Ok I didn't make these up.
I'm just passing them on for your amusement.




SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE





What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.


What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are
sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of
marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no
intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was
pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use
the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.


Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded
baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong"

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter
than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is
flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a
northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the
front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the
F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!


What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a
southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A
southern fairytale begins
"Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.

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There's someone in my head, but it's not not me - Pink Floyd

OMG - those are great !! lmfao !!

Thanks Bardog, I needed a good laugh today.

teddy

HAHAHA Thanks Bardog.....a couple more

Why did the man put VIAGRA in his eyes?
He wanted to look hard!

Why do Blondes keep empty milk bottles in the refridgerator?
Just in case anyone wants black coffee

Why do men have legs?
So their brains don't drag on the floor

Why do women have legs?
So they don't leave a snail trail

Why is Santa Clause a happy man?
Because he knows where all the baaaaad girls live

Why can't Blondes make ice cubes?
Cos they don't know the recipe

Why was Colonel Sanders a typical bloke?
Cos all he cared about were legs, breasts and thighs

__________________
Rain: Liquid Sunshine!

Life's A Bitch, but I Deal withit!!

Killer jokes...love em....thanks for the laugh

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Life? O that thing again!

"I now leave you to your moosey fate"

Are we there yet?

I'm not offended yet...better keep 'em coming! LOL

I'll try one more blonde joke at the risk of my life ...

A blonde walked into up to an airport ticket counter and asked
to buy a round trip ticket.

"Where to?" Asked the smiling ticket agent.

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Duuuuuh, back here!"

Those are bad... lol.. really bad....

I happen to know a few people like that..

__________________
A blessed thing it is for any man or woman to have a friend, one human soul whom we can trust utterly, who knows the best and worst of us, and who loves us in spite of all our faults.

OMG! Love them!

__________________
"Yes I did go to him,
but completely against my will,
and yes he did things to me,
things of which I dream of still,"

-Cowboy Junkies "Black-eyed Man"

>=D ebil ebil

__________________
-Oz

here's a few more for ya

* How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

* Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

* Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

* How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me."

* How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

* If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, whom do you let in first?
The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

* What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.

* I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

* I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months:
I don't like to interrupt her.

* What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.

* Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It is called Wedding Cake.

* Marriage is a 3-ring circus:
Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

* Our last fight was my fault.
My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said,"Dust!"

* In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

* Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

* A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said,"I haven't eaten anything in four days."
She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

* Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: "That happens in every country, son."

__________________
FussyPucker

There are only 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don't...

Sarcasm: It's not big and it's not clever...........but it's funny as fuck!

The Special One!

oh and if you really wanna start offending people:-

5 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH :
1.Seduce women by your accent alone.
2.Eat food like snails and frog's legs and not be considered deviant.
3.You can be ugly and still become a famous film star.
4.You don't have to bother with toilets, just shit in the street.
5.People expect you to be rude, obnoxious and totally self interested.

5 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN :
1.Have a woman president without electing her.
2.You can bastardise English spelling and vocabulary and get away with it.
3.The constitution guarantees your right to a firearm.
4.Money and fame will get you elected to anything even if senile or stupid.
5.Trade in arms and destroy small nations and claim to be defending world freedom.

5 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH :
1.Travel Europe as a soccer hooligan.
2.Drink warm beer and not be considered a tosser.
3.Confuse everyone with the rules of cricket
4.Wearing the union jack on your arse is actually cool.
5. Live in the past and imagine you are still an empire.

5 REASONS FOR BEING BELGIAN :
1.It takes less than 2 hours to travel across Belgium in a fast car.
2.Just to north is the Netherlands, windmills and pros in windows.
3.Just to south is France, Paris, garlic and wine.
4.Just to the east is Germany and the Schlieffen plan.
5.Just to the west is Britain and the Oostend Ferry.

5 REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN :
1.In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes
2.Unembarrassed to wear fur, leather or G-string.
3.No need to worry about tax returns.
4.Glorious military history... well, till about 400 AD.
5.Wear sunglasses inside.

5 REASONS FOR BEING SPANISH :
1.Be a part of the culture whose greatest film export is Manuel the waiter from Barcelona.
2.Perve at all the nudies from Denmark, Holland and Germany on the beaches.
3 Belong to the country most Moroccans prefer to live in.
4.Make crap paella and sell it to the tourists.
5.Be sexy by dressing in tight clothes with sequins and waiving a red cape in front of a bloody great bull. Then eat their testicles.

5 REASONS FOR BEING GERMAN :
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
. . . .(we'll get back to you on this one)

5 REASONS FOR BEING INDIAN :
1.Chicken Madras
2.Lamb Passanda
3.Onion Bhaji
4.Prawn Tikka Masala
5.Rogan Josh

5 REASONS FOR BEING WELSH:
You've got to be having a laugh boyo, haven't you?!?!?!?

5 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH :
1.Guinness.
2.Get into a fight and kill people just by marching down someone's road wearing the wrong colour.
3.The most important town building is the pub.
4.Use Papal edicts on contraception to convince your girlfriend to have sex without a condom.
5.Tell tall stories about small leprechauns and get blind drunk.

5 REASONS FOR BEING CANADIAN :
1.It beats being an American.
2.Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
3.Enjoy winter 10 months a year.
4.Kill Grizzly bears with a blunderbuss and cover your house in their skins.
5.Did we tell you that we're the only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.

5 REASONS FOR BEING AUSTRALIAN :
1.Have an ancestor who was a conman, forger or thief.
2.Live in a country that started out as a prison.
3.Annihilate England at cricket.
4.Enjoy the sun and get skin cancer later in life.
5.Live in the culture whose most famous festival is the Gay Mardi-Gras.

5 REASONS FOR BEING A NEW-ZEALANDER :
1.Australia is only 2 hours away by plane.
2.Australia has a tolerant policy towards those fleeing New Zealand.
3.A rugby team that occasionally beats the Aussies.
4.Poke your tongue and bear your behind to the Queen and not get arrested.
5.12 million sheep - that's 3 per person folks.

__________________
FussyPucker

There are only 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don't...

Sarcasm: It's not big and it's not clever...........but it's funny as fuck!

The Special One!

Had to laugh secretly at your first jokes Fussy, Hellsbells could be looking and be ready with the rolling pin, hang on there, just going into a cupboard.......LMFAO!!!!!

HAHAHA....You can't beat insulting whole nations, loved em

__________________
Rain: Liquid Sunshine!

Life's A Bitch, but I Deal withit!!

....





LOL! I do love the doughnut joke though.

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Happiness is Bunny Shaped

My Stories:One Hot July Allison's Seduction Olivia's Journey