non-pc employee handbook
 

EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK


DRESS CODE

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.



SICK DAYS

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness.

If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.



PERSONAL DAYS

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.



BEREAVEMENT LEAVE

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.



RESTROOM USE

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.



LUNCH BREAK

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere.





Have a nice week!





THE MANAGEMENT

lmfao:D

How'd you get my companies' secret handbook?

You need to reread the Restroom policy Mr. sexy pants :D


And It's my understanding your work accepts sick notes from demon bitches dressed as nurses:p

Thanks nikki1979.:)

I've already forwarded that to 4 companys.:D

My wife works for Liberty Mutual.In her Dept.,they had an "informal"dress day,usually once a week!They ended up stopping it,because so many people took advantage of it &
dressed like slobs!These are people that deal with customers.
Granted,you don't wear a "Tux" in a motorcycle shop,but that is an entirely different clientle(sp)!Basically,people,ruined it by pushing
the limit.All it takes is common sense! Irish

HEHEHEHEH glad yall like it, i got it in an email this morn so i figured yall wud get a kickoutta it glad i was right
~nikki~

LOL Nikki. Those were great. This is the honest to goodness truth, I knew a manager in Human Resources who once said he thought too much money was wasted on sick employees and their families. It was cheaper to pay off the life insurance policies. You think that wasn't a morale boost? :(