you are sooo sexy...!!
Bob goes into the public toilet and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.
Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."
The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?"
Bob says, "OK."
Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"
Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."
Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.
The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, I really appreciate it."
Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"
The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it."
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @
A man is getting ready to fuck his new girlfriend for the first time. He tries to push his dick in, but he can't get it in. He tries and tries, but to no avail. Finally he pushes inside her and starts giving it to her. He says, "Damn, this hurts. It's so tight I can barely take it."
She says, "OK. Let me go to the bathroom and make it a little easier."
He climbs off and she disappears for a few moments. When she returns, she lays down and he climbs back on top of her. He slides in again, and this time it's much easier.
"Ahhh. That's more like it. Did you put some KY jelly in there?"
"Nope," she replies, "I just peeled off the fucking scabs..."
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
A guy walks into a brothel and tells one of the girls that he wants a blowjob. The girl takes him to a room and proceeds to suck him off without a condom. While she does so, the guy sees a half-full bucket of sperm beside the bed.
He disregards the strange site as he enjoys the best blowjob of his life. A second later, he shoots long lines of semen into her mouth. She takes every drop, but instead of swallowing, she spits the cum into the bucket.
The guy asks, "Don't like swallowing spuzz, huh?"
She wipes her mouth and replies, "Another girl and I have a bet. Whoever fills up a bucket first gets to drink both buckets."
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
killer vices
Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker and the other was a homosexual.
The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."
The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.
While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar.
The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself.
His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey.
No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.
His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words.
As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.
The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."
************************************************** ***************
The Chastity Belt
King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt, except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.
"Why this is no good, Merlin!" the King exclaimed, "Just look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect the Queen?"
"Ah, sire, just observe," said Merlin. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.
"Merlin, you are a genius!" exclaimed the grateful monarch. "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected."
After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest.
Several years passed until he returned to Camelot.
Immediately he assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way.
All of them, except Sir Galahad.
"Sir Galahad," exclaimed King Arthur. "My one and only true knight. Only you among all the nobles have been true to me.
What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!"
But alas, Sir Galahad was speechless.
************************************************** **
Initiation ceremony
A pastor walked into a neighborhood pub to use the restroom. The place was hopping with music and dancing -- until people saw the pastor.
As the room quieted down, he walked up to the bartender and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"
The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."
"Why not?" the pastor asked. "I really need to use the restroom!"
"Well, I don't think you should. There is a statue of a naked woman in there... She's only covered by a fig leaf!"
"Nonsense," said the pastor. "I'll look the other way!"
The bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the stairs, and he proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, he came back out and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again!
The pastor went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. When I came in here, the place was hopping with music and dancing. Then the room became absolutely quiet. I went to the restroom, and now the place is hopping again."
"Well, now you're one of us!" said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?"
"But I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about a drink?"
************************************************** *
|