I am really sorry but this is gonna be a long first post so plz bear with me. thanks!


I decided to make this my first post here, but only because it reminded me alot of how I used to feel. 7 Years ago I just got out of high school. I had never been on a date, wasn't much of a sociable person untill ya got to know me. I never went to bars or clubs cause I had a terrible self image of myself. I always thought of myself as ugly, and another thing that really held me back was the fact that I was really shy. Of course being really naieve did not help either. (hope I spelled that right) I never had many friends in school, which I started in a private school, then went to public in 4th grade. As the new kid I got picked on by I think almost everyone. I did have one friend sort of, I mean we talked every once in a while. But after that I just never had many friends. I was always the guy in the background that everyone knows, but are not friends with. When I was in 5th grade I developed a rare nervous disorder. I pulled my eyelashes out. To this day I don't know why I did. You can imagine the things that kids had to say. I finally lost it started saying all kinds of crazy things, like freddy krueger (yeah the one from the horror flicks) was my friend and he was gonna get them all back for me. At home my dad beat me several times for pulling out my eyelashes. Sometime when I would just sit in my room and cry my dad would walk by and say "what the hell is wrong with you," and I would say I was depressed. He then said and many years later he admitted to saying this, "quit that shit there ain't nothin wrong with you." I think he said it cause I was crying for no reason, some kind of macho thing I guess. Things went on like this for 4 years, until my mom who was never around decided to leave with her bf and leave the state all together. So after painting a portrait of an abusive father in my 12year old mind I said ok, and me and my 4yr old syster went with them and ran away. 6months later we were back with my dad. My mom dissappeared again, until one day she begged my dad to come back after her bf told her to get lost. My dad took her back so my sister and I could have a mother. We went about our lives as though nothing had changed. I cried alot, but I tried to put on a happy face so is not to make my dad mad. my 10th grade year I met a girl in my french class who was real nice. We became friends bc I could do the butt-head impression flawlessly (beavis and butt-head). Well I soon found out she was one of the cheerleaders and very popular. I new then that I couldn't be close with her. IT hurt cause I really liked her. I finally started to have friends that year. The first time I had REAL friends. My dad then says we're moving 2,000 miles away to wyoming cause he visited a relative and thought it was great. Sigh, sorry this is long but I just have to put this up here. I didn't really fit in their either as their were alot of jocks and preps and if you wern't one of them you were in the losers club which I didn't really care. TUrned out that the losers club was full of people I could really talk to. One in particular whos nickname was squid helped me alot. Helped me sort out alot of stuff. Built up my confidence a bit, along with a great artist friend of mine and a mexican guy who had a great since of hummor. IT helped me alot, but there was one thing. My father had not sold the house so he was still in nc while trying to sell the house. My mother, me, and my sister lived in wy. I took care of my sister. My mother like to go to bars and go out with her friends so my sister and I suffered. I became a father to my sister. When she was out sick I was out. When I was sick I was out. I had probs keepin up. I gave up a social life to take care of my sister, even though I did manage to go to the prom, but the girl I went with as a friend (you couldn't get in unless you had a date) she left me as soon as we got in. I helped my sister with her homework, cooked cleaned. My mom worked, and then there were her friends. So that was that. I smoked marijuanna at that time. The truth is no one pressured me, I decided I wanted to try it to see why it was so bad. After smokin a little, I was able to relaxe and laugh in a way I had laughed in a long time. It felt great. Now I am not trying to say go out and smoke it, but at that time it really helped also. While in wy all kinds of things happened and we finally moved back as my dad never did sell the house. I never smoked any after that. I came back having grown a foot in wy. I was now looking rather built. People began to be really nice to me like they were afraid of me. It helped make me feel better, but also alienated me. I found that girl again, but it turned out she was dating my youger cousin. That hurt. He did not like me so when I finally spoke to her again, she made fun of me, made me feel bad. At this point I wanted to die. I gave up, I started thinking of the ways I could do it. I did not want to feel pain. So I decided I was going to use pills. Just go to sleep and not wake up. While I was a senior I did manage to make one friend. A really good friend. I was painting a picture and he loved it. Asked if I could help him and I said sure. Soon he and I were turning out paintings that people loved. One day he calls me and says I need some advice. I say ok, he then says well, there is this girl that I am really good friends with and her bf is cheating on her, but I am in a gang with him and they might come after me. I told him this, well think about weather the gang will come after you, I mean how will they know you told her. I don't think they will but that is just me, you should do what you think is right. With that he said ok. Well I did manage to make it to graduation, and after that my friend and I actually started drivin around, I felt better. THen I got in a car accident, my car was crushed(back seat and trunk no longer existed). We walked away with scratches, knock on wood. I was stuck at home, with nothing but my thoughts of being alone. Honestly enough at this point the only thing keeping me going was that I wanted to experience sex before I died, then I decided one day that the time had come to say goodbye, and that I just couldn't wait for sex anymore. I put the pills to my mouth and the phone rang. I decided to take it. Thank god I did. It was my friend. HE said that he had someone he wanted me to call. I got scared and I said what do you mean. He said I have a girl I want you to call. I just want to say that no matter what, up to that point I could not look a girl in the face for more than a few seconds. I just couldn't I was that afraid and that shy. So he told me to call her or he would have her call me. So I said fine. I called her we talked for like an hour or so. When we hung up I was shaking all over. I felt alive again. I felt happy, nervous and sad all at the same time. My friend tricked us into meeting cause he knew how afraid I was. It was a great meeting. I thought she looked great, I mean, she was overweight like me but she looked great. I don't mean that to sound wrong either. As we were about to leave my friend said ok you 2 kiss so we can leave. Had he not done that I would not have kissed her and it would have just ended. Funny isn't it, 18yrs old and I had never kissed. Truth. After we kissed I drove me and my friend one mile down the road before I was so overwhelmed with emotion and feelings that he had to drive. The girl and I hit it off, and she told me that no one ever treated her so good. She had been with 3 other guys. Intimate with 2 of them but then neither of them made her orgasm. As I look back on it, our first sexual contact is kinda funny because of how scared I was. My gf had to do everything for me. The neat part was makin her have and orgasm. She had never had one. Couldn't even make herself have one, at least not one that strong. After having sex I felt like the weight of the world was lifted from my shoulders. I felt truely alive again. Nothing bothered me anymore. Not even what other people thought of me. My gf and I got married 3 years ago this july 8th. Its been the greatest time of my life. Hell, in the last year alone, a couple who we are very close with. Well their had always been sexual tension between us, and sure enough, one night we were drinking and bam, we got real....... naughty hehe. but my point is, is that sex and love saved my life, and there isn't a day goes by that I am not thankful.