Perhaps somebody here can help me understand a situation I see. For the life of me I can't. I have a female friend who asked me some time ago if I knew of any houses for rent and I introduced her to someone who had several available units. During the discussion about the need to find another place to live my friend (I'll call her "D" for simplicity) confided in me she was having some trouble with her "roomate". Well, in the last few weeks I've seen D and she's been distant. Once a couple of weeks ago she was scraped up and limping. She said her roomate had shoved her down (yes it's a guy) and finally yesterday I saw D and she was sporting a black eye. I've asked if she needed help and all I get is "No, no I'll handle it" Now, I'm going nuts here. I'm torn between finding the guy and ripping his head off and just turning my head. I mean, D doesn't want help but it seems obvious she's overmatched. I'm not involved with D but I find myself worrying over this daily. Men who hit women rarely stop without help and women who stay in it usually get hurt progressively worse. How do I proceed? I'm barely even acquainted with D but damn, I can't handle seeing anybody put through such crap.

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As to marriage or celibacy, let a man take which course he will. He will be sure to repent - Socrates

Love is not looking in each other's eyes, but looking together in the same direction - Antoine De Saint-Exupery

Stories like this make me cringe. Partly because I wish I knew a way to fix them, but every time I've been close to one I've been reminded that you can't heal someone who's insisting on being sick. The reasons why women stay with abusive men are many and complicated, and inevitably nonsensical to those of us on the outside. I don't understand it on a visceral level, at best I can intellectualize it a bit.

But that's not the point. You want to know what you can do, and I hope to heavens someone behind me comes up with a better answer than mine. Because I don't really think there's much more that you can do. You have to stay the hell away from him, getting yourself arrested for assault doesn't help...and odds are he'll take it out on D first chance he gets. She has to be the solution, as much as anyony can be I think. You've offered to help...keep offering. Don't pretend you don't see it, don't let her get away with pretending no-one else knows. You can try talking to her, if you want...depedning on who she is it might be either harder or easier to take from an acquintance. But until she's ready to take steps away from the creature she's living with...you can't help her. You can support her when she does make the move if you want...you can let her know that support is available to her when she wants it. You can't do anything else, I don't think.

Mind you, it's easier for me to say...not having to watch the problem degrade. And I know full well that if D was one of my sisters, I'd want to be on a plane tomorrow and buying a large bat on my way to town....regardless of all my advice to hold back. But as far as 2cents goes in this situation, I can tell you I think you're doing as much as you can do. She's blessed that someone around her is willing to do that much, not everyone cares enough to notice. You're one of the good guys.

Fingers crossed that she gets the strength before it gets much worse.

(((Hugs)))

Being your friend.. and knowing you as I do... I am certain that this is tearing you up inside. I also know that you have no doubt made yourself available to her... and she knows that... that alone will make all the difference. Just continue to let her know that..

I HIGHLY suggest that you resist your urge to throttle him.. tho that is exactly what he deserves, it will be "D" that will ultimately pay the price and get the brunt of his retaliation. NOT to mention that you going to jail wouldn't serve a purpose (especially for M & E).

Have you considered calling a crisis hotline in your area... to ask for their suggestions? That may be the best place to start... if nothing else they will be able to give you tips on how to handle this situation..

HUGS..

Ginger, thanks for the thoughts. Somehow I knew that's about where it stands. Jenna believe me I've thought about the presonal repurcussions as well but if I got in trouble over this I think M & E would not only understand but support my decision... they like D too. I think the thing that gets me is that I've figured out it's a guy she works with and he's been chummy with me. Now I can see he's feeling me out to see if she's told me anything. That just infuriates me even more. I caqn just see her telling me I'm an animal for hurting him and rushing to his side to comfort him. Been there, done that.. got the hat and tee shirt. Sometimes I wish I could just take this caring heart of mine and toss it in the trash.

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As to marriage or celibacy, let a man take which course he will. He will be sure to repent - Socrates

Love is not looking in each other's eyes, but looking together in the same direction - Antoine De Saint-Exupery

The fact that she's looking for a new place is positive. Is she looking for herself alone?

Do you have any friends in common with her you can talk to about the situation?

Steph I don't really know any of her friends and she has kids. I think she wants her elder kids to stay with her and he won't go for it. Probably because they're old enough to know he's a jerk and don't mind telling him. (speculation) I'll check with some of her coworkers at some point and see what I can find out but I'm betting they're all hush hush because of his presence and not wanting to make it worse on her.

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As to marriage or celibacy, let a man take which course he will. He will be sure to repent - Socrates

Love is not looking in each other's eyes, but looking together in the same direction - Antoine De Saint-Exupery

BigBear57~

I am in a similar situation. I can only say that I just keep showing her the way out and keep encouraging her to do it. I think it helps that in my state if you allow your children to witness abuse on a regular basis, it's considered abuse, and you can have your children removed from the home. It's a threat that scares her but she hates herself so much, she feels she deserves the abuse. It's a fucking train wreck and all you can do is try to offer support and guidance on getting out and love them when they are wounded.

