12-31-2003, 01:25 AM
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Sleepy Slut
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Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: In a house that faces South in the South
Posts: 1,392
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I was raped as a preteen by a boy from around the block. It was 7 years before I felt like I could do anything beyond petting.
My first consensual vaginal experience was with my husband when we started dating. He was the first man with whom I didn't feel threatened. That's not to say the other fellas I dated were threatening, but I wasn't ready for that step yet.
When we were together for the first couple of months things were a little dodgy at times. Something he said or did unintentionally would set off little triggers in my mind and I would literally have very vivid flashbacks. In those moments, it was not my SO, but my rapist. I would fight, kick, scream, holler, cry, not necessarily all at once, but one of these reactions would manifest.
He asked me one day right after this had happened what was wrong. I finally broke down and told him. The whole time he had felt like he was doing something wrong and it was starting to affect his self esteem. Actually telling him, made him realize the depth of the wound and that it wasn't his fault.
That was actually the first step on my road to recovery. Now I am in a good place I think. We took things slowly and at my pace. He never rushes me on anything that I am uncomfortable with. I can actually enjoy many of the things that would set me off before and others while still not enjoyable at least do not trigger violent negative reactions.
The road to healing is a long one, but remember only do that which you are comfortable with. Don't do anything, just to make the other person happy, and don't push yourself harder than you are ready for.
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