help
 

i think my fiance is fixin to break up with me or is thinkin about it....i dont know what to do. it's making me feel terrible. she still lives at home with her parents annd she goes to college and works. she is stressed out i guess. but last week she went home everyday when she wasn't workin and pretty much had space from me. what should i do? she is just acting like she doesn't want to be with me.

Have you talked to her? I don't know if we can offer any advice . . . was there an event that happened that set off this chain of events?

we got in to an argument last weekend. nothing big, and i thought we had settled it. i just dont understand. i mean i'd do anything for her. i bought her a car and i do the little things. i send her out of the blue stuff every now and then. i'm really caring and i'm never given her a reason for doubting me

There is more to a relationship than material things, I would hate it if my partner were to buy me all this stuff, I would think that he's love isn't genuine and that he thinks that he needs to buy my love.
May I ask what was the fight over?
Who's fault was it?
but I think that at the end of the day you really need to talk to her and try and find out what is wrong

Keep us posted!

Sometimes the arguments we have in relationships are symptomatic of deeper problems, not the problems themselves. Women are often much more attuned to the deeper significance of disagreements in relationships than men are.

It may be that your fiancee feels that the issue at the root of your disagreement is still a problem for you or that you've not completely taken on board the point she was trying to make. The only way you'll know for sure is to talk to her about it. If she refuses or tells you that everything is 'fine', you need to insist that it's not; that you don't find her behaviour acceptable and that she's making you feel insecure. This relationship has to please you as well as her, so her saying she's perfectly happy is not enough. You both have to be happy.


On a seperate note, it sounds like you make a lot of effort to make sure she's happy....why do you feel the need to do this? Is it because somewhere deep inside you know that her feelings for you don't run as deep as yours for her? If so, and if this situation is reaching a head, I'm afraid there's nothing you can do to change the situation. All of the gifts and love notes in the world can't make someone love you more than they already do, and such extravagances can often do more harm than good if the stength of feeling is not entirely reciprocal.

As I said before, the only way you'll resolve this is to talk to her.

ok i got everything out in the open today.
let me tell you the story of everything
ok well about a year ago she cheated on me. she confessed and said she wanted to be with me and she felt i should know cuz she didn't want to hide anything from me. so i thought about it and i realized she was well worth giving another chance. so then we started "fresh" i guess. well i've realized that even though i didn't know it, i was still hloding that against her. i have been jealous ever since. and i know im in the wrong for that. well the whole story with the car is that the one she had messed up beyond repair so i did some looking, found one i thought she'd like. so i had her test drive it thinking she was just driving it to be "looking." she really liked the car, so over the next few days she was still looking for one but she didnt have the money to just get one ya know and she couldn't find one she liked. so i thought, you know we are engaged, and i saw it as something i could do for her to show her i would always take care of her, so i went and bought the one she liked. well we have had a problem with sex as i have said in previous posts. i just seemed to want it for than she does. and i bothered her about it too much. well that was kinda what triggered our argument last weekend. today she finally opened up and told me she was thinkin about breaking up because i was too jealous of her and she said i wasn't the same as i used to be. i talked to her and she said that i couldn't really do anything about it cause she didn't want me to change for HER. and she was upset because she said that this has been going on but i didn't catch her hints and signs seeing this coming. well i told her i have been stubborn and pigheaded and that i see it now. she said she doesn't see why it took so much for me to finally see this and thats when i told her i was stubborn like above. then i told her to give me one more shot and i asked her if our relationship was worth givng me another shot and she said if i controlled my jealousy and stuff(sidetrack- i've never went into jealous rages, just so you know) and not bothered her for sex so much. she told me i had nothing to worry about as far as her going anywhere(<--the jealousy part) and that she was faithfully committed to me. she just couldn't take how jealous i was. she said i took her for granted and i believe i did too. i apologized for everything and told her i would control myself if she gave me another shot and she said that she would put her faith in me that i could and now i have this new chance. and that is pretty much it pf so let me know what you all think.

