I have been having a bit of a problem and I've talked it over with only a few people and I wanted to know if I'm just the freak that I think I am or maybe that something is seriously screwed up.

For the past couple of months, things have been going downhill and they seem to be picking up speed. To put it bluntly...I hate myself from the top of my toes to the bottom of my feet. I get periods of time where I'm fine and then all of a sudden I hit bottom again. I can get depressed and feel like I could cry at the drop of a hat. I dont understand why anyone cares about me or even loves me for that matter. I can get onto these self-hatred streaks that I can find anything and everything wrong with me. Sometimes sleeping helps work it off and sometimes it doesnt.

I'm dating a guy who I have talked it over with and he absolutely hates the fact that it happens and has admitted to me that he doesnt understand why I do it in the first place. Once, in the middle of a higher point, he told me that he is frightened when I get into times like these. I can say that I'm a wuss and would never do anything to injure myself but he knows that deep down, if I work up enough nerve and give it time, I lose that wussiness and just go for it and just put an end to it. He has been trying to get me to go into therapy for a while and I've been so reluctant. I hate spilling my guts to anyone and I honestly cant stand anyone knowing how I actually feel. I would say that one of the absolute worst questions to ever ask me is "So...tell me about yourself." How do you tell someone that you cant stand being you even though you put up a front for years? When I was younger we had to do family therapy for my brother and I didnt like it then and I dont see what is going to be so different about going now.

I know that something is wrong with me knowing that I can pick myself apart and still manage to find something wrong. Tonight in a conversation with someone, I just happened to mention that I'm a complete freak and I was told to get that idea out of my head. Easier said than done to someone who is on the outside. I dont know how much longer I can keep it up. I dont want to admit to the outside world that there is something wrong. I just want it all to stop and start feeling like I'm normal, if there is such a thing. What do I do? I dont know and I just want to know if someone else has ever gotten to this point.