I definitely like the action!

It is always good to get another person to proofread it for simple errors and get Word or another good editor to check for tense and other grammar errors. Failing that, I do volunteer editing.

Another big plus will be to tell the reader what you are feeling while the action is throbbing. Give him something to say. A bit of dialog mixed in spices things up nicely.

There are many approaches to hot erotica. You can read authors you enjoy a great deal and carefully note how they do it. Good writing is an artform and a bit of science mixed pleasantly.

You have passion. Just sprinkle on some of the afore-mentioned seasoning, and you have a sure winner!
Kisses!

Frank