We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now,
you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to
some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two basic
meteorological points:

(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida . If you're
new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to
prepare for the possibility that this is the Big One. Based on our
experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step
hurricane preparedness plan:

1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at
least three days.
2. Put these supplies into your car.
3. Drive to Ohio and remain there until Halloween.

Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this
sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida .

We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness
items:

HURRICANE INSURANCE:

If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately,
this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets
two basic requirements:

1. It is reasonably well-built
2. It is located in Ohio .


Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida or any other area
that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies
would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they
might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why
they got into the insurance business in the first place.

SHUTTERS:

Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all
the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets. There are
several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:

Plywood Shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them
yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make
them yourself, they will fall off.

Sheet-Metal Shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once
you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up,
your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.

Roll-Down Shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to
use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you
will have to sell your house to pay for them.

Hurricane-Proof Windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane
protection. They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand
hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says
so. He lives in Ohio .

HURRICANE PROOFING YOUR PROPERTY:

As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects
like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives,
etc. You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming
pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built
immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects
into deadly missiles.

EVACUATION ROUTE:

If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route
planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area,
look at your driver's license; if it says " Florida ," you live in a low-
lying area).

The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped
in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped
in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two
hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be
lonely.

HURRICANE SUPPLIES:

If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy
them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last
possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious
fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM.

In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:

1. 23 flashlights and at least $167 worth of batteries that won't
work or will be the wrong size for the flashlights.

2. Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows
what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)

3. A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless
in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)

4. A large quantity of raw chicken to placate the alligators. (Ask
anybody who went through a hurricane; after the hurricane, there
WILL be irate alligators.)

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws
near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation
by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain
slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over
how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

Good luck, and remember: It's great living in Paradise .

__________________

The practice of putting women on pedestals began to die out when it was discovered that they could give orders better from there.~ Betty Grable

If I wanted your opinion, I'd remove the duct tape and ask you for it.~ Me
<~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~>
One man's dream is another man's nightmare~~~~> §¤ Lilith ¤§
~>My Scribbles<~
==>Gone Shopping<== ~Just a Quickie~ *~A Celebration Vacation~* ~Surprises~ Sleeping With the Window Open
What Did You Do Today? Self Defense Class ~Short Sweet Snippets~ § Summer Spin § Story Challenge Submission Pajamas

Lil, I realize that hurricanes are serious business, but having lived in South Carolina for 8 years I find that absolutely....hilarious because it's true. My mom told me she once heard a woman tell her kids, "now pick out some microwavable tv dinners so that if we lose power you'll have something to eat." Good thing I live in Tennessee.

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"BOY: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? GIRL: Will he offer me his mouth? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his teeth? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his jaws? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his hunger? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Again, will he offer me his hunger? BOY: Yes! GIRL: Yes. BOY: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? GIRL: Yes. BOY: I bet you say that to all the boys!" -Meatloaf

Great advice, Lil .. and I love the idea of microwavable TV dinners!

Just stay safe, Lil! (Come on up to Illinois ... or Ohio ... or, Seattle. )

being a flatlander local myself some of our worst storms by way of wind come in the winter time but to be safe this time everything is safely locked up in my "new" shed even the doors from my old shed which I wouldn't be heart broken if they blew away but they could become projectiles.... of course I strategically placed some old lawn chairs by the side of my house where the winds are traditionally strongest so they will end up in someone else s yard

I like the way you think db!

__________________
Put me on wheels and I'll turn tricks.

Clever? Nah, I ran out of that years ago. But if you find this, let me know, k?
"The road goes ever on..." ~ Tolkien

In memory of my friend skip...
Go then, there are other worlds than these

Me too. Just follow the instructions from the 'advisors'. They always know best.

__________________

Lilith,

My screen resolution seems to be failing. Have you been invited to cum to Illinois, Ohio, or Seattle?

__________________
Eudaimonia

Hey, somehow I got away with not following any of this advice when I lived in Florida. Except about getting out.

__________________
On the kinkometer, my kink measures as a sine wave.

Yes.

__________________

The practice of putting women on pedestals began to die out when it was discovered that they could give orders better from there.~ Betty Grable

If I wanted your opinion, I'd remove the duct tape and ask you for it.~ Me
<~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~>
One man's dream is another man's nightmare~~~~> §¤ Lilith ¤§
~>My Scribbles<~
==>Gone Shopping<== ~Just a Quickie~ *~A Celebration Vacation~* ~Surprises~ Sleeping With the Window Open
What Did You Do Today? Self Defense Class ~Short Sweet Snippets~ § Summer Spin § Story Challenge Submission Pajamas

Even the darkest clouds may have silver linings.

__________________
Eudaimonia

Illinois is a two for one stop.

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