Susie, "That's very good, Susie!" Then, the teacher calls on Mary.
Mary says, "I think your heart goes to Heaven first because you have to love to go to Heaven."
The teacher congratulated Mary, "Very good, Mary!"
By this time, Johnny is waving his hand, "Oh, oh, oh!"
The teacher gets ready and says, "Okay, Johnny, it's your turn."
Johnny gets up and says, "I think your feet go to Heaven first."
The curious teacher asks, "Well, Johnny, that's very good! But, why do you suppose your feet go to Heaven first?"
"Well," replies little Johnny, "last night I walked into my parent's room, and my mom had her feet in the air, screaming, 'Oh God, I'm coming, I'm coming!'"
__________________
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your mouth.
*~Sharni~*
If you go hunting tigers....be prepared when ya catch one!
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07-10-2003, 08:38 PM
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<----Snappin' Pussy
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Join Date: Apr 2001
Location: Queensland, Australia
Posts: 106,936
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A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat Little Johnny answered, "thou shall not kill."
__________________
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your mouth.
*~Sharni~*
If you go hunting tigers....be prepared when ya catch one!
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07-10-2003, 08:39 PM
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<----Snappin' Pussy
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Join Date: Apr 2001
Location: Queensland, Australia
Posts: 106,936
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Little Johnny was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Little Johnny?"
"My goldfish died," replied Little Johnny tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
As Little Johnny patted down the last heap of earth he then replied, "That's because he's inside your fucking cat."
__________________
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your mouth.
*~Sharni~*
If you go hunting tigers....be prepared when ya catch one!
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