Ok so I don't know how to introduce this so I am jumping right in...

My grandmother has been in intensive care or a hospital of some type since Christmas. We have almost lost her several times. She has had several heart attacks, a stroke, pnemonia(sp), a flesh eating disease, and some blood disease. When we first almost lost here I cried a great deal and accepted the fact that she was going to die. I then decided I had to be strong for my mom because I knew this was going to be hard on her. My grandmother keeps pulling strength out of no where and comes back to us. Well last week we got her off the ventalator and she was off for a full week, in the middle of that week however her trache fell out (that round thing in the neck if I spelt that wrong). There was a doctor on call that couldn't get it back in caused her to lose a lot of blood, well she asperated some of that blood and now has come down with her second case of pnemonia, diagnosed yesturday. I really don't think she is going to pull out of it...

Some background, I was taking classes about an hour away during the first six monthes of her being in the hospital so I was away and able to deal with it when I had time and on my own terms. I also had friends to hug and hold me when I was crying and help me deal. Now that I am home for the summer I don't have any close friends nearby, and everyday my mom goes to the hospital my mom makes me go as well.

I love my grandma, I was her favorite, it's not that I don't want to see her, it's just that I want to remember her as who she was, not an invalid in a bed who can't talk. All of the things that she loved to do, she can't now, nothing kills me more, she looks so sad. I remember back when we went to church together she would tell me, I just can't wait to go home... my question is... why won't she go, why won't he take her?? She is in so much pain, and she hurts so bad... you can just see it in her face.

Right now I am having trouble dealing, I can't cry in front of my mom for several reasons I don't want to get into. I need talk with someone but all my friends have work in the morning or I am unable to talk to. I don't know who really to turn to without sounding like some whinney kid. I'm not depressed, I just have this lonely open gapping hole suddenly...

So to turn this out of a self pitty party I have questions for all of you... Do you want to be a DNR (Do Not Revive(sp))? Which means no CPR, no help breatheing, and I am not sure what else, basically no life support. At what point did you decide you wanted to be a DNR? I feel right now if something happened to me I would want everyone to do what they could to help me live, I'm not ready to go. Lastly does your decision of this relate to your religious beliefs, or where you stand with God?

I would appreciate any advice or words that anyone can give me. I am sure I am not the only one that has experienced this. Give me some advice on how to handle it. I have never lost someone in my close imediate family.

__________________
~Kaelynn~

Some days life can be shitty , some days life can be outstanding ;
Sometimes you find love , sometimes you find fun ;

Just remember through all these changes you are you, special and unique...

Just a reminder to those who are like me and need it...