Ok folks, this one's alittle difficult.

I am lucky enough to have a very good friend that is able to help me out through this deployment. her husband is in the same unit as mine and her son is only a little bit younger than my son. Our situation is almost exactly the same. I'm posting this for her, but she doesn't know I'm asking for your advice.

it seems as though she is in love with someone else. it's not that she doesn't love her husband, she is totally in love with him too. But she confessed to me that lately she's been having feelings about this other guy so strong that she can't just ignore them anymore. They were very good friends before the deployment and things have just developed from there. They've hung out alot, and she adores him, adores his kids and he treats her well.

she doesn't know what to do. she doesn't want to be unfaithful to her husband, espeically now, and especially becuase of their son. but at the same time she is undenyably attracted to this guy and is having visions of being a family with him and his children. But she doesn't want to hurt her husband and is still inlove with him too.

She's very confused. And I'm at a loss for what to tell her.

LAw

Dear Heart all I can offer is the feelings of a man on the recieving end of the news of an unfaithful spouse. There is no dagger, no sword, no impact from a speeding bullet that can match the pain of being hit with that realization. It boils down to her priorities, is she more concerned with pursuit of her own feelings or concerns for his? Marriage is difficult even when both halves are together, distance only complicates things. All you can really do is tell her to make damn sure she knows what she wants before she makes a decision, once it's done.. that's it. I wish the best for you and them both.

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As to marriage or celibacy, let a man take which course he will. He will be sure to repent - Socrates

Love is not looking in each other's eyes, but looking together in the same direction - Antoine De Saint-Exupery

This is no solution.....But does the fact that her husband is deployed have anything to do with it? It's one thing to be in love with someone else when you get to come home to your husband every night.

It's another thing to make this "decision" when you are lonely and haven't seen your husband in a while. It's very hard to prioritize someone who is abscent over a warm, willing, caring, and compatible person you see daily.

IMHO -- there is more than one person in this world who you could be perfectly happy with and who would complement you. I've met a couple in my life time that -- were circumstances different -- I could have comitted the rest of my life to. Falling in love -- and caring for someone -- is not a sin. And caring for two men at once is eminently possible.

The choices your friend need to make are (1) is she unhappy with her husband, or is it the immediacy of being near someone else (while being lonely) that is clouding her judgement? and (2) is it worth the tradeoffs to make this big life change? and (3) Is it better to wait and mak ethe decisions after her husband is home?

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Life is too short not to love and be loved....preferably multiple times in one night.

I think men talk to women so they can sleep with them and women sleep with men so they can talk to them. ~ Jay McInerney

The need to love the one you're with when you can't be with the one you love is well understood. OsuChe's questions are equally honest.

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Fidelity is always a choice .... not necessarily an easy one, but maybe she needs to stop thinking about her feelings of this moment and start thinking about how she will feel if she makes a choice to be with this other man ... how will she feel when she has to tell her husband about it ... who she freely admits she still loves, how will she feel if he cannot deal with it and asks for a divorce, how will she feel when her child looks at her and asks why daddy doesn't live with them anymore. When it comes to the hard choices in life ... I try to think it through to the conclusion and ask myself about the things I might have to deal with ... for me, looking myself in the mirror everyday thereafter would also have to be included in the possible future I would look at.

she's allowed to be attracted to or love someone besides her husband, but that doesn't mean she needs to act on it. but the dilema's solution seems clear to me....she doesn't want to be unfaithful so she shouldn't. if it would hurt her husband, and she does it anyway, then she doesn't love him as much as she thought. at the verry least, i think she should wait until her hubby gets home and talk to him about it.

who knows? it could just be a crush or fantasy that disappears after a while. imagine how she'd feel if she hurt her family just for a crush.

maybe you could help her make a pro/con list. getting it all out in black and white in front of her may help her see the situation better.

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Trees give peace to the souls of men * Nora Waln

The forest would be very quiet if no other birds sang than those who sing the best * Henry van Dyke

some fairly sordid tales, rambles, and anecdotes
Hypothetically Speaking * Something More * Cammy Interrupted * An Experimental Vacation * Masked * so..damn..hot * Thank You * My toy, his idea * no.19 Maple Lane * I Have A Surprise For You * Yesterday * In a Quiet Kitchen * help me decide * untitled prose * more untitled prose

Lonelyarmy wife, I don't even know how to begin. On one hand, she needs to be strong for her husband, who is going through one of the most difficult challenges of his life. On the other, she is lonely and needs the comfort of a man.

Like osuche said earlier, I think it is possible to care for two people at once. The only thing is that, at some point, her husband is going to come home. What does she do then?

