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BAD: You can't find your vibrator.
WORSE: Your daughter "borrowed" it.

BAD: You find a porn movie in your son's room.
WORSE: You're in it.

BAD: Your children are sexually active.
WORSE: With each other.

BAD: Your husband's a cross dresser.
WORSE: He looks better than you.

BAD: Your son's involved in Satanism.
WORSE: As a sacrifice.

BAD: Your wife wants a divorce.
WORSE: She's a lawyer.

BAD: Your wife's leaving you.
WORSE: For another woman.

BAD: Your wife's leaving you.
WORSE: To enter a convent.

BAD: Your wife's arrested for soliciting.
WORSE: She implicates you.

GOOD: Hot outdoor sex.
BAD: You're arrested.
WORSE: By your husband.

GOOD: The postman's early.
BAD: He's wearing camos and has an AK-47.

GOOD: The secretary said "yes."
BAD: Your wife says "no."

GOOD: The teacher likes your son.
BAD: Sexually.
WORSE: He's gay.

GOOD: You came home for a quickie.
BAD: So did the postman.

GOOD: You came home for a quickie.
BAD: Your wife walks in.

GOOD: You get a three-day weekend.
BAD: You get the flu on Friday.

GOOD: You get tickets to the theatre.
BAD: It's performance art.

GOOD: You go to see a strip show.
BAD: Your daughter's the headliner.

GOOD: Your boyfriend's exercising.
BAD: So he'll fit in your clothes.

GOOD: Your car conveniently "runs out of gas."
BAD: For real.

GOOD: Your child's "waiting for Mr. Right".
BAD: Your son, that is.

GOOD: Your daughter's on the Pill.
BAD: She's eleven.

GOOD: Your neighbour exercises in the nude.
BAD: He weighs 350 pounds.

GOOD: Your son's doing extra credit work.
BAD: Making a sex-ed video.

GOOD: Your uncle leaves you a fortune.
BAD: It's counterfeit.

GOOD: Your wife bought a porn video.
BAD: Your daughter's the star.

GOOD: Your wife likes outdoor sex.
BAD: You live downtown.

GOOD: Your wife meets you at the door nude.
BAD: She's coming home.

GOOD: Your wife's kinky.
BAD: With the neighbors.
WORSE: All of them.