Oh no they didn't.

__________________
Plug me into somethin'

If the theory does not conform to the facts, then the facts must be discarded.

No good deed ever goes unpunished

Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level, & beat you with experience.

That is the ultimate. Either the ultimate in oblivion or the ultimate cynic.

__________________

Need they be different?

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

only as light and dark

(and the option of which to which is yours)

__________________

BEST "HEADACHE" JOKE EVER!!!!!





A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."

"Perfect," her husband said." I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with crushed aspirin.

You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you."

NEVER SAY TO A COP

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says 'Gee. Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?' You probably shouldn't respond with,'Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?'

That'd do it.

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her
ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the
ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow me", she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man
replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still
clasping his hands together at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently
took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put
her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and
asked, "How does that feel"?

He replied: "It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!"

__________________
Plug me into somethin'

If the theory does not conform to the facts, then the facts must be discarded.

No good deed ever goes unpunished

Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level, & beat you with experience.

Why Americans should not quote for Aussie press.

Joy of Sex gets modern makeover: report
Posted 1 hour 26 minutes ago
Updated 1 hour 30 minutes ago

The Observer newspaper is reporting that The Joy of Sex - the groundbreaking 1972 manual that shook up life in the bedroom around the world - has been given a 21st century makeover.

The New Joy of Sex, due out in September, is conceptualised as a modern take on Dr Alex Comfort's original, bringing in new-fangled lovemaking terms and techniques.

Bodypaint, "love maps" and sexual hotspots worth seeking out are included this time.

The head of marketing and publicity for publishers Mitchell Beazley, Jane Smith, says the book has been completely updated.

"But we wanted to ensure that the book does not lose its roots," she said.
"It is, at core, a family reference book. So this new version still includes all that factual information, but many new subjects have been added."

The updated version contains 120 new drawings and photographs.

Out is the original couple illustrated on the cover, with their distinctive, shaggy 1970s hairstyles.

The Joy of Sex has sold 8 million copies since it first hit the shelves.

- AFP

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Subject: Here's the answer to road rage


When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know. Take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying 'Hello.' I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f***ing number!' and he slammed down the phone. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, 'You're an asshole!' and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an asshole!' It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'

He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him
back and said, 'That's because you're an asshole!' and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window; so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd call the BMW asshole, too. I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'

He said, 'Yes, it is.'
I asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'
He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax . It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front.'
I asked, 'What's your name?'
He said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'
I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'
He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'
I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'
He said, 'Yes?'
I said, 'Don, you're an asshole!'

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem: I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called asshole #1.
He said, 'Hello.'
I said, 'You're an asshole!' (But I didn't hang up.)
He asked, 'Are you still there?'
I said, 'Yeah.'
He screamed, 'Stop calling me.'
I said, 'Make me.'
He asked, 'Who are you?'
I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'
He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'
I said, 'Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , a yellow house. I have a black Beamer parked in front.'
He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.'
I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,' and hung up.
Then I called Asshole #2.
He said, 'Hello?'
I said, 'Hello, asshole.'
He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'
I said, 'You'll what?'
He said, 'I'll kick your ass,'
I answered, 'Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax .

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax . I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter, and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really does work.

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker
catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the
hooker, 'How much do you charge?' Hooker replies, 'It starts at $500 for a
hand-job.'

Guy says, '$500 dollars?! For a hand-job! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!'

The hooker says, 'Do you see that Denny's on the corner?'

'Yes.'

'Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?'

'Yes.'

'And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?'

'Yes.'

'Well,' says the hooker, smiling invitingly, 'I own those. And, I own them
because I give a hand-job that's worth $500.'

Guy says, 'What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try.'

They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on
the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth
every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, 'I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?'

The hooker replies, '$1,500.'

'I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!'

The hooker replies, 'Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see
that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright.. And I own
it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500.'

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific h and-job, decides to
put off the new car for another year or so, and says, 'Sign me up.'

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can
scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides
to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable
experience. He asks the hooker,'How much for some pussy?'

The hooker says, 'Come over here to the window, I want to show you
something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before
us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?'

'Damn!' the guy says, in awe, 'You own the whole city?'

'No,' the hooker replies, 'but I would if I had a pussy.'

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION
ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE,
BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:


My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other
-- that is until I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "Go to hell."

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Subject: FW: The talking clock


Proudly showing off her newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night, a drunk female yuppie led the
way to her bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.

"What's that big brass gong for ?" one of the friend's asked.

"Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking clock" she drunkenly replied.

"A talking clock - seriously ?"

"Yup." "Hmmm (hic)."

"How's it work ?" the second friend asked, squinting at it.

"Just watch" she said.

She picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and stepped back.


Her three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.

Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed....

"For f*#k's sake, you stupid bitch... It's ten past three in the f*#king morning !!!

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Montecassino went to
the local church for confession.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said,
"Father ... during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our
neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from
the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you
have no need to confess that."
"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual
favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on
Sundays."
The priest said, "By doing that, you placed yourselves in great danger.
However, two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the
weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your
actions, you are indeed forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I do have one more
question."
"And what is that, my son?" asked the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?"

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating