^^^^

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer. The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipsh!t,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ol' thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . .
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure The Hulk ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and then body slammed me on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the foetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
PS…. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

^^^^^ That would go good with a battery operated bug zapper!

A man's life, summed up in a single photograph...

Attached Images

mans life.jpg (50.5 KB, 69 views)

__________________
Plug me into somethin'

If the theory does not conform to the facts, then the facts must be discarded.

No good deed ever goes unpunished

Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level, & beat you with experience.

Yup.

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Amazingly Simple Home Remedies

1. Avoid Cutting Yourself When Slicing Vegetables By Getting Someone
Else To Hold The Vegetables While You Chop.

2. Avoid Arguments With The Females About Lifting The Toilet Seat By
Using The Sink.

3. For High Blood Pressure Sufferers ~ Simply Cut Yourself And Bleed
For A Few Minutes, Thus Reducing The Pressure On Your Veins. Remember
To Use A Timer.

4. A Mouse Trap Placed On Top Of Your Alarm Clock Will Prevent You From
Rolling Over And Going Back To Sleep After You Hit The Snooze Button.

5. If You Have A Bad Cough, Take A Large Dose Of Laxatives. Then You'll
Be Afraid To Cough




6. You Only Need Two Tools In Life - Wd-40 And Duct Tape. If It Doesn't
Move And Should, Use The Wd-40. If It Shouldn't Move And Does, Use The
Duct Tape.

7. If You Can't Fix It With A Hammer, You've Got An Electrical Problem.

Daily Thought:
Some People Are Like Slinkies - Not Really Good For Anything But They
Bring A Smile To Your Face When Pushed Down The Stairs.

To all my friends who in 2007 sent me best 'wishes', chain letters, 'angel' letters or other promises of good luck if I forwarded something,



NONE OF THAT SHIT WORKED!

For 2008, could you please just send money, BEER, chocolate, or gasoline vouchers instead?
Thank you!

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.

1st Hillbilly says: 'My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. .'

2nd Hillbilly says: 'Why is that stupid?'

1st Hillbilly says: 'We ain't got no 'lectricity!'

2nd Hillbilly says: 'That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warsh in' machines!'

1st Hillbilly says: 'Why is that so stupid?'

2nd Hillbilly says: ''Cause we ain't got no plummin'!'

3rd Hillbilly says: 'That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar.'

1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: 'Well, what's so dumb about that ?'

3rd Hillbilly says: 'She ain't got no pecker.'

Married Life
> >>> >
> >>> > Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress,
> >>> > chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their
> >>> > men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M
> >>> > style, stilettos and mask over their eyes .
> >>> >
> >>> > After a few days they meet again.....
> >>> >
> >>> > The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night, when my boyfriend
> >>> > came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4' stilettos
> >>> > and mask. He said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you,
> >>> > then we made love all night long.'
> >>> >
> >>> > The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met
> >>> > in the office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega
> >>> > stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened
> >>> > the raincoat, he didn' say a word. We just had wild
> >>> > sex all night.'
> >>> >
> >>> > The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the
> >>> > kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready,
> >>> > leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My
> >>> > husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer,
> >>> > and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner ?'

FUNNIEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER

Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm
Leaving you forever.





I've been a good man to you for
Seven years and I have nothing to show for it.







These last two weeks have been hell.





Your boss
Called to tell me that you quit your job today and
That was the last straw.







Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that
I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal
And even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.





You
Ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after
Watching all of your soaps.





You don't tell me you
Love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that
Connects us as husband and wife.







Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me
Anymore; whatever the case, I'm g one.







Your EX-Husband

P.S. Don't try to find me.





Your SISTER and I are
Moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great
Life!

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Dear Ex-Husband

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your
Letter.





It's true that you and I have been married
For seven years, although a good man is a far cry
From what you've been.







I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your
Constant whining and griping.





Too bad that doesn't
Work.







I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, but
The first thing that came to mind was 'You look just
Like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say
Anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't
Comment.







And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have
Gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped
Eating pork seven years ago.







About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you
Because the $49.





99 price tag was Still on them, and
I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister
Had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that
Morning.







After all of this, I still loved you and felt that
We could work it out.





So when I hit the lotto for
Ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two
Tickets to Jamaica.





But when I got home you were
Gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.







I hope you have the fulfilling life you always
Wanted.





My lawyer said that the letter you wrote
Ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.







Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!

P.S.





I don't know if I ever told you this but my
Sister Carla was born Carl.





I hope that's not a problem.
__________________________________________________

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?''Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens

A TEXAS BLESSING>>
Note: If you are not a resident of TEXAS or never have
> lived in the hot, humid Southwest, you may not understand
> the weight of this blessing!>>

Bless this house, oh Lord, we cry.>>
Please keep it cool in mid-July.>>
Bless the walls where termites dine,>>
While ants and roaches march in time.>>
Bless our yard where spiders pass>>
Fire ant castles in the grass.>>
Bless the garage, a home to please>>
Carpenter beetles, ticks and fleas.>>
Bless the love bugs, two by two,>>
the gnats and mosquitoes that feed on you.>>
Millions of creatures that fly or crawl,>>
in TEXAS, Lord, you've put them all!>>
But this is home, and here we'll stay,>>
So thank you Lord, for insect spray.>>>

HOLD IT............there's more.............>>>>

YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN TEXAS IN JULY WHEN.>>

The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.>>

The trees are whistling for the dogs.>>

The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.>>

Hot water now comes out of both taps.>>

You can make sun tea instantly.>>

You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron!>>

The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.>>

You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.>>

You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.>>

You actually burn your hand opening the car door.>>

You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.>>

Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, 'What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to> death?'>>

You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.>>

The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.>>

Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.>>

The cows are giving evaporated milk.

Ah, what a place to call home.>>
God Bless Our State of TEXAS

__________________
DAMN, YOU ARE A SEXY ONE-skipthisone

I beleive in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve, and I beleive in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days. Kevin Costner/Bull Duram

"Your body as well as mine has needs. This is juat a little foreplay to highten our desire for each other. If we play out the game of love to it's natural conclusion, you'll experience fulfillment. Give yourself up to me and I'll guide you along the path to pareadise. Together we will be like fire and ice, love and hate, life and death." Virginia Henley

WANTED: a moment when you kiss someone and eveything around you becomes hazy. And the only thing in focus is you and this person and you relize that he is the only person your suppose to kiss for the rest of your life. And for one moment you get this amazing gift. You want to laugh and you want to cry. Cause you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared it will all go away at the same time.

I see you've read the Darwin Australia Tourist site.

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

A Texas woodpecker and a New Mexico woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees.

The Texas woodpecker said Texas had a tree no woodpecker could peck.

The New Mexico woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.The Texas woodpecker was amazed!

The New Mexico woodpecker then challenged the Texas woodpecker to peck a tree in New Mexico that was absolutely im-peck-able(a term woodpeckers like to use). The Texas woodpecker expressed confidence,said he could do it and accepted the challenge.

So the two flew to New Mexico where the Texas woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called im-peck-able tree with no problem.

Both woodpeckers were terribly confused. How is it that the New Mexico woodpecker was able to peck the Texas tree and the Texas woodpecker was able to peck the New Mexico tree,yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own state??Huh?

After much woodpecker pondering,they both came to the same conclusion;........

















Apparently your pecker gets harder when you"re away from home!

__________________
The mind never forgets what the hands have learned

Getting a little Woody there, jay-t?

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating