OF - perhaps you could add to the list "What @#$%ing iceberg?" - Captain Smith, 1912

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"I am so smart! S-M-R-T!" - Homer Simpson

The sun is gone, but I have a light - Kurt Cobain

~I love Nikki~

O.F.---No offence taken!The fact that he got his Dick wet;is what
is most important. Irish
P.S.That's where the term-"Any port in a storm"came from.

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Irish---Better to be dead & cool,then alive & uncool!
(Harley Davidson & the Marlboro Man)

OF - that list reminded me of some famous last words i'd read
"They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist....." - General John Sedgewick, US Civil War

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"I am so smart! S-M-R-T!" - Homer Simpson

The sun is gone, but I have a light - Kurt Cobain

~I love Nikki~

It also reminded me of the last words of the"Lone Ranger."
When he and Tonto were surrounded by indians.The Lone Ranger
said to Tonto:"Is that the Fuckawa Tribe;out there?We are surrounded;Kemosabe."
Tonto replied:"What you mean We;White man?" Irish

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Irish---Better to be dead & cool,then alive & uncool!
(Harley Davidson & the Marlboro Man)

Irish: I've been using the "whatchu mean We white man" for years, that line comes in handy in daily conversation

Always
Kyttn

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-Seems we got here just in the nick of time. Whats that make us?
--Big damn heros Sir.
-Ain't we just.

Kytten, always a very handy phrase.

Legend, most famous last words...OOPS!!

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Legend

"A wonderful day for a @#$96ing joy-flight."

Fleet Admiral Isoroku Yamamoto. 1943

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

A Redneck's last words... "Hey, y'all, watch this..."

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Plug me into somethin'

If the theory does not conform to the facts, then the facts must be discarded.

No good deed ever goes unpunished

Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level, & beat you with experience.

Advice from Kids

"Never trust a dog to watch your food." - Patrick, age 10

"When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?' Don't answer." - Hannah, age 9

"Never tell your Mom her diet's not working." - Michael, age 14

"Stay away from prunes." - Randy, age 9

"Don't pull Dad's finger when he tells you to." - Emily, age 10

"When your Mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair." -Taylia, age 11

"Never let your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment." - Traci, age 14

"A puppy always has bad breath--even after eating a Tic-Tac." - Andrew, age 9

"Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time." - Kyoyo, age 11

"You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk." - Amir, age 9

"Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts." - Kellie, age 11

"If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse." - Naomi, age 14

"Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick." - Lauren, age 9

"When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your Mom when she's on the phone." Alyesha, age 13

"Never try to baptize a cat." Eileen, age 8

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Plug me into somethin'

If the theory does not conform to the facts, then the facts must be discarded.

No good deed ever goes unpunished

Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level, & beat you with experience.

After his worst game of golf ever, a husband comes home, plops himself down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts." She gets him a beer and fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks irritated, but gets him another beer and slams it down in front of him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute." The wife is now furious. She yells "You've been out golfing all day! Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore . . ." The man sighs and says, "It's started . . "

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Plug me into somethin'

If the theory does not conform to the facts, then the facts must be discarded.

No good deed ever goes unpunished

Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level, & beat you with experience.

From the Washington Post Style Invitation, in which it was postulated that English should have male and female nouns, and readers were asked to assign a gender to a noun of their choice and explain their reason.
The best submissions:
SWISS ARMY KNIFE-male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
KIDNEYS-female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
TIRE-male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON: male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it ... and, of course, there's the hot air part.
SPONGES-female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGE-female, because it is always getting hit on.
SHOE-male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
COPIER-female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
ZIPLOC BAGS-male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
SUBWAY-male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
HOURGLASS-female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMER-male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
REMOTE CONTROL-female...Ha! You thought I'd say male. But consider, it gives man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

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Plug me into somethin'

If the theory does not conform to the facts, then the facts must be discarded.

No good deed ever goes unpunished

Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level, & beat you with experience.

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of scotch whisky at a local pub. As he wandered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, so sat down with his back against a tree.

As he slept, two young female French tourists walked down the road and heard the Scotsman snoring loudly. When they came to the source of the snores, one lass said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."

So she boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw what nature had provided him with. Her friend said, "Well, he has solved a great mystery for us! Let's thank him for the education!" Whereupon, she took a pretty blue ribbon from her hair and gently tied it around what nature had provided to the Scotsman.

Sometime later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He walked around to the other side of the tree, raised his kilt and bewilderment filled his mind at the sight of the bright blue ribbon tied neatly in a bow. After several moments passed, he said, "I donna know where y'been lad...but it's nice t'see ye won first prize!"

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Nubian

One day God and Adam were walking the garden.
God told Adam it was time to populate the earth.
He told Adam, "Adam, you can start by kissing Eve."
Adam replied "God, what is a kiss?"
God told Adam and Adam went and took behind the bush and kissed her.

A little while later, Adam came back out with a big smile and said "Wow Lord! That was great!! What next?"
God said, "Adam, I now want you to caress Eve."
Adam says, "Lord what is caress?"
God explained it to Adam and he again took her behind the bush.

A little while later, he came out and said "Lord that was even better than a kiss! What next."
God said, "Here is what gets the deed done. I now want you to take Eve and make love to her."
Adam said "Lord, what is make love?"
God explained and Adam took Eve behind the bush and a few seconds later came out and said "Lord, what is a headache?"

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Nubian

Joe leased an apartment and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. Joe smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. Poor Joe broke out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment, she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, Joe finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"

Astounded and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day!
My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin no blemishes anywhere! How can you feel the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, Joe stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...That was me."

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Nubian

"could you please bring me a bloody steak?"

"sure, and do you wish some fucking potatoes with it?"

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If every material thing is gone, my smile and my tears stay left.