NY, great puns! A friend of mine passed this on a while back --- if you like word play, this is hilarious! BTW, Diva, loved the 'proverbs'!

The Washington Post recently published a contest for readers in which they
were asked to supply alternative meanings for various words. The following
were some of the winning entries:

FLABBERGASTED (adj.): appalled over how much weight you have gained.
ABDICATE (v.): to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
CARCINOMA (n.): a valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.
ESPLANADE (v.): to attempt an explanation while drunk.
WILLY-NILLY (adj.): impotent
NEGLIGENT (adj.): describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer
the door in your nightie.
LYMPH (v.): to walk with a lisp.
GARGOYLE (n.): an olive-flavored mouthwash.
BUSTARD (n.): a very rude Metrobus driver.
COFFEE (n.): a person who is coughed upon.
FLATULENCE (n.): the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run
over by a steamroller.
BALDERDASH (n.): a rapidly receding hairline.
TESTICLE (n.): a humorous question on an exam.
SEMANTICS (n.): pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood,
including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book
together just before vespers.
RECTITUDE (n.): the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist
immediately before he examines you.
MARIONETTES (n.): residents of Washington who have been jerked around by the
mayor.
OYSTER (n.): a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish
expressions.
CIRCUMVENT (n.): the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
FRISBATARIANISM (n.): the belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on
the roof and gets stuck there.

The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word
from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter,
and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners:

SARCHASM: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the reader who
doesn't get it.
REINTARNATION: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
GIRAFFITI: Vandalism spray-painted very high.
FOREPLOY: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining
sex.
INOCULATTE: To take coffee intravenously.
OSTEOPORNOSIS: A degenerate disease.
KARMAGEDDON: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad
vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious
bummer.
GLIBIDO: All talk and no action.
DOPELER EFFECT: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come
at you rapidly.
INTAXICATION: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until
you realize it was your money to start with.
And...
IGNORANUS: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.