I don't know why I'm writing this other than I have closer internet friends than others. I just want to get a few things out guys. It will help me make sense of things.

I was just released from a psych ward for a nervous breakdown. The truth is, I was planning my suicide by researching lethal doses of prescription drugs I could fill and save until the proper potentcy was reached.. I was writing a sucide note, and I was 85% certain I could have done it with three weeks.

I have major depressive disorder and my meds totally stopped working. I fell apart in more pieces than ever before. Even today, I cry two or three times and I don't know why. If I let myself relax for just a second, there is such overwhelming sadness I just cry.
In therapy, I regressed to early, early childhood and reclaimed three abusive and tramic events. I had no flipping idea that was in there. What the hell else is in there?

I really don't know what is happening to me and why now. Shit, I'll be 53 in two months. Why have childhood flashbacks of abuse now?

I don't know why I told you this except that some of you have become very special to me. I guess I just want you to know that I'm struggling and could use a lot of hugs. (God, I'm such a girl.)

Love-Starved and Proud to Call You Friends,
Larry

Larry.... I can not say that I know how you feel, though I have an idea about feeling shitty right about now myself... if a hug will help then I am sure that you have come to the right place. Keep an eye out for the good things as well... they sure as heck can make a difference!

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((LarryL))))))))))))) )))))))))))))))))

__________________
-Toast-
"It takes a lot of brains to enjoy satire, humor and wit - but none to be offended by them." -- Johnny Hart ("BC", cartoonist, 2000)
"Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog: Nobody really enjoys it and the frog generally dies as a result." -- E. B. White

Larry....I'm trying to find words. But having recently been left by someone I love who decided to die, I fear anything I say will sound selfish. You can not believe that there are no worthy days ahead. Is not the joy from one of those days or even one of those moments worth fighting for? I understand you are not equipped to make a good decision when your depression takes hold and you need to remember that. Why are you remembering things now???? I believe it is because despite your suicidal tendencies, something in your life has made NOW a safe time to explore those issues. While the memories are new to you the incidence are old....it's not the incident you are dealing with (you did that long ago by blocking it to protect yourself) it's memories...and memories have only the power we give them, they can not harm you.

Shit Larry...I know it seems bad but hang on. If I am wrong...and when you are 75, if there have not been worthy moments/days, I will give you one :better:

(((((((((((((((((LarryL)))))))))))))))))))

__________________

The practice of putting women on pedestals began to die out when it was discovered that they could give orders better from there.~ Betty Grable

If I wanted your opinion, I'd remove the duct tape and ask you for it.~ Me
<~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~>
One man's dream is another man's nightmare~~~~> §¤ Lilith ¤§
~>My Scribbles<~
==>Gone Shopping<== ~Just a Quickie~ *~A Celebration Vacation~* ~Surprises~ Sleeping With the Window Open
What Did You Do Today? Self Defense Class ~Short Sweet Snippets~ § Summer Spin § Story Challenge Submission Pajamas

I am so sorry for all that is troubling you and wish there was more I could do to help but for now
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Larry)))))))))) )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I hope things get better for you soon.

Larry, I'm so sorry about all the shit on your plate right now. I'm thankful that you're still here with us, and that you're getting the help you need. I'm impressed by your open candor, and am grateful to be among a group you feel at home with.

My prayers are with you, that you'll continue to improve and to find some much needed peace of mind. We're all here for you, I hope you know that.

(((((Larry)))))


(Ya know what? There's nothing wrong with "being a girl", it's way ok to cry and you can have all the hugs you want!)

__________________
Dear Lord, I pray for wisdom to understand my man, love to forgive him, and patience for his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for strength, I'll beat him to death. AMEN


It's no trick loving somebody at their best. Love is loving them at their worst.
~Tom Stoppard~


It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
~George Burns~


As bad as I am, I'm proud of the fact that I'm worse than I seem.
~A. DiFranco~

Life can be such a challenge sometimes. I'm so sorry to hear that it has gotten so overwhelming for you lately.
Like Lilith, the words are tough to find in this situation.....
what I see is that so far, right now, you've chosen and ARE still here, with the world. If you can continue breaking it down to hour by hour, then day by day.......does that relieve some of the overwhelming sadness you feel?

I see you signed off with "love starved" and that probably just adds to the feelings that you don't feel worthy to be here.....but let me tell you, for everything you've experienced, you can be an inspiration to someone ELSE. Staying alive accomplishes that in itself....

Keep poking around till you find the right combo of meds. Feeling better may just sneak up on you when you least expect it.

I really admire your courage for putting it all out there like this. Please hold tight to this rollercoaster ride we call life, ok Larry?

__________________
Everyone knows that laugher is great foreplay!

I know when the black dog comes to live with you, it seems like the pain is too much to bear, & how inviting the long nap seems to be...but however big a mess your life seems, you muist keep up the struggle, don't let the Bastard win...whether you believe it or not, there is always someone who doesn't want you to leave just yet...

