That's so wrong...

And so straight out of a classic movie

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Plug me into somethin'

If the theory does not conform to the facts, then the facts must be discarded.

No good deed ever goes unpunished

Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level, & beat you with experience.

Thought it rang a bell.

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error,
"Monsier, that is the reason I stole the paintings...

I had no Monet
to buy Degas
to make the Van Gogh


See if you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else


I sent it to you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse!

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Daddy, make the bad man stop...

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Plug me into somethin'

If the theory does not conform to the facts, then the facts must be discarded.

No good deed ever goes unpunished

Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level, & beat you with experience.

You have't suffered enough yet.

You've only five months to work out the reply.

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

A Senior Driver by GRANDMA


The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if
you love Jesus" bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day, because I had just come from a
thrilling choir practice followed by
a powerful prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.


I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection just lost in thought
about the Lord and how good He is,
and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus; because if he hadn't honked,
I'd never have noticed.

I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the
nice man behind started
honking like crazy, and he leaned out of his window and screamed, "for the
love of God, GO! GO!"
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for the Lord.

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving
and smiling at all these
loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There
must have been a man
from Florida back there, because I heard him yelling something about a sunny
beach. I saw another
man waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
When I asked my teenage
grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was an Hawaiian
good luck sign or something.

Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and
gave him the good luck sign back.

My grandson burst out laughing; why even he was enjoying this religious
experience.
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they
got out of their cars and
started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I
noticed the light had changed.
So I waved to all my sisters and brothers, smiled at them all, and drove on
through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the
light changed again, and I felt kind
of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I
slowed the car down, leaned out of the
window, and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I
drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Little Mel issa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Chris tian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"

Mel issa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a Valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock.

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride. " Mel issa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Mel issa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the bastard."

Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit.

Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!

You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit!


Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head...........

Well, Shit Happens!!!

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--------
"In my sex fantasy, nobody ever loves me for my mind."
Nora Ephron

“Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.”
Barbara Bush

"You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither!"
Drew Carey

And thats the shit, the whole shit and nothing but the shit.

& remember, "shoot" is just "shit" with 2 "o"s...

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Plug me into somethin'

If the theory does not conform to the facts, then the facts must be discarded.

No good deed ever goes unpunished

Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level, & beat you with experience.

George W was sitting on the oval office when an aide rushed in with a flash message It said that three Brazilian soldiers had been killed in Iraq.

GW went pale and his hands began to tremble, a tear coursed down his cheek and he clutched the Bible from his top drawer.

He looked up at the aide and said," Dont hold back son, please tell me.


V V V V

V V V

V V

V
































How many is a Brazilian?"

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!).

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked

"Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad !" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.

"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.).

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . . Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So, Ernie's just . just . .. . excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just .that . . I'm picturing you pulling on its . . its. . . teeny little . . " She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs

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It takes a gutless mouse to play only when the cat's away.

No love, no friendship, can cross the path of our destiny without leaving some mark on it forever. ~~ Francois Mocuriac

Confucius say, "He who masturbate into cash register come into money."

An optimist looks at the glass and says it's half full. A pessimist looks at the glass and says it's half empty. A Cubs fan looks at the glass and says, "When's it gonna spill?"

Deus Impetitio Esuritori Nullus

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling , and the 86-year-old said ,
Things are great and I've never felt better.
I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
'So what do you think about that Doc ?'
The doctor considered his question for a minute and
then began to tell a story.

'I have an older friend , much like you , who is an avid hunter
and never misses a season.
One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.'
'As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.
He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang , bang'.'
'Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that ?' asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said ,
'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.'
The doctor replied , 'My point exactly !!!

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Bear in a Bar

A bear walks into a bar in Billings , Montana . He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings ."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings ."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings ."


The bear goes to the end of the bar and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.


The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."


The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."

..........You're gonna love this........




The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

SHAME ON YOU

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