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Old 07-24-2003, 06:59 PM
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LadyCutyBi LadyCutyBi is offline
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Talking Just some funnies.... Enjoy!

Recently while going through an airport, President Bush encountered a
man
>with long hair, wearing a robe and sandals, holding a staff. President
>Bush went up to the man and said, "Aren't you Moses?" The man never
>answered
>but just kept staring ahead. Again the President said "Moses!" in a
loud
>voice.
>The man just kept staring ahead.
>Soon a secret service agent came along and President Bush grabbed
>Him and said, "Doesn't this man look like Moses to you?" The secret
>service agent agreed with the president.
>"Well," said the president, "every time I say his name, he just keeps
>staring ahead and refuses to speak. Watch!"
>Again, the president yelled, "Moses!" and again the man just stared
ahead.
>The secret service agent went up to the man in the robe and whispered,
>"You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?"
>The man leaned over and whispered, "Yes, I am Moses, but the last time
I
>talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering the desert!"
>
>
>
>
>
>Larry's get out of jail free card
>
>Larry wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open
>his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a
>glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing
in
>front of him, all clean and pressed. Larry looks around the room and
>sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So's the rest of
>the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table
>"Honey,breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love
>you."
>
>So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and
>the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Larry
>asks,"Son, what happened last night?"
>
>His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious.
>Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black
>eye when you stumbled into the door.
>
>Confused, Larry asks, "So,why is everything in order and so clean, and
>breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
>
>His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when
she
>tried to take your pants off you said,
>
>"Lady leave me alone, I'm married'!"
>
>
>
>
>
>Observations:
>
>1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an
impressive
>new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."
>
>2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
>
>3. The difference between your boss and the Pope....the Pope only
expects
>you to kiss his ring.
>
>4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and then the
clap.
>
>5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in
the
>bathroom.
>
>6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the
drink
>spilled and that ice, well it really chilled her mood.
>
>7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course,
>there's shipping and handling, too.
>
>8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the
>impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
>
>9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a
large
>trash can.
>
>10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me
off.
>I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid.
>
>11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for
>Viagra He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned
>building.
>
>12. My neighbor was bitten by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he
was
>and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him
rabies
>could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said,"
Will?
>What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."
>
>13. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.
>
>14. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never
point
>the wrong way.
>
>15. You are the President of the United States and NASA tells you that
a
> large meteor is heading straight for Earth and it will strike France
at
> 2:00 am one month from today.
>
>France calls and begs you to use your entire available arsenal to save
>it. You know that by doing this it will take away from the buildup in
>the middle east and hurt the war against terrorism. If you don't,
France
>is toast.
>
>Here is your dilemma. Do you stay up and watch it live, or tape it
and
>watch it in the morning?
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>Oh Dear!
>
>Back in the cowboy days, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on
food.
>
>No other people had been seen for days. Unexpectedly, they saw an old
>Jewish man sitting beneath a tree. The leader rushed up to him and
said,
>"We're lost. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?"
>
>"Vell," the old Jewish man said, "I vould definitely NOT go up dat
hill und
>down other side. Somevun told me you'll run into a big bacon tree."
>
>"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader.
>
>"Yah, yah ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nutting vud I lie."
>
>The leader goes back and tells his people that, if nothing else, they
might
>be able to find food on the other side of the next ridge.
>
>"So why did he say not to go there?" some pioneers asked.
>
>"Oh, you know the Jewish folks - they don't eat bacon."
>
>So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly,
>Indians attack and massacre every one except the leader. He manages to
>escape back to where the old Jewish man is sitting and enjoying his
drink.
>
>The near-dead man starts shouting, "You fool! You sent us to our
deaths! We
>followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree. Just hundreds
of
>Indians. They killed everyone but me."
>
>The Jewish man holds up his hand and says, "oy, vait a minute, vait a
>minute." He gets out an English-Yiddish dictionary and begins thumbing
>through it.
>
>"Gevalt, I made myself ah big mistake. It vuz not a bacon tree. It vuz
a
>ham bush!"
>
>
>
>
>
>Ever spoken and wished that you could take the words back...or that
you
>could crawl into a hole? Here are a few people who do....
>
>
>1. I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
and
>asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blowjob? I
turned
>around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say
a
>word... he knew better.
>
>
>2. I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I
was
>unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for
several
>minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who
works at
>the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at
him
>and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
>
>
>3. My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a
>variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy
behind the
>counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking
at
>your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned,
and I
>turned red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me
forget.
>
>
>4. While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to
release
>some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of
her
>after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I
told
>her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be
punished.
>To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as
>threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma
that I
>saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening
>after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they
were
>doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank
with
>my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind
me
>were screams of laughter.
>
>
>5. A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she
finally got
>up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag.
>Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and
boomed
>out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX
SUPER
>SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store
>apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a
>business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU
WANT THE
>KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A
HAMMER?"
>
>
>6. Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My
>three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was
on
>him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in
>between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While
enjoying
>my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my
>seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that
Danny had
>not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go,
and he
>said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident,
and I
>don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you
>didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must
have
>had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo! I asked
one
>more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up,
>yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled.
"SEE
>MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on
their
>tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old
couple
>made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
>
>
>7. This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a
very
>embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think
before
>she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a
true
>story... We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was
supposed to
>have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob,
>where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE
have to
>leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
>
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  #2  
Old 07-24-2003, 07:08 PM
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cowgirltease cowgirltease is offline
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Oh I got tears in my eyes! Girl you got some hellaciously funny ones in there!
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Old 07-24-2003, 07:52 PM
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Cheyanne Cheyanne is offline
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LOL....LadyCutyBi
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  #4  
Old 07-24-2003, 08:01 PM
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ryker ryker is offline
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Love em...lmao...thanks LadyCutyBi
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  #5  
Old 07-24-2003, 08:11 PM
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Sharni Sharni is offline
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Too funny
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  #6  
Old 07-24-2003, 08:27 PM
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Cobalt Cobalt is offline
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to funny
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  #7  
Old 07-24-2003, 11:15 PM
Eros Eros is offline
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Those were great! While reading the Jewish joke, all I heard was Mel Brooks's voice in my head..lol.
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  #8  
Old 07-24-2003, 11:45 PM
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PantyFanatic PantyFanatic is offline
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GOOD stuff LadyCutyBi LMAO
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  #9  
Old 07-25-2003, 10:11 AM
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LadyCutyBi LadyCutyBi is offline
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HeHeHe..

Glad you all enjoyed!

My all time fav is "how much for a shampoo and a blow job?"
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Old 07-25-2003, 12:26 PM
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LOL thats great! "wheres my 8 inches you promised me last nite?!"
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Old 07-25-2003, 12:43 PM
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Steph Steph is offline
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Kids opening their big mouths is great! I can't imagine my kid yelling about kissing my husband's pee pee!

LOL
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  #12  
Old 07-25-2003, 02:10 PM
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LadyCutyBi LadyCutyBi is offline
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LOL...

When my friends kidd was little(about three) she walked in on her Daddy gitting out of the shower... He was mortified as it was, but he nearly died when she looked at her mom and asked "Mommy, why does Daddy have a tail?"
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