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The practice of putting women on pedestals began to die out when it was discovered that they could give orders better from there.~ Betty Grable

If I wanted your opinion, I'd remove the duct tape and ask you for it.~ Me
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Actually the trainwreck will be if I ever actually see any abuse. Surely though he's smart enough to know that. Thanks for your thoughts Lil, I knew you'd be along with something to add. Thanks to you too Steph. Answers are as few as hen's teeth but it's good to have friend's support.

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As to marriage or celibacy, let a man take which course he will. He will be sure to repent - Socrates

Love is not looking in each other's eyes, but looking together in the same direction - Antoine De Saint-Exupery

BigBear you are a kind and giving man .... undoubtedly why she was able to confide in you in the first place .... but that was probably a rare moment in her life and is why she's trying to steer clear of you .... it's hard to know that you are in a bad situation (that you are choosing to stay in) and that someone else knows about it .... however, I can guarantee that others know, he's not made it possible for her to cover up those wounds! So, don't let her off the hook, let her see that you are around, when you get the chance let her know that you will be there if she decides to change her situation, remind her that kids who see abuse often become abusers themselves ...

and take a few minutes to find out what resources are available to her locally .. a women's shelter would know them, just ask for the generic info, that alone will come in handy if she does decide to leave and comes to you .... if that happens, it will likely be fast and you will want her out from you protection as quickly as possible, not because you wouldn't do a good job, but because he'll come looking and you will be high on that list - she needs to be in anonymous protection as quickly as possible if she is to have any chance of getting out from under this situation. Best of luck!

I wish I could say something to help you ease your mind, but I don't know what it is. You are being a good friend and if you continue to be available for her when she needs you, then that's the greatest thing ever. Like they said above, she's looking to get out, so yes that's a start. I'll never understand how someone can be with a "lover" who hurts them, but I haven't been in their situation, so I can't judge.

You are doing the best for her...being her friend. I wish I could do more for you tho.

Hugs!

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~Tainted Love~

Fzzy, thanks for the support. I've thought of a few places of refuge if the need arises. As for his finding me, hell I hope he tries.
imaginewithme, thanks too. Just knowing you care makes me smile.

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As to marriage or celibacy, let a man take which course he will. He will be sure to repent - Socrates

Love is not looking in each other's eyes, but looking together in the same direction - Antoine De Saint-Exupery

Big Bear... You're right, it's awful to have to watch someone who seemingly is not dealing with an issue such as this. It makes you feel completely helpless and impotent. I think the ladies who have posted ahead of me were all right on the mark... all you can do for her is to not let her hide from you, and be as supportive as you can. Keep offering to help her, offer suggestions as to what you would be willing to do as her friend to help her out. Let her know you won't abandon her. And whatever you do, don't do anything to get yourself thrown into jail! He most certainly WILL take it out on her if you confront him physically.

I think tho, that it's also very important for you to come to some kind of terms within yourself. Of course, one can never "feel ok" about someone else who is suffering needlessly, but you have to be careful that it doesn't chip more away from you than it must. I have learned, painfully and frustratingly, that despite the best and most caring efforts of friends... you can not force anyone to accept your help. You can just be there if and when they're ready to allow you to reach out to them.

Best of luck to you... and to her.

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Dear Lord, I pray for wisdom to understand my man, love to forgive him, and patience for his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for strength, I'll beat him to death. AMEN


It's no trick loving somebody at their best. Love is loving them at their worst.
~Tom Stoppard~


It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
~George Burns~


As bad as I am, I'm proud of the fact that I'm worse than I seem.
~A. DiFranco~

Thank You Flutelady, certainly you're all right. Truthfully each of you echos the thoughts in my own mind. It's just one of those things I wish I could fix with a good whoopin'. Too bad it's not so simple.

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As to marriage or celibacy, let a man take which course he will. He will be sure to repent - Socrates

Love is not looking in each other's eyes, but looking together in the same direction - Antoine De Saint-Exupery

Tell her to go to 1) the police. This is assault (domestic assualt at that, even if it is just a roommate), and the guy should be dealt with accordingly. And 2) her present landlord. There is no reason for her to move, and every reason for this prick to be thrown off his lease. If the landlord doesn't act, she has legal grounds against him. Then give her the number to your local domestic abuse hotline. She should take advantage to every resource afforded to her, she'll need it.

D man I think everybody around has told her to call the cops and if I'm not mistaken he's the landlord as in he owns the residence in question. As for Hotline assistance, the closest help is an hour away and she's just plain scared and too proud to reach it seems. I appreciate the thoughts though.

__________________
As to marriage or celibacy, let a man take which course he will. He will be sure to repent - Socrates

Love is not looking in each other's eyes, but looking together in the same direction - Antoine De Saint-Exupery