I'm not one for relationship advice, but just wanted to say... take your time, communicate, and enjoy the moment. You have a lot of life ahead of you to spend too much time not living in the moment.

loulabelle i woould appreciate some more advice please....you're very good at it :)

Honestly, I think you take on too much of the responsibility for this relationship. I've only heard your point of view of course, but it sounds like you're doing all the giving.

She cheats on you.

Your trust in her is broken.

The relationship continues but you still feel insecure and jealous (but not to the point of jealous rages)

Your sex life isn't as great as you'd like it to be because she's not so that interested in sex.

She now doesn't like the fact that you're jealous but she doesn't want you to change for her.

*NEWS FLASH* - you've already changed because of her. You've become a more suspicious and insecure person because of her past behaviour ..... probably exascerbated by the fact that she doesn't get as enthusiastic about sex as you do.

If you were a woman I can guarantee that most of the advice-givers on this thread would be saying 'He's not good enough for you, girl-friend'.

Since I'm an equal opportunities busy-body, I'm tempted to say the exact same thing to you. I find it hard to believe that you are the one apologising and begging for a second chance here, when most people would say that it should be her. In cases where the trust is broken in a relationship, it is the 'betrayer's responsibility to earn back that trust, with the understanding that in some cases, it can never be regained. Sometimes, as much as you want to be able to trust someone again, you just can't. If that's the situation you find yourself in, you need to tell her that you need more time to rebuild your trust in her and that she needs to be doing more to reassure you. If she's not willing to do that, or you don't feel capable of rebuilding that trust, then it may be time to accept that the damage she caused early on in the relationship by cheating is irreparable.

She seems to hold all the cards in this relationship, and she's making you jump through hoops just for the honour of being her fiance. Tell me, is she really that wonderful? What is so great about her that you'd put up with being treated like this?

i know it sounds fairy-tale like but i love her plain and simple. i can forgive her for the cheating because i was gone for a few months due to the military. it just took me a while. i am the type of person where it takes me a while to let go of things. i've finally been able to let the betrayal go. i really don't know what else to say. i just love the girl more than anything and i will do whatever it takes to be with her. it's just the connection we have. i have been through a lot of shit in my past relationships. ours means to much to me to let it slip away. i appreciate your honest response. anymore comments or advice would be welcomed greatly. thanks loulabelle

OK, let me put it another way: why do you love her? What was it about her that made you fall in love with her?

It's that damn golden triangle, I tell ya! It makes us insane! We can't think straight!


Like we are so smart without it! ha ha

Ok Packrat, I have been in here over the last few days and have seen this thread of yours gain some momentum. Now Lou has asked some great questions, in fact if she didn't ask them I probably would have.

Here's what concerns me the most. The fact that she has already cheated on you once, is putting up little red flags right there. She says that you have become the jealous type and maybe to a point the controlling type, simply because of the fact that she put you in this situation by cheating on you. So you have your trust in her broken, you feel insecure about her and which in turn has turned to jealousy. You go out and buy her things, (whether it's a coat or a car is irrelevant) and what do you get in return??? She shuts you down and tells you that you are stubborn and pigheaded. Also she tells you that "you should've seen the signs". That should be a hint right there for you. Then she tells you that you take her for granted.
What???!!!!
From what I have read from your post, it seems to me that she is in fact taking you for granted. As I said just before, " you go out and buy her things" and what exactly has she done in return?????
It seems to me that she is using a reversing move on you. By this I mean, she knows that she is in the wrong and so she puts everything that she has done wrong onto you and makes you feel like crap because of it. Why should you feel that way because she cheated on you????
The writing is on the wall on this one.

Also if this sort of cloud is over your heads and you followed through with the engagement and got married to her, what then? Marriage is a sacred trust between 2 people. She has already broken that. What's to stop her doing it again when you are married? I'm not trying to feed your axieties here, I'm just putting a little perspective on things for you.

aside from everything i genuinely love the girl and wanna be with her. she said she's giving me a chance. what do i need to do? do i need to back off and give her some space and let her come to me? or what? and by the way i am willing to not have sex at all if it means staying with her.

Hi packrat. One thing I am curious about is your age. Hers too if you don't mind.