The correct answer, you pack of perverts, was, of course













V V V V V V V V




















V V V V V V









Holding down a Job.

Aren't you ashamed of yourselves?

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Went to the cemetery the other day and saw 4 men carrying a coffin,
3 hours later saw the same 4 men with the same coffin.



Thought to myself - they've lost the fucking plot.

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

/me groans!

__________________
The selfish, they're all standing in line
Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time
Me, I figure as each breath goes by
I only own my mind

Driving with Grandpa

A friend, who worked away from home all week, always
made a special effort with his family on the
weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7
year old granddaughter out for a drive in the
car for some bonding time, just he and his
granddaughter.

One week in particular he came home sick, and on
Sunday he was still battling a bad cold and
really didn't feel up to going out for a drive at all.
Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and
said that she would take their granddaughter out.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran
upstairs to see her grandfather.

"Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?"
"Oh yes, GrandPa" the girl replied, "and do you know
what? We didn't see a single dumb bastard or
lousy shit head anywhere we went today!"

Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it!

Sounds vaguely familiar, I can't think where.

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

GOTTA LOVE A DRUNK!!


A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth.

A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir "

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.

The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it "

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's weiner hanging out

of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without
missing a beat, blurts out..........

"Holy crap! My girlfriend's gone too!"

A man walks into the doctor's office....

Doc - "Hello. How can I help you?"

Man - "I've got an orange willy doc."

Doc - "What??"

Man - "My willy - it's turned orange."

Doc - "Umm... I'll have to look that up.... It seems it could be a sign of stress. Do you suffer from stress?

Man - "Not really"

Doc - "What about stress at work?"

Man - "Well, I did have a nightmare job, a complete idiot for a boss, worked 80 hours week for pennies and then I got the sack"

Doc - "That sounds very stressful"

Man - "Yeah, but my new job is great - half the hours,3 times the salary and I feel really appreciated"

Doc - "Umm... what about your home life?"

Man - "Well, my girlfriend is a complete cow, she nags non-stop and puts me down every chance she gets"

Doc - "That sounds stressful"

Man - "Yeah, but I'm leaving her and I've never been happier."

Doc - "Umm... what about your social life?"

Man - "Social life? I don't really have one."

Doc - "Really? What do you do in your spare time?"

Man - "Watch pornos and eat Twisties"

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.
He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial.
The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...

Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'

A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'

A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'

A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'

A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'

A: 'Yes sir, I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'

A: 'Yes sir'

Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'

A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Great Government procurement procedures

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the Government House in Perth. One from Greece, another from Russia and the third, Turkey. They go with a Government House official to examine the fence.

The Turkish contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Russian contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Greek contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the Government House official and whispers, "$2,700"

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys!

How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Greek contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Russia to fix the fence."

"Done!", replies the government official.

And that my friends, is how it all works!!!

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Life in the Monastery


A young Monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other Monks in copying the old Canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the Monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The Abbot, says, 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.'

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the Abbot.

So, the young Monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing!!
'We missed the R
We missed the R
We missed the R

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young Monk asks the old Abbot, 'What's wrong, Father?'
With A choking voice, the old Abbot replies, 'The word was..




















CELEBRATE

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

A young couple were making passionate love in the guy's van (you know, shag
carpets, big double mattress in the back... all that) when suddenly the
girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip
me!"

The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not
have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opened the window,
snapped the antenna off his van and proceeded to whip the girl until they
both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.

About a week later, the girl noticed that the marks left by the whipping
session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor
takes one look at the wounds and asks "Did you get these marks having sex?"

The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she did. Nodding his
head knowingly the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years
of doctoring............

Wait for it...











Are you ready....













Don't cry . . . .












Here comes the punchline....











You've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

We are in trouble...


The population of this country is 300 million.

160 million are retired.

That leaves 140 million to do the work.


There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

Of this, there are 35 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 15 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden.

Which leaves 12.2 million to do the
work.


Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city
Governments.

And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are,

Sitting on your ass,

At your computer, reading jokes.

Nice.

Really nice.

__________________

I already worked today Old Man!!!!!

then it must be me that's screwing off.

__________________

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven



1st woman : Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman : Hi! I'm Kelly. How'd you die?

1st woman : I Froze to Death.

2nd woman : How Horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman : I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up in to the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.