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about Australia she's a bloody great place mate
I was sent this by a friend. It is by its essence full of the famous self depreciating Aussie humour and i enjoyed it immensely. Hope my fellow Pixies do too.
Just to let you know a little about the country I live in
WE, the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional
wanker.
We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New
Zealand) and although we live in the best country in the world, we
reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like.
We are One Nation but we're divided into many States.
First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in
lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, café latte,
grand final day and big horse races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief
marketing pitch is that "it's liveable". At least that's what they think.
The rest of us think it is too bloody cold and wet.
Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar,
thin books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its capital Sydney
has more queens than any other city in the world and is proud of it. It's
mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their Speedos up their cracks to
keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.
Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the family
that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra
chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest
faces. It holds the world record for a single mass shooting, which the
Yanks can't seem to beat no matter how often they try.
South Australia is the province of half decent reds, a festival of
foreigners and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation.
Where else can you so effectively reuse country bank vaults and barrels as in
Snowtown, just out of Adelaide (also named after a queen). They had the
Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One
drivers to sleep at the wheel.
Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant. It's main claim
to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it did, all
the men would get erections on the bus on the way to work. WA was the last
state to stop importing convicts and many of them still work there in
the government and business.
The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains,
sheep stations the size of Europe, Kangaroos, Jackaroos, Emus, Uluru and
dusty kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption of
anywhere on the planet and its creek beds have the highest aluminium content of
anywhere too. Although the Territory is the centre piece of our
national culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to fly over it on our
way to Bali.
And there's Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a
document defining a nation of half arsed sceptics, it is worth noting that God
probably made Queensland as its beautiful one day and perfect the next??
Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery.
Oh yes and there's Canberra. The least said the better.
We, the citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose treacherous
twists and turns kill more of us each year than murderers. We are united in
our lust for international recognition, so desperate for praise we leap in
joy when a rag tag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials tells us Sydney is
better than Beijing. We are united by a democracy so flawed that a political
party, albeit a redneck gun toting one, can get a million votes and
still not win one seat in Federal Parliament. Not that we're whingeing, we
leave that to our Pommy immigrants.
We want to make "no worries mate" our national phrase, "she'll be right
mate" our national attitude and "Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem
(So what if it's about a sheep-stealing criminal who commits suicide). We
love sport so much our news readers can read the death toll from a sailing
race and still tell us who's winning. And we're the best in the world at all
the sports that count, like cricket, netball, rugby league and union,
AFL, roo shooting, two up and horse racing. We also have the biggest rock,
the tastiest pies, the blackest aborigines and the worst dressed Olympians
in the known universe.
We shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime.
Even though we might seem a racist, closed minded, sports obsessed
little people, at least we feel better for it.
You are, I am, we are Australian.
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