A man went into a local tavern and took a seatat the bar next to a woman patron. he turned to her and said, " This is a special day, I'm celebrating."

" What a coincidence," said the woman, "I'm celebrating, too".

She clinked glasses with him and asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"I'm a chicken farmer," he replied. "For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."

"What a coincidence," the woman said. "My huband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!

"How did your chickenss become fertile?" she asked

"I swiched cocks," he replied

"What a coincidence," she said

__________________
"Enjoy life. There's plenty of time to be dead."


Live Life, hearses don't come with luggage racks.
The second mouse always gets the cheese

I really hope this isnt already in here somewhere but...

Why is it that when a woman dresses in leather a man gets all choked up, becomes weak in the knees, his heart beats fast, and he gets dizzy?

Because she smells like a new truck.

__________________
Like it says on the back of my mustang...

"If you're gonna ride my ass....pull my hair"


~If you act like an ass then you'll be treated as such~ me

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home.

Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of
your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because
the last Gander family that lived here took the house numbers when they
moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about
it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen
them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

Auntie Maude has sent you a pair of socks she knit, she put a third one in
because she heard you have grown another foot since she last saw you.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy said it would be too
heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and
put them in the pockets.

Jimmy locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet
so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like
your brother.

Uncle Bobby fell into a whiskey vat last week.Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were
in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your Favourite Aunt,
Mom

__________________
A book is like a garden carried in the pocket.
~~ Chinese Proverb

I needed that laugh Penny.

__________________
:3: Life is just one Fucking thing after another..

You are welcome.

__________________
A book is like a garden carried in the pocket.
~~ Chinese Proverb

A woman's husband dies. He had $30,000 to his name.
> > > >
> > > >After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she
>tells her
> > > >closest friend that there
> > > >is none of the $30,000 left.
> > > >
> > > >The friend says, "How can that be?
> > > >
> > > >The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. and of course
I
>made a
> > > >donation to the church.
> > > >That was $500, and I spent another $500 for the wake, food and
>drinks,
> >you
> > > >know. .. The rest went
> > > >for the memorial stone."
> > > >
> > > >The friend says, "$22,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how
big
>is it?"
> > > >
> > > >The widow says, "Three carats."

A couple had just gotten married and where alone together on their
first night. This was to be the first time they had made love and it
was while her new husband was getting undressed that she noticed a few
things about him. As her husband took off his trousers, the wife
noticed that his knees were all mangled and scared. She asked him what

at happened and the husband explained "as a child I had kneasels"
"Kneesels?" she asked, "what on earth is that?"
He replied, "Kneaseles are like measeles except they only affect the
knees".
He continued to undress and as he pulled off his socks his wife looked
at his toes and found that they two were all mangled and scared. She
asked about this and he replied, "oh as a child I had tolio".
"Tolio?" she asked, "what on earth is that"
He explained, "Tolio is like polio except it only affects the toes".
As he began to remove his boxer shorts she shouted, "Don't tell me, let
me guess- small cox".

__________________
As long as there's feet at the bottom,and Pussy at the top,They're ALL perfect Legs

In The News......

A woman has pleaded guilty to assault after attacking a male stripper
who failed to meet expectations at her daughter's bachelorette party.
Jacqueline McPoodle, was sentenced to 30 days of court supervision
in Greenfield, Illinois and was ordered to pay $2,000 to the victim.

The 28-year-old man suffered head injuries, bruises and scratches
when he was punched, kicked and hit over the head with a beer
bottle after his July 2002 performance at a local motel. Police said
the women partygoers became angered because while performing
allegedly a small potato fell out of the male stripper's briefs on to
the floor.

__________________
As long as there's feet at the bottom,and Pussy at the top,They're ALL perfect Legs

A baby was born so advanced in development that he could
talk.
He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor.
"Are you my doctor?" he asked.
"Why, yes, I am," said the doctor.
The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me
during the birth."
He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?"
"Yes, dear, I am," said the mother beaming.
"Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was
born," he said.
He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?"
"Yes, I am," his father proudly answered.
The baby motioned him closer, and then poked him repeatedly
on the forehead with his index finger. "Hurts, doesn't it!"

