Pixies Place Forums - The Letter

Just got this from my brother.

Dear Alcohol,

First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours.

My friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work
cocktail, a beer with the game, and you're even around in the holidays
hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of
endless family gatherings. Yet lately I've been wondering about your
intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at
heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences,
briefed below for your review.

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I
question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity
takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends /
girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during
the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal and, though cooking is far from
my specialty, why you suggested that I eat a kebab with chilli sauce, along
with a big Italian hoagie and some stale chips(washed down with chocolate
Nesquik and topped off with a Kit Kat all after a few cheese curls and
chilli cheese fries) is beyond me. Eclectic eater I am, but I think you
went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do
more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by
causing me to fall down, it's completely unnecessary. The black and blue
marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day is beyond me.
Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front
door key into the lock.

4. Pictures: This can be a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify
the last point below, but the following costumes are banned from ever being
placed on my head in public again: Indian wigs, sombreros, bows, ties,
boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones, or bras.
Also, what is with you making me take pictures with people I clearly don't
like when I'm sober, yet they suddenly become my best friends when a flash
is presented?

5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most
likely do not. Please do not request that I go over and see if in fact, I
do actually know that person. The phrase 'let's F***' is illegal! from now
on. While I may be thinking this, please reinstate the brain-to-mouth-block
that would stop this thought from becoming a statement, especially in
public. Please stop me from talking to the guy/girl with the crooked teeth,
acned-up face, bad breath, beer belly, etc. Why are they so appealing to me
while I'm with you and why are they so disgusting to me the next morning
after you have worn off??

6. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous
now. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be
in order, but the 3 p.m -hangover immobility is completely unacceptable.
My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken
(water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to bed/passing
out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover
should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily Saturday or Sunday
(or any day for that matter) activities. C'mon now, it's only fair - you do
your part, I'll do mine.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like to
ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great
stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I
just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to
continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances
above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than
Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions and hopefully we
can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thaddeus K Oldfart.