Let's try this again....this time in a more readable fashion.

Excuse me for taking so long to get back with you and answering your question. Having an engineering type mind, I had to go to my workshop for some product evaluation.

Now, follow these instructions exactly. Choose one well rounded, long, cold, and preferably bumpy cucumber. Using duct tape, attach it in-line to the handle of a crank type egg-beater. The completed apparatus should have the cucumber sticking out straight on one end and the beater ends sticking out straight on the other end.

By using a willing accomplice, I found out that by inserting the cucumber end into the proper orifice and turning the crank at the proper speed will produce the proper harmonic vibrations to yield the most erotic and gratifying results. Warning! Do not try inserting the wrong end. This could lead to painful results.

“What is the feather used for?” you may ask. Elementary, my dear. Of course that is to tickle your fancy with.

But wait, that would require three hands to operate the apparatus and feather at the same time. I guess you’ll have to seek the help of a willing significant other. Don’t worry. He’ll be so excited seeing you excited that he will be more than willing to lend a helping hand.

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A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.