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Scorekeeping for Couples

Simple Duties

You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings: +5
But return with beer: -5
You check out a suspicious noise at night: 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing: 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something: +5
You pummel it with a six iron: +10
It's her father: -10

Social Engagements

You stay by her side the entire party: 0
You stay by her side for a while,
then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy: -2
Named Tiffany: -4
Tiffany is a dancer: -6
Tiffany has implants: -8

Saturday Afternoons

You visit her parents: +1
You visit her parents and actually make conversation: +3
You visit her parents and stare at the television: -3
And the television is off: -6
You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear: -6
And you didn't even go to college: -10
And it's not really your underwear: -15

Her Birthday

You take her out to dinner: 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar: +1
Okay, it is a sports bar: -2
And it's all-you-can-eat night: -3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night,
and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team: -10
You give her a gift: 0
You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance: -10
You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance: +1
You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate: +2
You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months:+30
You wait til the last minute and buy her a gift that day:-10
With her credit card: -30
And whatever you bought is two sizes too big: -40

Thoughtfulness

You forget to pick her up at the bus station: -25
Which is in Newark, New Jersey: -35
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast: -50

A Night Out with Your Pals

You have a few beers: -9
For every beer after three, -2 again
And miss curfew by an hour: -12
You get home at 3 a.m.: -20
You get home at 3 a.m. smelling of booze and cheap cigars: -30
And not wearing any pants: -40
Is that a tattoo? -200

A Night Out, Just The Two of You

You go see a comic: +2
He's crude and sexist: -2
You laugh: -5
You laugh too much: -10
She's not laughing: -15
You laugh harder: -25

Driving

You lose the directions on a trip: -4
You lose the directions and end up getting lost: -10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town: -15
You get lost in a bad part of town & meet the locals up close & personal: -25
She finds out you lied about having a black belt: -60

Communication

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen,
displaying what looks like a concerned expression: 0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes: +5
You listen for more than 30 minutes,
without looking at the television or picking up a newspaper: +10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep: -10