A while ago, probably..mid-late March I think, I started on a project at uni. The project was very much non-trivial (for those to whom this makes sense, it was porting a driver from one OS to another). I had never worked with the target OS before. I was getting paid by the hour, too. This was in addition to studying two subjects as part of the tail end of my degree. As I went I was vaguely aware that I was not progressing well, but this week my supervisors told me that, having only completed the driver to the point where the device is initialized, my lack of progress was a real concern as they had hoped to have the driver complete at the end of semester and one of them would have to help pick up some of the slack. I now have more additional work to cope with than before and so it's only going to be more difficult.

The result is that I feel terrible for failing (hugely) to meet their expectations. I feel terrible for making more work for them. I feel terrible for betraying their trust in my ability, of which I now hold an extremely low opinion. I feel terrible for having been paid to do something and failing to deliver. And now it is time to select a thesis topic - as in, the next day or two. Right now I don't feel up to anything. Right now I wish I was so obviously incompetent that no-one trusted in my ability to do anything, so I would never disappoint them.

I'm struggling for ways of dealing with this. Hence this post.

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I want to know everything
I want to be everywhere
I want to fuck everyone in the world
I want to do something that matters