This is a VERY difficult subject. I have been reading Pixie's forums for years now, but only recently registered myself. When I saw your post, I felt so strongly about it, that I had to post.
I have to agree with Lilith's tone 100%.
I will share something very private here in hopes it helps someone else.
My husband contracted the herpes virus from a previous girlfriend before he met me. He didn't know what it was and did not go to the doctor at first. He was in a "long term relationship" as you stated yourself. They did not use protection all of the time. She also did not tell him she had the virus until AFTER they had unprotected sex. When he showed a symptom, (a small break out of tiny pimple like bumps on his penis, that were very itchy, very red, and VERY painful) He went to the doctor. The doctor confirmed his fear. He had a form of Herpes. Which by the way has NO KNOWN CURE. He then confronted his girlfriend. She admitted to having the virus and not telling him beforehand. She assumed they were going to be together forever and it didn't matter. Basically this ended their relationship.
Fast forward a couple years and he meets me. I had been in 3 prior sexually active relationships. All of which I religiously used protection. My girlfriends would laugh and call me the condom candy girl, I had so many. I was ALWAYS careful.
When my husband and I started dating, BEFORE we had sex he told me he had the virus. We also used protection. When we were married, I got regular check ups and we used every precaution to insure I would not get the virus. However, as you have read above, the virus can be contracted through skin contact and men are mostly carriers. VERY RARELY did he ever have a break out. The virus goes from active to dormant stages. There is medication that can help keep it dormant for longer periods of time but it is NOT GONE and NOT CURED. Once you have it, you have it. Period. Our doctor told us the only way to acurately diagnose it is when you have an outbreak and they swab the area. (which can be very painful both physically and emotionally. It is one thing to discuss it with your doctor it is another when they have to "swab" the evidence.) Your virus can be in an active state and you can show no sign of it at all. You can pass it on to your partner even if you think it is "safe". And unfortunately that is exactly what happened. I now also have the herpes virus. My own mother doesn't even know that.
When I became pregnant with our first child my doctor explained to me that I could also pass the virus onto my child during the birth process. I was HORRIFIED!!!!! It is one thing being an adult and responsible for your own actions, taking all precautions but being aware of my concequences. It is an entirely different thing when your doctor tells you that your innocent babe growing inside you could be tainted for life with this horrible disease for being BORN!
No this is not a light subject.
As for your question about having a good sex life with her by minimizing the risk of you contracting the disease, I don't think you can minimize anything since you have had sex without condoms. Oral sex will pass it just as easily. My husband and I had NO oral without condoms, no intercourse without condoms, but condoms are not full proof. Sometimes they break. We believe that is how I got it.
We have been together over 10 years now and have no plans on ever getting divorced. But lets just say something happens. Divorce or death or something. I would NEVER have sex with another man OR woman for that matter, because I could not bare to pass this to another human being. It is a disease with no cure.
Genital Warts is in the same family as herpes, there is no cure.
My husband and I enjoy a wonderful sex life with each other, but sometimes we have to postpone our passion because one of us has an outbreak. It is a very serious, nasty, demon that rears its head in our life.
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"I think a lot of people are completely missing the point of why I posted; I want to know how people practically live with these kinds of problems in their relationship. Comments like "go see a doctor" are redundant since we already have!"
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How we live with it is this: Forgive the graphic, less than desirable chat that follows.
When one of us has an active break out we do not have any kind of sex until it has subsided. This can take up to 10 days or more. We have found over time that if we do have sex during a break out it can spread and become worse or last longer. Most of the time it is me that has the break outs not him. I can be break out free, he thinks he is, we have sex and WHAM I break out. Hence the carrier adage again. Hormones I have found affect break out periods as well. Stress can bring on break outs. When you are sick and your immune system is down, you are more prone to outbreaks as well. We have noticed that if we avoid contact with cum we have less chance of breaking out. Anything that irritates your genital's sensitive skin can bring on a break out. Example: shaving. Shaving is not very conducive to keeping a healthy pubic area when it is nicked or has a shaving rash. Couple shaving rash with virul outbreak= double the pain. Neat and trimmed, clean and dry= best conditions. Cleanliness is key; both personal hygiene and bathroom fixtures. We have to bleach our tubs and toilets with a spray bottle after use to protect our children and guests. Bleach will kill the virus on contact. PLEASE don't put bleach on yourself, in a frustrated bout my husband tried that once. Not exactly the brightest thing to do. If you decide to add toys to your sex life, you must clean them thoroughly after each use. I'm not sure how long the virus can stay on them, but not thoroughly cleaned with warm water and SOAP they can cause outbreaks as well. Rinse well, soap build up can irritate as well. Do not use hand sanitizers or such, they can break down the rubber and destroy the toy over time, as well as irritate sensitive skin. Main thing is after you have had sex, it is a great idea to take a shower or bath. So no quickies before work unless you are in the shower. Any break down of your skin, your immune system, your hormones, or hygiene ivites trouble.
As you can see, this will be a part of your life. It will change how you have sex, when you have sex, how often you have sex, and where you have sex. You can't just go off in the shaded wood without thinking of what you have to do before, during, and after having sex.
With all of this in mind, you might think we have this problem to deal with all the time. In fact I have gone as long as a year without an outbreak, and as little as once in two. I have also had times where break outs occur every month for months at a time. But we have learned to adapt our sex life to create the least amount of break outs possible. It has taken us 10 years to learn. And has not been the best thing to have to deal with. It is ABSOLUTELY HORRID. It is the unfair, unjust, unfeeling, uncaring, disease that haunts us.
Our family and friends do not know. We have never told anyone besides our family doctor. I hope sharing this with you helps someone make good decisions in their life.
a couple more facts for you
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