Hey,

I've felt similar things to you before, though not quite to that extent, I don't think.

For me, it helped to acknowledge to myself that these things I was telling myself and others were not true. They were a product of hurt feelings and anxiety, not of anything supported by evidence or logic, and nor is what you are saying. I think you probably realise this, too, but you need to acknowledge that. When you feel bad about what happened, remind yourself that these thoughts that your fears have formed in your head, although real, are illogical and should play as little part as possible in the decisions you make in your daily life. It's not easy, but if you continue to behave as if what you are saying is really true, you'll be going down a path that will lead you to REAL despair. Don't want that? Good

In short, recognize the smell of your own bullshit and don't believe it. Call its bluff.

__________________
I want to know everything
I want to be everywhere
I want to fuck everyone in the world
I want to do something that matters

If you must be in a relationship because you cannot define yourself outside one, and you are not

yet ready to settle into a mature relationship, then be a dildo and not a straight-jacket.

Be there for her, just not all over her.

Maybe then you'll be able to shake off the bullshit and have a real relationship.

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Well thats good. I simply will quit dating for the rest of my life. That works for everyone. I am simply a hole in the universe to women anyway so who cares.

See this is what I truely hate. I was a good boy friend to my ex for over a year. What did she do? She cheated on me repeatedly and treated me like I was some socially destroying secret. I did everything for her and all I got back was abuse. I totally took that personally like it was all my fault and that I am some sort of disease. After all that I just dont want to go through that hell again so I just get so bitter about all of this. Not to mention it was my first relationship. What also discourages me is how all my friends have amazing relationships and yet I cannot get shit.

Sounds like you need to get an "attitude about yourself adjustment"

You need to quit feeling sorry for yourself and move on. We have all been hurt at sometime in our life and it takes time to get over it.

__________________
Come play with me.

if you were abused for a year (as you state) by your ex - examine that... learn from it... overcome it and stop being a victim. Get professional help if necessary. Abuse is a strong word, and I hope you aren't using it lightly.

I might be wrong, as I'm a single-ton - but I don't think the "perfect boyfriend" exists, all people have flaws and I'm certain you did/do as well. You were not perfect and never will be. Nor will any woman be perfect and you shouldn't expect her to be either.

You know I was thinking. Trying to step outside of it all and think. I dont really know why I have been going on and on about it all. I mean the only way I can think of it is that i am just insecure about my appearance. I really think that is why i go through all of this. To somehow hide it all with layer and layer of complaining etc. It isnt that I am insecure about myself (except my appearance) but i just think that because of that a woman will just cut me off without getting to know me.

In the olden days, we'd just forget about chasing and sooner or later someone who did think well

of us would fall into our laps.

It's a zen thing, when you stop looking you may find what you're looking for.

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Worked for me =) Even if they're just a friend... you don't necessarily need to have a bf/gf to feel good about yourself and to know you're worth every other person out there. As I've said before, no one person is more important than another. You just need to step back and take a look, like everyone else has been saying. =)

And I agree with Maddy, using the word abuse can be a big no-no unless you absolutely mean it. It also depends on who you are talking to, as different people have different ideas of what it means.

Hope I didn't come across as being a big know-it-all, sorry if I did =) Feel better soon rzande =)

it's true, the biggest thing you have holding you back is yourself, of course alot of people are like that

all the excuses and complaints in the world won't help you move on, at some point you'll either crush yourself under your self pity or you'll realize that you can beat it and over come it ... really it's just the way it is in the long run

now I'm not trying to get on your case for how you act, too each there own, even I went though the same thing and thats just what I learned at the end, Control your fate or be consumed by it, no if's and's or but's, they'll be a point in your life where you'll choose, theres no way to force it to come sooner , but it will come in time

__________________
You ask me if I've known love and what it's like to sing songs in the rain?
Well I've seen love come, I've seen shot down, I've it die in vain

Maybe someday I'll see you again, and you'll look me in my eyes and call me a friend.