I'm supposed to give my friend John some advice but I'm not sure of how to help him.

He's in love with this lady Kirsten. She's a great person from what he tells me and she is definitely a looker. The problem is she has an STD (herpes). Usually that's a relationship killer, but he's so smitten with her. He asked my opinion and I have yet to find a way to tell him that being with here isn't a good idea health wise but is it my place to say this even though he asked my opinion. What do you think I should tell him if anything at all?

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Deep into that darkness peering,
long I stood there, wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams
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Well Dude, as I understand it 1 out of every 4 Americans live with it every day. Personally I'd say he needs to follow his heart and apply precautions. I know anything can happen in a relationship but let's face it, there are worse things to avoid than herpes. I happen to think possibly missing the love of your life would be worse. Just one guy's opinion.

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As to marriage or celibacy, let a man take which course he will. He will be sure to repent - Socrates

Love is not looking in each other's eyes, but looking together in the same direction - Antoine De Saint-Exupery

He should get medically informed and be cautious. WEAR A CONDOM!!!!!!! Lots of people have STDs now days just gotta play carefully.

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If he is that smitten, he should make an appointment with his doctor to an question/answer session. Being more informed with help him to make a decision... perhaps he shouldn't worry so much about sex for now, but actually get the know the girl a lot better first????

Just my suggestion.

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A blessed thing it is for any man or woman to have a friend, one human soul whom we can trust utterly, who knows the best and worst of us, and who loves us in spite of all our faults.

As his friend it definitely is your place to say that - especially since he asked your opinion. As a friend you are obligated to give him what you feel is the best advice - and if that means you advise him to break off the relationship, then so be it, that's your advice. However, he is not obligated to follow your advice, it is ultimately a choice that can only be made by the two of them.

Having said that, I wouldn't ever counsel a friend of mine to break up with someone purely on the basis of a sexually tranmittable disease. It's discriminatory, and unfair. My advice would be as above - get him to see a doctor, find out as much as he can about her illness. That way he'll not only be able to protect himself, but he'll be able to support her and look after her.

Of course, if she is unwilling to follow rules that he may have after seeing a doctor - for example if she refuses to wear a condom during sex or soemthing, then he needs to dump her ass and get over her as quickly as possible.

My best wishes go out to them both,
CasperTG

<waving the Trout of Healing at her>

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Herpes should be nothing more than a minor detail in their lives in or out of bed. At least 25% of Pixies posters have it!

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seriousfun

I'm with Casper on this one.

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If we are what we eat...I'm fast, cheap and easy ( and horseman12 will have to change his nic to hellsbells )

Is your friend in the States? I know there is a hotline for herpes sponsored by the Centers for Disease Control. I'd talk to my doctor or call the hotline to become more informed. If I can, I'll post the number for you.

One thing, tell your friend to keep in mind that it is now known that a person w/herpes does NOT have to have a sore of any kind to still pass on the disease, so you HAVE to place it safe if you want to avoid the disease.

Does anybody know if the vaccine for it is available yet? Back in '97 and '98, a vaccine was being tested in St. Louis, primarily among people who did not have herpes but who had partners who DID have herpes. I don't know if it is available widespread or not. I will look into that and post what I find. Or, that also would be a good question for the CDC hotline.

I am not advising anyone to avoid someone because they have an STD, but I think your friend needs to keep in mind, too, that herpes is not one of those STDs in which you can take a medication and get rid of it. There are meds available to cut the number of attacks and severity of the attacks (or outbreaks), but, still, there is no cure. Once you have it, you have it. Over time you usually have fewer and fewer outbreaks, but you still have it...period. I'd give any such disease in which there is no cure a heck of a lot more thought than one you can get rid of.

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Communication is the key.

It hasn't been mentioned but she's apparently been upfront about having this condition. Doesn't that say something in her behalf? I mean she could've laid him and let him figure it out on his own too Ya know.

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As to marriage or celibacy, let a man take which course he will. He will be sure to repent - Socrates

Love is not looking in each other's eyes, but looking together in the same direction - Antoine De Saint-Exupery

BigBear57, I am not implying in any way, shape, or form, that this woman may not be wonderful, and I agree that it is very commendable of her to have let him know up front about the fact that she has herpes. But to me that is not the issue; the issue should be for him to really think about whether he wants to take a chance and risk his own health when it comes to a disease for which there is no cure at this time. This would be particularly important if they DO end up in a LTR. Then it will be something he will have to deal w/for the rest of his life or for at least the entire time he is w/her or until that vaccine is readily available. I think he needs to be as informed as possible before he becomes even more attached to her. And if he decides that it is worth the risk, at least let him do so knowing exactly what those risks really are and whether they are important enough to him that he wants to be educated as to what precautions he needs to take to avoid becoming infected himself.

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Communication is the key.

I don't disagree in the least that education is the key to moving ahead here. I just don't discount the relationship as a result of the herpes. I simply base my reaction one fact :"He's in love with this lady Kirsten." Consider me an old softy but my heart simply overrules my mind most times. Maybe that's not the smartest of ways to approach things but it's my way. When you've been without a mate for awhile, the emotional nerve endings regain their sensitivities I guess (sounds like a good excuse anyway lol) The panel of contributors here is always right. I wouldn't disagree with any of the advice to "look before you leap", I'm just the type who wouldn't put away my parachute just yet.

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As to marriage or celibacy, let a man take which course he will. He will be sure to repent - Socrates

Love is not looking in each other's eyes, but looking together in the same direction - Antoine De Saint-Exupery

BigBear57, you and I have talked enough recently that you know I can identify w/what you are saying. And I am one whose heart usually rules rather than my head. I think the nurse in me, though, is speaking here out of concern for him now and down the road. I would really like to know how old he and she are. For me that would be a big factor, too. If he were my age and he was expecting that, truly, this would be the last love of his life, I would be more apt to say be careful but go for it. If he is in his early 20s and has his entire life ahead of him, w/the big possibility that he may yet have a number of partners in his lifetime, I'd hate to see him have to tell all of HIS future partners that he has this disease. It is uncomfortable for men, but it is worse, I think, for women, since we often have more flareups when we have our periods, and we have to be concerned about the dangers to our fetuses when we are pregnant (regarding delivery, for example). Certainly he doesn't want to end up in the position of possibly giving it to anyone else either.

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Communication is the key.

What Lilith said....he should get smart and be careful.