01-23-2008, 04:04 AM
|
 |
Registered User
|
|
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: North Australia
Posts: 17,686
|
|
|
lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"
He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit when I tell you the price."
__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating
|
01-23-2008, 04:37 AM
|
 |
Just me.
|
|
Join Date: May 2002
Location: West central Illinois
Posts: 590,002
|
|
|
|
01-23-2008, 12:26 PM
|
|
Just me.
|
|
Join Date: May 2002
Location: West central Illinois
Posts: 590,002
|
|
|
Men Never Learn :(
A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans , with a box of crabs.A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.
The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen if she let the crabs thaw out.
Shortly before landing in New York , she announced to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up..so she took them home and ate them herself.
Men never learn.
|
01-23-2008, 07:01 PM
|
|
Just me.
|
|
Join Date: May 2002
Location: West central Illinois
Posts: 590,002
|
|
|
Sunday Clothes
SUNDAY CLOTHES
A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday
afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl
coming from the other direction.
'Hello,' said the little boy
'Hi,' replied the little girl.
'Where are you going?' asked the little boy.
'I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home,'
answered the little girl.
'I'm also on my way home from church.
Which church do you go to?' asked the little boy.
'I go to the Baptist church back down the road,' replied
the little girl. 'What about you? '
'I go to the Methodist church back at the top of the hill,'
replied the little boy.
They discover that they are both going the same way
so they decided that they'd walk together.
They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains
had partially flooded the road, so there was no way that
they could get across to the other side without getting wet.
'If I get my new Sunday dress wet, my Mom's going to
skin me alive,' said the little girl.
'My Mom'll tan my hide, too, if I get my new Sunday suit wet,'
replied the little boy.
'I tell you what I think I'll do,' said the little girl. 'I'm gonna pull
off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across.'
'That's a good idea,'replied the little boy.
'I'm going to do the same thing with my suit.'
So they both undressed and waded across to the other side
without getting their clothes wet. They were standing there
in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back
on, when the little boy finally remarked .
'You know, I never realized before
just how much difference there really
is between a BAPTIST and a METHODIST!!!
|
01-23-2008, 07:11 PM
|
|
Just me.
|
|
Join Date: May 2002
Location: West central Illinois
Posts: 590,002
|
|
|
Bobbitt Family Update
Bobbitt Family Update
In a recent news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.
She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with ......
?
?
?
?
?
Are you ready for this?
?
?
?
?
?
A Misdewiener!
You know darn well you're going to send this on to somebody.
|
01-25-2008, 04:49 AM
|
|
Just me.
|
|
Join Date: May 2002
Location: West central Illinois
Posts: 590,002
|
|
|
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. ' Tie me up, ' she purred, ' and you can do anything you want. ' So he tied her up and went golfing.
|
01-25-2008, 04:50 AM
|
|
Just me.
|
|
Join Date: May 2002
Location: West central Illinois
Posts: 590,002
|
|
|
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, ' Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery! '
The husband said, ' Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff? '
' Doesn ' t matter, ' she said. ' Just get out.'
|
01-25-2008, 04:50 AM
|
|
Just me.
|
|
Join Date: May 2002
Location: West central Illinois
Posts: 590,002
|
|
|
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
|
01-25-2008, 04:51 AM
|
|
Just me.
|
|
Join Date: May 2002
Location: West central Illinois
Posts: 590,002
|
|
|
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver ' s license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z. '
' Can you read this? ' the optician asked.
' Read it? ' the Polish guy replied, ' I know the guy. '
|
01-25-2008, 04:53 AM
|
|
Just me.
|
|
Join Date: May 2002
Location: West central Illinois
Posts: 590,002
|
|
|
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, ' I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent. '
' Thank God, ' said an elderly nun at the back. ' I'm so tired of chardonay. '
|
01-25-2008, 04:54 AM
|
|
Just me.
|
|
Join Date: May 2002
Location: West central Illinois
Posts: 590,002
|
|
|
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
' Careful, ' he said, ' CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You ' re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They ' re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you ' re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don ' t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT! '
The wife stared at him. ' What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don ' t know how to fry a couple of eggs? '
The husband calmly replied, ' I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I ' m driving. '
|
01-25-2008, 04:55 AM
|
|
Just me.
|
|
Join Date: May 2002
Location: West central Illinois
Posts: 590,002
|
|
|
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
|
01-25-2008, 04:58 AM
|
|
Just me.
|
|
Join Date: May 2002
Location: West central Illinois
Posts: 590,002
|
|
|
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come mo! rning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'
'Yes, I do.' Said Bob.
'Did you, er, happen to getup in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'
'She just died and left me everything.'
|
01-25-2008, 01:50 PM
|
 |
Booger Lama
|
|
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Michigan
Posts: 3,552
|
|
|
An Ohio Farmer got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring farm
and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy, about nine, opened the door.
"Is yer Pa home"? the farmer asked.
"No sir, he ain't." the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well," said the farmer, "Is yer Ma here"?
"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Pa."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here"?
"He went with Ma and Pa."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the
other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do fer ya"? the boy asked politely.
"I knows where all the tools are if you want to borry one.
Or maybe, I could take a message fer Pa."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer
Pa. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae,
pregnant."
The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about
that," he finally conceded. " If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges
$50 for the bull and $25 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he
gets for Howard."
__________________
it's only kinky the first time
it's not the orgasm but getting there thats fun
a shot in the bush is worth two in the hand
whip me, beat me, tie me up, break my arm, but please don't break my heart
"The trouble with the world is that the stupid people are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt" -Bertrand Russell
|
01-26-2008, 06:08 PM
|
|
Just me.
|
|
Join Date: May 2002
Location: West central Illinois
Posts: 590,002
|
|
|
Women can be so insensitive ...
Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live.
Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.
Could we please do it one more time?' Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please... just one more time before I die ?' she says, 'Of course, dear.'
And they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep.
Ralph, however, worried about his impending death, tosses & turns until he's down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could....?'
At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Ralph, I have to get up in the morning... you don't.'
|
| Thread Tools |
Search this Thread |
|
|
|
| Display Modes |
Rate This Thread |
 Linear Mode
|
|
Posting Rules
|
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
HTML code is Off
|
|
|
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 05:43 AM.
|