I wish your friend strength...what a terrible dilemma she is facing.


rabbit

LAW- some of what Gekko said had a very good point... I do agree it would be best for her to wait on her husband to come home because of the innocent child involved. However, I am not so sure I could be as strong as both of you. I can't imagine watching the things on CNN and knowing my husband, the father of my children, and last but not least the love of my life was over there fighting for us and for his life. I just can't imagine. There is a guy I talk to that went over there and came home early cause he got shot up god I was happy to hear he was home, but soooo sad that he had gotten shot. He could have lost his life... anyway completely off track...

I don't know that I could be as strong, but god knows I would want to be, I would be in tears almost every night and I would kling so tight to my son, because he would remind me so much of his father. I suggest the friend spends more time with her children than with her friend. Altho god knows that I would want to see the friend and hang out. She needs to distance herself just for a little while to find out where her true feelings lie.

I am so sorry she finds herself in this position.

I wish the both of you well, and I pray to God that they both come home safely!

love ya LAW

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~Kaelynn~

Some days life can be shitty , some days life can be outstanding ;
Sometimes you find love , sometimes you find fun ;

Just remember through all these changes you are you, special and unique...

Just a reminder to those who are like me and need it...

I can't help but empathize with the guy, I mean if she's this lonely being away from him, how does HE feel??? going though this difficult time and also not having her around , mayhaps that explains how they do it eh? I don't know, I just can't imagine how I'd feel being in his situation , being that lonely and wanting to be back with your wife and she's already thinking of building a new relationship with someone else because you can't be there, shitty deal thats for sure.

Remind me not to join up with the army

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You ask me if I've known love and what it's like to sing songs in the rain?
Well I've seen love come, I've seen shot down, I've it die in vain

Maybe someday I'll see you again, and you'll look me in my eyes and call me a friend.

Although I can understand her stance and her feelings, and understand the fact that distance does cause serious problems in relationships, what she needs to really ask herself is if the love for her husband is to be overshadowed, by this man who is making her feel so complete.

Obviously, she loves her husband, if she didn't she wouldn't of married him, but what your friend needs to come to grips with is if its worth losing a loving, caring husband over, for something that isn't as established, isn't as sure-fire, and isn't as concrete as the man over seas, laying his head back at night in a barrack, thinking of his wife and kid at home...

Maybe I'm coming off as a bit of an a**hole, but this is a subject near and dear to my heart, since I have a brother overseas and he was involved in the same situation with his fiance. He went over, and she found someone else and broke his heart, because she couldnt live with the loneliness...

While I understand where these females are coming from, you must also understand that the vows you make during marriage are "till death do us part"...either that or till you get a good divorce lawyer...

You made a commitment to this man and if you are loyal and faithful, you should honor and stick by your man.

She must ask herself, how does her husband feel? Has she considered how lonely he must be? Has she considered how much he is probably dying to get home to her? What about her son? How is she going to explain to him, that while daddy was away, she found something she considers better. While it looks wonderful now, it may just lead to a big bucket of problems...

In the long run, is such a change, really worth all the damage that may potential come from it?

(Sorry if I came off as a complete asshole, so not something I wanted to do, or the impression I wanted to give off...SORRY! ...)

her situation isn't that uncommon among military spouses. her feelings for both her husband and her good friend are real. i love my friends, and some of them i could see myself happily in a relationship with, if i wasn't already involved (and if they were single as well). however, i don't allow myself to think abou the possibility of being with any of them, because i love and am very much *in love* with my partner.

she committed to her husband and chose him over all of the other men she could have chosen...there had to be a reason for it. when she starts having thoughts about the other guy, encourage her to instead think about her husband and what it was about him that attracted her to him. if her feelings toward the friend don't fade back into "just friends", she will have to make the choice to either carry on an affair, or tell one of them that she's sorry, but he's not as good as the other guy in her eyes. that would be a very hard thing, too, and she has to consider whether she's going to be able to do it.
in the meantime, she's got a great friend in you, and i know you're torn about how to help her...just be there, let her talk it out and maybe help her find an interest in something that's just for the girls, so she won't dwell on the fact that her husband is away. sign up for an all-female yoga class, or set up a standing appointment to have manicures/pedicures, maybe even finding someone on base to babysit for the two of you and have a weekly "girls only" night. get a bottle of wine, your favorite "pampering" foods (death by chocolate cake, brownies with lots of icing, ice cream sundaes...you get the idea ) and a good chick flick. or a video of your favorite stand up comedian(s). create a perpetual calendar with note cards, with a special thought each day for the husband and for you two as well (ie, monday - think about what your favorite food to eat off your partner is, tuesday - what's your favorite body part to lick...to have licked?, wednesday - what's the first thing you noticed about your love?, etc..)that can be flipped back to the beginning and used each month to remind both partners of each other.
good luck to both of you. i know this has to be hard on you, too, as it reminds you daily that your love is away, also. chin up, girl, you're definately someone special