__________________
Plug me into somethin'

If the theory does not conform to the facts, then the facts must be discarded.

No good deed ever goes unpunished

Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level, & beat you with experience.

Thank-you for telling us LarryL - by entrusting us with this information, you have given us the opportunity to help you, to love you and nurture you within our 'family'.......and it's an opportunity that we will relish.

Know that we are always here for you....there is always someone out there to help, no matter what time of the day or night.

Take care of yourself, sweet heart.

Lou
x

__________________
"Time flies like an arrow -
Fruit flies like a banana"

M Y - N A U G H T Y - P I C T U R E S ! !

((((((((((((((((((((((((((Larry))))))))))))))))))) )))))))))

Had to do the most important thing right off.

Second most important thing. THANK YOU!!! Thank you so very much for whatever got you away from the research and into the psych ward. Thank you for getting the help you needed to get over the crisis bump. Thank you for reaching out to us for more help. Thank you for coming back to us.

Third most important thing. (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Larry)))))))))))))) ))))))))))))

Next....I know how you feel. Read that twice, I've been where you are. Nothing I'm about to say is guess work. I know that telling you it's going to get better sounds like noise. I know it feels that you're the only one who's ever had it JUST this bad. I know that it feels that walking away from life makes sense. I also know there's a little tiny voice in the back of your head SCREAMING ITS LUNGS OUT that this is wrong. It may not be articulate, but it's fighting for your life. It's your friend. You say you don't know why you're writing this? That voice is why. You're writing this because it's looking for the tools it needs to win for you. It wants to engage your rationanility, so its making you spell out the problem. It knows that writing is theraputic for you. That talking is theraputic for you. That here you can do both at the same time. It knows that if you write and talk here, friends are going to come piling out of the woodwork, and it will have allies. And I know all of that, because my little voice was the reason I decided to play with traffic right outside the school's mental health clinic. And when it couldn't get through to me any other way, it pointed out that I couldn't be sure I'd be the only one who'd die in a crash. Then it only had to get me another block, and through a very difficult door. But it did it. Where the hell else would they have been able to deal with someone who stepped up the to the desk and handed over her keys saying, "I don't think I should have these right now." I know exactly what the temptations are, and I know when you're in that space they make sense. I also know that they are wrong.

At this point, everything's important...so this is just the next thing. And the next thing is repeating that last sentence over and over until my fingers fall off. They're wrong wrong wrong. How do I know that? Chemistry, damn it. Scientific fact. Larry, Hon, your brain just aint working right at the minute. Accept that. I can tell you specifically how it's not working, but that doesn't matter. Just accept your onboard computer's got a virus. If nothing else. The people who survive suicidal spells are those who let their friends keep track of truth while they recover the ability. Tell me you're hurting, and I will believe you. I will cry with you. Tell us that you are dealing with problems that you just can't carry, and we'll help shoulder them. Tell me that life can't get better, and all I can say is that I remember when I was feeling that way, and I was broken too. I was wrong, and you are wrong now. It may not feel like it, so you have to go find the person or people in life you trust. Some have God for this, I had friends. You make them the keepers of your reality for a short time. If they say life can get better, you let that be real even if it feels like letting 2+2=5 for a while. Go ahead and argue with them if it helps, but let them win. Cause right now, mentally speaking, you need to turn over your keys. Just like me, you shouldn't have them right now.

Tell me you haven't got anyone who cares about you enough to do that for you....and I KNOW you're wrong. How? Before today I could count on the fingers of one hand the number of people I'd admitted my little bout of suicidal depression to. The whole damn internet now knows my secret, and I don't care. Because there's a _chance_ you might come back and see it and use it for your own good. Just on these boards, I've seen the good, the funny, the loving and the lovable in you. I'm not the only one. Let them, and they'll show you. But I know I'm on the list of people willing to help, I've seen them above me on this thread, I'm sure more have posted while I've been scribbling, so I know it can't be no-one.

Finally. The most important thing. And I'm saying this even while I know it's likely not to make sense to you yet. It will pass. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem chosen by a damaged instrument. Anti-depressants are tricky, slippery little bastards. There are lots of reasons why your dosage may not be working now. I'm totally available to you to talk about why if you want, your doc is an even better choice. Give him/her the time he/she needs to find the new right answer. It may require talk therapy, dealing with past trauma, time, life changes, different drugs, whatever. But so help me, it will pass. It will not be easy, and it breaks my heart that that's so. I want to make it easy for you. I can't, but I can tell you it _will_ pass. And you will wake up one day, shocked to realize that rain feels good on your skin, and trees are worthy of awe, and nothing nothing nothing bad that happens to you or around you will take that away from you so completely ever again. Because you'll remember that it always comes back.

