Just some funnies.... Enjoy!
Recently while going through an airport, President Bush encountered a
man
>with long hair, wearing a robe and sandals, holding a staff. President
>Bush went up to the man and said, "Aren't you Moses?" The man never
>answered
>but just kept staring ahead. Again the President said "Moses!" in a
loud
>voice.
>The man just kept staring ahead.
>Soon a secret service agent came along and President Bush grabbed
>Him and said, "Doesn't this man look like Moses to you?" The secret
>service agent agreed with the president.
>"Well," said the president, "every time I say his name, he just keeps
>staring ahead and refuses to speak. Watch!"
>Again, the president yelled, "Moses!" and again the man just stared
ahead.
>The secret service agent went up to the man in the robe and whispered,
>"You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?"
>The man leaned over and whispered, "Yes, I am Moses, but the last time
I
>talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering the desert!"
>
>
>
>
>
>Larry's get out of jail free card
>
>Larry wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open
>his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a
>glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing
in
>front of him, all clean and pressed. Larry looks around the room and
>sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So's the rest of
>the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table
>"Honey,breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love
>you."
>
>So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and
>the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Larry
>asks,"Son, what happened last night?"
>
>His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious.
>Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black
>eye when you stumbled into the door.
>
>Confused, Larry asks, "So,why is everything in order and so clean, and
>breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
>
>His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when
she
>tried to take your pants off you said,
>
>"Lady leave me alone, I'm married'!"
>
>
>
>
>
>Observations:
>
>1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an
impressive
>new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."
>
>2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
>
>3. The difference between your boss and the Pope....the Pope only
expects
>you to kiss his ring.
>
>4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and then the
clap.
>
>5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in
the
>bathroom.
>
>6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the
drink
>spilled and that ice, well it really chilled her mood.
>
>7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course,
>there's shipping and handling, too.
>
>8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the
>impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
>
>9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a
large
>trash can.
>
>10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me
off.
>I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid.
>
>11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for
>Viagra He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned
>building.
>
>12. My neighbor was bitten by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he
was
>and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him
rabies
>could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said,"
Will?
>What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."
>
>13. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.
>
>14. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never
point
>the wrong way.
>
>15. You are the President of the United States and NASA tells you that
a
> large meteor is heading straight for Earth and it will strike France
at
> 2:00 am one month from today.
>
>France calls and begs you to use your entire available arsenal to save
>it. You know that by doing this it will take away from the buildup in
>the middle east and hurt the war against terrorism. If you don't,
France
>is toast.
>
>Here is your dilemma. Do you stay up and watch it live, or tape it
and
>watch it in the morning?
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>Oh Dear!
>
>Back in the cowboy days, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on
food.
>
>No other people had been seen for days. Unexpectedly, they saw an old
>Jewish man sitting beneath a tree. The leader rushed up to him and
said,
>"We're lost. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?"
>
>"Vell," the old Jewish man said, "I vould definitely NOT go up dat
hill und
>down other side. Somevun told me you'll run into a big bacon tree."
>
>"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader.
>
>"Yah, yah ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nutting vud I lie."
>
>The leader goes back and tells his people that, if nothing else, they
might
>be able to find food on the other side of the next ridge.
>
>"So why did he say not to go there?" some pioneers asked.
>
>"Oh, you know the Jewish folks - they don't eat bacon."
>
>So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly,
>Indians attack and massacre every one except the leader. He manages to
>escape back to where the old Jewish man is sitting and enjoying his
drink.
>
>The near-dead man starts shouting, "You fool! You sent us to our
deaths! We
>followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree. Just hundreds
of
>Indians. They killed everyone but me."
>
>The Jewish man holds up his hand and says, "oy, vait a minute, vait a
>minute." He gets out an English-Yiddish dictionary and begins thumbing
>through it.
>
>"Gevalt, I made myself ah big mistake. It vuz not a bacon tree. It vuz
a
>ham bush!"
>
>
>
>
>
>Ever spoken and wished that you could take the words back...or that
you
>could crawl into a hole? Here are a few people who do....
>
>
>1. I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
and
>asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blowjob? I
turned
>around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say
a
>word... he knew better.
>
>
>2. I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I
was
>unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for
several
>minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who
works at
>the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at
him
>and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
>
>
>3. My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a
>variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy
behind the
>counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking
at
>your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned,
and I
>turned red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me
forget.
>
>
>4. While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to
release
>some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of
her
>after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I
told
>her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be
punished.
>To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as
>threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma
that I
>saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening
>after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they
were
>doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank
with
>my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind
me
>were screams of laughter.
>
>
>5. A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she
finally got
>up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag.
>Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and
boomed
>out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX
SUPER
>SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store
>apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a
>business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU
WANT THE
>KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A
HAMMER?"
>
>
>6. Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My
>three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was
on
>him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in
>between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While
enjoying
>my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my
>seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that
Danny had
>not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go,
and he
>said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident,
and I
>don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you
>didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must
have
>had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo! I asked
one
>more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up,
>yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled.
"SEE
>MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on
their
>tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old
couple
>made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
>
>
>7. This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a
very
>embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think
before
>she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a
true
>story... We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was
supposed to
>have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob,
>where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE
have to
>leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
>
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