Oh my...

First.. BigBear57... you are a fabulous man.. a father that both of your children will live their lives being proud of. I have no doubt that they are both aquitely aware of the unconditional love you have for them... as long as they know that.. they are promised a wonderful life... knowing that your parent loves you unconditionally makes all the difference. ((((BigBear57)))))

Secondly... Lixy... I want you to know... your above post.. made me cry... not out of sadness... but because I feel blessed to know you. Reading your post was like a premenition (sp) for me... for I have not lost either of my parents yet.. and it is one of my deepest dreads... that it will happen long before I am ready... because I don't believe I will ever be ready for such a loss.. (((Hugs)))) you are a remarkable woman... and if that is because of your mother... then we all owe her a debt of thanks..

My turning point...... goes back to when I was 18... sitting in my white volkwagon rabbit... listening to the boy I had dated since the 7th grade tell me that he loved me.. but that he had made a "mistake"... that he had slept with someone we both knew (caroline was her name.. still a name I can't bear hearing).. and that she was pregnant. I remember getting out of my car.. feeling as tho I was going to vomit.. and running.. down the block.. with him chasing me.. finally I stopped.. he caught me.. and I just cried as he held me. He told me then that her family didn't know and that he wasn't sure what was going to happen.. but that at 18 he felt he needed to do the right thing. All I could do was cry.. as he did. I finally walked back to my car.. and left... I drove around aimlessly for hours.. drove to the beach.. sat there for sometime.. just staring.. knowing that my life would never be the same...

The next day.. I went and visited my favorite teacher from highschool... as I sat in his livingroom telling him everything.. he looked at me knowing that I wouldn't survive unless I got out... and he suggested the military... I remember leaving his house.. driving directly to the recruiters office.. and in that moment I made my decision... and I enlisted.

Over the next 4 months as I was waiting to leave for basic... I continued to see Phillip... he proved to be my addiction... I continued to sleep with him (without protection) knowing that he was going to marry her... it was like a moth to a flame... I couldnt' stay away.. and there were moments that it got ugly. An example: At some point I found out that not only did her family not know of her pregnancy.. but also of her relationship with Phil.. one day after having passionate bittersweet sex with him during which he had left huge hickies on my neck... I drove to her house... her mother answered the door.. I asked for Caroline.. and as she came down the stairs... I looked at her mother and I said "Do you know that not only is your daughter a whore.. but she is pregnant" and I looked at Caroline and showed her the hickies and said "You best keep your dog on a leash".... and I left.... 18 years old... scorned.... and ugly..

As you can imagine... this period of my life was difficult.. I was 18... and leaving for the Navy... not because I was overly patriotic... but because I knew that not leaving would kill me..

yes.. that moment in the volkswagen changed my life forever... it broke me...


On a side note... Phillip entered my life yet again briefly almost 4 years ago... he and caroline had married.. and divorced... and he was "ending" his second marriage... and wanted to come "home" to me.. long story short... he slept with his 2nd wife again.. and she became pregnant... YEP... again... I lost him due to a pending birth. This time tho.. he didn't have the guts to tell me.. he just stopped calling...but I knew... and his mother verified it. Funny how I absolutely knew when he didn't call.

Recently (last week) I ran into his name at Classmates.com... he just became a new member... and I know that since I was the only friend he had from highschool.. he did it looking for me...

another turning point? perhaps..


Good god.. I know guys... tooo much information in this post.. LOL