I did read all of it and I feel for you. I'm trying to gather my thoughts and it seems that you have a good relationship with her, which is good. My only other thought is small but important. You keep emphasizing that it was all your fault, which I understand. But I think the best way to move forward from here is to forgive yourself. It's impossible to do anything without forgiveness. Sounds easy, is hard.

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I see your fantasy... you want to make it a reality

Are you in the mood to be subdued

You see these shackles
Baby I’m your slave
I’ll let you whip me if I misbehave

Tie me to the bedpost

I like it rough
cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all