As far as the repressed memories. I don't know why now. But be fair, there never was a good time. If they're undermining your recovery by coming out, they were probably doing the same when they were under-wraps...just more sneakily. It's better to get them out. Lil's right, though. It's ok now. What happened was a long time ago, and far away. Maybe they're coming back now because you're safe, or ready, or you've just been lucky for 50 years. Maybe the subconscious respects the Government's time line for declassifying information. It doesn't matter. It happened to a different person, you've grown and changed so much. In my case, I think so much of my mental energy was being channeled into just keeping me alive, that I couldn't keep the barriers up any more. I didn't remember new trauma, but the memories of a fairly crappy childhood were more omnipresent, coming up more often, and I felt more strongly about them. But on a very real level, why doesn't matter. It happened to a different person, you've grown and changed so much. It may have influenced who you became, and knowing it consciously may help you into the person you're becoming (I don't think that kind of change ever stops. It just slows for some.). But it is happening, and I wish you the strength to handle it. You're welcome to some of mine if you need it.

Most importantly, though: ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Larry))))))))))))))) ))))))))))))))))

I wish you peace, I wish you strength, and I wish you the clarity to see just for a moment how very much you are loved.

G

Oh yes, one last thing. If you're a girl, Hon, be proud . You're a girl who has the strength to have already lived through one of the nastiest experiences the human animal ever has. You're a girl who has the strength to admit weaknesses, and ask for help. IF you're a girl, you're a damned special one. And may his friends forgive me, if all of that makes you a girl.....there's a man I wish very much had been more of a girl not so long ago.

Gotta go wipe the tears off my comp before it fries now.

Be well, Larry. Be as well as you can right now.

G

Larry hang in there man, you've made the right decision in asking for and accepting help. I'll keep you in my prayers. Just know your Pixie's family is here for you.

__________________
As to marriage or celibacy, let a man take which course he will. He will be sure to repent - Socrates

Love is not looking in each other's eyes, but looking together in the same direction - Antoine De Saint-Exupery

((((((((((((LarryL))))))))))))))

Spell it out! Keep talking...to us and everyone within ear shot! If there is no one within ear shot...go to them!

Please hon, please know that this is only temporary! Life IS worth living and you are worth living this life! GingerV has just spilled her guts in an attempt to prove it to you. Matter of fact, anyone and everyone who replies to this thread is proof positive that no matter your state of mind now, you are worth a hug and a piece of our heart! We care! And, I've no doubt that in your real life there are many who care as well! If you opt not to live, your troubles will be over, but everyone concerned will have to bear a burden I am sure you have no intention of inflicting, but it will rest heavy on us/them just the same! The words, "I'm so glad he/she killed himself/herself" have never been spoken by the survivors of the one who does it. It's just that simple...and it may seem selfish of me to lay that on you...but damnitalltohell Larry, I don't want you to die!

Help IS out there! It may not seem like it now, but it's true! If today seems too oppressive, tomorrow may be better. If not then, then the next day. My point is...if you die you will never know what could be waiting for you right around the corner. Please don't die! Wait for the good! What goes up...must come down. For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. It may take a while but it WILL happen! The good is coming and you have to be here to recieve it!

Keep talking...to us and everyone! The doc's, your family, the mailman...everyone!

((((((((((((((LarryL))))))))))))))

Please hang in there! Please don't leave us! Please get help till it actually helps! It's not you that isn't worthy...it's the combo of drugs tried thus far and there are many other combos...and one WILL work! Please keep trying till you find that combo! It'll be worth it, I promise!

((((((((((((LarryL))))))))))))))

__________________
Minds are like parachutes. They only work when they are open.

~Thomas Dewar~

(((((((((((((((((((((((LarryL))))))))))))))))))))) ))))))

Hey mate i know where you are because i have been there. I failed in my attempt but have no idea why. I got the help I needed and it was a long time before I crawled out of that black hole.

I know the state you get in when you have decided that the world is not worth the pain of being in it, that sense of purpose and the way things settle down but it is the turmoil of the brain and emotions because you are severely out of whack.

I have recovered from those dark days and stay on meds so i wont go back there. I had those memories come back to me in later years, I got gang raped and my mind shielded it from me for many years. I knew there was something there but it didnt come out till i was ready but it was very hard to deal with.

There are some people in my life that make it worth fighting, I have my love Curvy to look forward to and the other thing is that my family has lost both my parents and for me to follow would hurt my kids and siblings so much.

You are family Larry, so many care for you here and i am sure in the world around you. Embrace the help you are getting, keep posting here and remeber that we all are with you.

(((((((((((((((Larry))))))))))))))

Everyone else has said it all, so I give you hugs (((((((((((Larry)))))))))). Sometimes getting itout in the open helps. For those that keep it inside it just festers.

((((((((((((Larry)))))))))))))

I am always thinking about you....which you know already. I am right here!

Love ya

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~Tainted Love~