Why does santa claus have such a big sack?


because he only comes one time per year!

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If every material thing is gone, my smile and my tears stay left.

Come listen to a story 'bout a man named John,
A poor ex-marine with his little wanker gone.
It seems one night after gettin' with the wife,
She lopped off his dong with the swipe of a knife.

Penis, that is.
Clean cut.
Missed his nuts.

Well, the next thing you know there's a Ginsu by his side,
And Lorena's in the car takin' Willie for a ride.
She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend,
Tossed him out the window as she went around a bend.

Curve, that is.
Tossed the nub.
In the shrub.

She went to the cops and confessed to the attack,
They called out the hounds just to get his weenie back.
They sniffed and they barked and they pointed "over there"
To John Wayne's henry that was waving in the air.

Found, that is.
By a fence.
Evidence.

Now peter and John couldn't stay apart for long,
So a dick doc said, "Hey, I can fix that dong!"
"A needle and a thread is all we're gonna need"
And the whole world waited till they heard that Johnny pee'd.

Whizzed, that is.
Straight stream.
Even seam.

Well he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court,
With a half-assed lawyer cause his assets came up short.
They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape
And his pecker was the only thing they didn't show on tape.

Video, that is.
Unexposed.
Case Closed.

Ya'll sleep on your stomachs now, ya hear?????

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_______________________
*Diva*



"Never shall I forget the time I spent with you. Please
continue to be my friend, as you will always find me yours."
Ludwig van Beethoven (1770-1827)

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

Why do many women like to wear leggins?


Because it is then possible to read all their wishes from their lips...

__________________
If every material thing is gone, my smile and my tears stay left.

Did you hear about the inventor that created a mixture between a Tampax and vibrator? He says, if women have some bad days every month, at least they should enjoy it.

__________________
If every material thing is gone, my smile and my tears stay left.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde man and a

blonde woman?

A. Usually the blonde woman has a higher sperm count.

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

O.F.
Q:How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:NONE;It's a womans job.
P.S.Before all of the women get up in arms.It's a JOKE. Irish

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Irish---Better to be dead & cool,then alive & uncool!
(Harley Davidson & the Marlboro Man)

just received this in the email:

World's most sexest jokes
1/ Why did God create woman?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.
2/ If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
The swallow
3/ How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?
Phone her.
4/ Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they think men care.
5/ What is the definition of "making love"?
Something a woman does while a guy is f-cking her.
6/ What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.
7/ What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak
8/ How many women does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, let the bitch cook in the dark.
9/ What's the difference between pre-menstrual tension and B.S.E?
One's mad cow disease, the other's an agricultural problem.
10/ Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator..
11/ What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.
12/ How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in.
13/ If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.
14/ How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it!
15/ What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
16/ What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Internet
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman
17/ Why do hunters make the best lovers?
Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once and they eat what they shoot.
18/ How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.
19/ How is a woman like a condom?
Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick
20/ What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.
21/ How are twisters (tornadoes) and marriage alike?
They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the
end you lose your house.
22/ Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
She knows she's given her last blow job.
23/ What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a bitch sleeps with everyone at the party except you.
24/ What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After 10 years the job still sucks.
25/ What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
26/ Why is the space between a women's breasts and her hips called a Waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
27/ Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.
28/ How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
29/ Why did the woman cross the road?
What's the bitch doing out of the kitchen in the first place?
30/ Why are there no female astronauts on the moon?
'cause it doesn't need cleaning yet

__________________
"I am so smart! S-M-R-T!" - Homer Simpson

The sun is gone, but I have a light - Kurt Cobain

~I love Nikki~

just to even it up a bit....

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God.
"Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden
and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man
for you."
"What's a man, Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits.
He'll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you
a hard time.
But he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things.
He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been
complaining , I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy
your physical needs.
He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting
and kicking a ball about.
He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think
properly."
"Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"What's the catch, Lord?"
"Well ... you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring...
you'll have to let him believe that I made him first.
Just remember, it's our little secret...
You know...., woman to woman."

__________________
"I am so smart! S-M-R-T!" - Homer Simpson

The sun is gone, but I have a light - Kurt Cobain

~I love Nikki~

If God was a woman the world wouldn't be as untidy

a place as it is.

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Two ministers were discussing the decline in morals in the modern world.
"I didn't sleep with my wife before I was married," said one clergyman self-righteously. "Did you?"
"I don't know," said the other. "What was her maiden name?"

__________________
Plug me into somethin'

If the theory does not conform to the facts, then the facts must be discarded.

No good deed ever goes unpunished

Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level, & beat you with experience.

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby and asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed. "Breast fed," she replied. "Well, strip down to your waist, "the doctor ordered. She did. He pressed, kneaded and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is hungry. You don't have any milk."
"Of course not," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

__________________
Plug me into somethin'

If the theory does not conform to the facts, then the facts must be discarded.

No good deed ever goes unpunished

Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level, & beat you with experience.

TOP TEN TIMES IN HISTORY, WHEN USING THE "F" WORD WAS APPROPRIATE


10th - "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC

9th - "How the @#$% did you work that out?" - Pythagorus, 126 BC

8th - "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566

7th - "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877

6th - "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926

5th - "Where the @#$% are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937

4th - "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938

3rd - "What the @#$% was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

2nd - "I need this parade like I need a @#$%ing hole in the head!"
- JFK, 1963

And... drum roll...

The number 1 most appropriate time for using the "F" word...

"Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"- Wayne Carey, 2002

(Aussie football player caught fucking a team-mate's wife)

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

OF - must have been a strategic move, throw off the opposition.....make them think about where the wives are at rather than having their minds on the game.

__________________
"I am so smart! S-M-R-T!" - Homer Simpson

The sun is gone, but I have a light - Kurt Cobain

~I love Nikki~

It worked.

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Hang on, this was his own team.

Irish tactics? (Sorry Irish)

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating