You are all right. I was just thinking tonite and well things just are not that bad.

God, I just really hate myself lately, but mostly I hate the way I have been acting. I mean I don't want to be an ass and I told a friend today that I just very well loose my firends and not make any new ones over all this drama if I keep it up.

Well I am struggling becuase part of my perosnal beliefs were that maybe God does look out for you and that everything has a reason and true happiness comes when we realize that. That the reason times are sotough right now is that I am being tested and it will only make me stronger everday. The problm is that I just feel so spiritually weak. I argue with people all the time. I pick fights with those who wish to help, and well I am sure you ahve noticed I am a tad bit obessed with money and the number 5.

Over a year ago if you would have asked me how I felt about money I would have said it was not important to me at all. That I would be happy just because I have a roof over my head, three meals a day, and that is all I need. I would call myself blessed becuase I felt the work I was doing wa fulfilling and the trick to being happy is to love what you are doing. Now I spend every waking moment worrying about if I can make my payments on the credit cards or if my car will break down. As my firend Larry said the other day, dude you have some serious hang ups lately about your survival skills. When I met you, you were not worried at all about anything and was in a permanent state of happiness.

I mean sure my job sucks ass, but you know what I jsut won't quit it that easily. I take pride on my levels of perserverance and never beofre have I quit any job just because well it just sucks so bad. Besides someday I may be rewarded for my tenactiy which borders on stupidity.

The other thing is that I recently took out about $4,000 out of my life insurance policy and well I was gonna pay it off in a lump sum on one of my credit cards, but now I want to use that money to augment my meager income which will allow me to pay bills for another year at least.

Oh yeah and well since my parents don't believe in going to see a real shrink unless it is for drugs. I will use some of this money to go see a guy who won't tell me my misery is caused by sin and try to convert me to Christianity. I told my mom that if I wanted to be told that I am evil and I deserve what I get I can listen to her for free.

This is important becuase well it is obvious the engineering gig won't turn out like I planned and one of the earliest peices of advice was to go back to college and get a teaching certificate. I always said I never had the money for it and well even if I did I would still have to work full time to pay my current bills. Well now it seems I will have no problem at all!

I mean I do feel a sort of calling to become a teacher. I had always been like a mentor to my little borther and his friends. I tutored math and science throughout college and was damn good at it. (Became sort of an on campus celebrity in my own right). I absolutely loved being a TA. I had always talked about teaching, but at the college level since I would also like to do research too. However, maybe at the high school level it won't be so bad. Besides just messing with the little kids mind is just so tempting.

Anyways, thanks for all of your advice. Just a few things of note:

Lixy, use a bad cliche one more time and I shall spank you.

Lil, if I ever get this whiny again on Pixie's just promise not to spank me.

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Well sir that seems to be someone else's problem.