03-05-2003, 03:06 PM
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Member
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Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: New York
Posts: 68
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Constructive feedback
Several parts of the story was good. However, men like to visualize what the female character looks like.
Quote:
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yet I can't get him out of my mind. "Snap out of it" I keep telling myself. Leaving the bathroom, I start down the hall and there he is heading toward me...
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Visiting the bathroom, before possible fore-play is questionable. Yet, it adds a realistic style.
Did you want the reader to care whether you found him or not? Should a reader care about a person that gives in easily to her girlfriends man? There should have been more resistance from the female character. That way, it shows she was trying to be strong and it makes the reader care more about the character and the dilemma she faces.
Dan
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With her mousy cheerleader style, She stepped slowly onto the porch. All my boys made way as her short cotton dress drew lustful stares. She slowly walked in without a word. All eyes watched as her petite motherly frame disappeared into the darkness of lust. She loved thursdays.
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