__________________
As long as there's feet at the bottom,and Pussy at the top,They're ALL perfect Legs

I think this mom will never forget this particular Sunday sermon...

-----

"Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face.

"Without you, we are but dust." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice,

"Mom, what is butt dust?"

A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about 2 miles south of the Georgia/South Carolina State line. When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Savannah to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.

The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him he wouldn't give him a ticket.

The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car, a drunk good old boy, from S.C., got out and watched the performance briefly, he then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there's no way in hell I can pass that test."

__________________
~There is nothing you can do, that can't be done~

"ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE"

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband
and
>asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly
>aroused state her husband readily agreed.
>
>This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for the next 30
years,
>with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes
and
>other incidentals that she needed.
>
>Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her
husband in
>a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that
his
>employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he
had
>been let go. It was unlikely that at the age of 55, he'd be able to
find
>another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and
>therefore, they were financially ruined.
>
>Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed thirty years of
>deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him
>certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2
>million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors
in
>the bank. She explained that for the 30 years she had charged him for
sex,
>these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her
>savings and investments.
>
>Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her
>husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found
his
>voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I
would
>have given you all my business!"
>
>THAT'S WHEN SHE SHOT HIM!
>
>You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths
shut.

__________________
~There is nothing you can do, that can't be done~

"ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE"

During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners asks the students,one by one -

"Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" she asked.

"Just a minute, I have to go piss."

The teacher replied "That would be rude and impolite!"

"What about you John, how would you say it?"

"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."

The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the table."

"And you Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?"

"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after supper."

__________________
Trees give peace to the souls of men * Nora Waln

The forest would be very quiet if no other birds sang than those who sing the best * Henry van Dyke

some fairly sordid tales, rambles, and anecdotes
Hypothetically Speaking * Something More * Cammy Interrupted * An Experimental Vacation * Masked * so..damn..hot * Thank You * My toy, his idea * no.19 Maple Lane * I Have A Surprise For You * Yesterday * In a Quiet Kitchen * help me decide * untitled prose * more untitled prose

A woman walks into her doctor’s office and says “Doctor, I have this terrible rash.” She lifts up her sweater to reveal a large ‘M’ shaped rash.

The doctor replies, “Now that is the strangest rash I’ve ever seen.” The woman explains, “Well my boyfriend goes to Michigan and refuses to take off his letter sweater when we have sex.” The doctor shrugs his shoulders, prescribes some lotion and sends the woman on her way.

The next day another woman comes in with a very similar rash. “How did you get that?” the doctor asks.

“My boyfriend goes to MIT and he refuses to take his letter sweater off when we make love,” she says. The doctor prescribes some lotion and sends the young lady on her way.
The third day another young woman comes into the doctor’s office and she has a big rash in the shape of an ‘M’ on her stomach.

“Let me guess,” the doctor says. “Your boyfriend goes to Maryland?”

“No,” the patient replies, “My girlfriend goes to Wellesley.”

__________________
Eudaimonia

The Value of Securing a Second Opinion



The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure
your horrendous headaches.

The bad news is that it will require castration. You
have a very rare condition, which causes your
testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure
creates one heck of a headache. The only way to
relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."



Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had
anything to live for. But given the terrible pains
that he’d been suffering for years he felt that he had
no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the
hospital he was without a headache for the first time
in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an
important part of himself. As he walked down the
street, he realized that he felt like a different
person. He could make a new beginning and live a new
life, at last headache free.



He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's
what I need - a new suit." He entered the shop and
told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."



The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's
see... size 44 long."



Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been
in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.



As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman
asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a
moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe
and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.



As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman
asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and
said "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said,
"Let's see...9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's
right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60
years!" Joe tried on the shoes and they fit
perfectly.



Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the
salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe
thought for a second and said, "Sure."



The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said,
"Let's see...size 36."



Joe laughed "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34
since I was 18 years old."



The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size
34. A 34 underwear would press your testicles up
against the base of your spine and give you one heck
of a headache."



ALWAYS get a second opinion..