Florida Hurricane Preparation
 

You all should be aware of hurricane preparations, but in case you need a

refresher course: We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season.

Any minute now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person

pointing to some radar blob out in the Atlantic Ocean and making two basic

meteorological points.


(1) There is no need to panic.

(2) We could all be killed.


Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new

to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for

the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Based on our

insurance industry experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple

three-step hurricane preparedness plan:


STEP 1:

Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three

days.

STEP 2:

Put these supplies into your car.

STEP 3:

Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.


Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this

sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida.


We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:


HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:

If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this

insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic

requirements:


(1) It is reasonably well-built, and

(2) It is located in Wisconsin


Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that

might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would

prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be

required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the

insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around

for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly

equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company

can drop you like used dental floss.


SHUTTERS:

Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the

doors. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and

disadvantages:


Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself,

they're cheap.


Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get

them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands

will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.


Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and

will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have

to sell your house to pay for them.


Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane

protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand

hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He

lives in Nebraska.


HURRICANE PROOFING YOUR PROPERTY:

As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like

barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc...

You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if

you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately).

Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly

missiles.


EVACUATION ROUTE:

If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route

planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at

your driver's license; if it says "Florida," you live in a low-lying

area). The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped

in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a

gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred

thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.


HURRICANE SUPPLIES:

If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them

now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible

minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with

strangers over who gets the last can of cat food. In addition to food and

water, you will need the following supplies:


23 flashlights.


At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes off,

to be the wrong size for the flashlights.


Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the

bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)


A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a

hurricane, but it looks cool.)


A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody

who went through Andrew; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate

alligators.)


$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can

buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.


Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near,

it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning

on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right

next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is

for everybody to stay away from the ocean.


Good luck, and remember: Its great living in Paradise.

So damn funny!!!

Ladies,

I guess if you live in Florida, you get used to it...

Ahahaha, Wisconsin!

Bleach! :D LOL

Here's the newest postcard from Florida :D

You can all come down here. We have lots of room and we are all ever so nice! :daisy:

$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can

buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.


Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near,

it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning

on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right

next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is

for everybody to stay away from the ocean.


Good luck, and remember: Its great living in Paradise.[/QUOTE]

And you are all welcome to stay here up Nort! I do have all my discernable teeth... the better to nibble with!

Thank you Tess for this wealth of knowledge, cause you know i like to keep abreast .................................................. ....... or 2!:D:

Coaster if this sucker turns and heads to my house you better be waiting on your doorstep for me. I of course will be happy to repay you for your kindness. :boobs: :bj:

Anybody else think this thread should be a sticky? :rolleyes:

I stand behind my plan to buy huge fans to blow the storms out to sea.

WildIrish, don't you think jet engines would work a little better?? :rolleyes:



The best advice is:

When in doubt
run in circles
scream and shout :eek:

You Forgot Something
 

BUY GAS LOTS OF GAS TONS OF GAS...................TOO LATE EVERY ONE ELSE ALREADY HAS .................................................. .................... GUESS THE TOW BILL TO WISCONSIN WOULD BE TOO MUCH HUH ???????

Buy A New car When you get there??????

Generator??? whats that ????? you can still find them in FL????? Even if you baught one you would have to get the gas from Wisconsin!

The Mayor has Spoken today he said there is no Gas shortages In FL..... Then why were over 52 people fighting over the pumps for the last gas stations in Tampa and metro area that have gas ........ there are 79% of gas station in this area that don't have gas .......Does this make them just Stations????

YES till these things Pass

I read an article, and I will see if I can find it again, that suggested that atmospheric changes will cause Florida to become a hurricane magnet for up to the next decade.


found it!

Why In Hell
 

WHY IN HELL DID I EVER MOVE BACK TO FL ????????????


OH YEAH I REMEMBER now I have to try to forget again

That was something I didn't want to hear. :eek:

Maybe I should move to Atlanta like my mom wants me too. :(

For me the other 9 months still make the 3 bad ones a year worth it.

TOO funny. :grin:

I had considered making up one of our maps with all the Pixie location numbers whirling around Orlando like a miniature solar system with The Mouse as the sun

But after consideration, I thought I’d leave that up to a Flyridan to do.:D

if you make one up PF I want I want iT

I know the expense is nothing compared tothe people who have lost their homes or Goddess forbid their family members BUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT...


I have spent $300 on shit like batteries, matches, water, & canned soup in the past 2 days. Just think of how many sex toys I could have gotten with that :we need a masturbation smiley:

Perhaps those in Florida need to take a lesson from some of the nut jobs in Montana, like the Freeman and other anti-government groups, being prepared ahead of time. There homes are fortesses stocked and prepared for seiges that could last months.--AHHAHA!

But I did design a hurrican proof house--2' thick walls of re-inforced concret--6" thick steel and concret roof--sliding T-1 steel shutters (garage door functioning remote control)--300 gallon diesel fuel tank feed electrical generator. This type of house is surrounded buy a 8' hardened burm with 100 gallon/minute water pumps (x2) independantly powered with a flood gate.

Well I know this style (hurrican bunker home) will not be popular but at least it will piss off your neighbors with this ugly fortress on the block :trout:

I never want to live in that much fear. It's not living, it's merely surviving.

ROFL

:would love a pot-smoking one, too:

We already have one. ;)

30 Things Hurricanes Teach Us

1. An oak tree on the ground looks four times bigger than it did standing up.

2. Even after all these years it is still nice to spend time with Col.
Mustard in the ballroom with the lead pipe.

3. When house hunting look for closets with lots of leg room.

4. Water from the shower is much colder than water from the kitchen
sink--and tastes just as bad.

5. AA, C and D are the only alphabet we need (batteries).

6. The four-way stop is still an ingenious re-flection of civility.

7. Radio can be the best way to watch tele-vision.

8. Chain-saw wielding men are nothing to be afraid of.

9. SUV's are the best makeshift tents on the market.

10. You can use your washing machine as a cooler.

11. It's your God given right to sit on your back porch and eat
Chinese takeout by candlelight in your underwear.

12. We shouldn't complain about "useless" tools in the garage-- we
actually DO need a genera-tor.

13. You can' t spell "priceless" without I-C-E.

14. Downed power lines make excellent security systems.

15. Lakes can generate waves.

16. Gasoline is a value at any price.

17. Cell phones: Breaking up isn't hard to do.

18. The life blood of any disaster recovery is COFFEE.

19. The need for your dog to go out and take care of business is
inversely proportional to the severity of the storm.

20. Candlelight is better than Botox--- it takes years off your appearance.

21. Air Conditioning: BEST INVENTION EVER!

22. Water is a comfort food. But 3-day-old Cheetos are too.

23. Shadow animals on the wall---still fun.

24. No matter how hard the wind blows, road-side campaign signs will survive.

25. You should never admit to having power at your house in the
presence of co-workers or neighbors who do not.

26. There's a plus to having NOTHING in the refrigerator.

27. Getting through the day should be an Olympic event.

28. The movie theater can be a most pleasant place, even if the
feature is Alien vs. Predator.

29. Somebody's got it worse.

30. Somebody's got it better. Obviously, they're getting preferential treatment.

LMAO :D


11. It's your God given right to sit on your back porch and eat
Chinese takeout by candlelight in your underwear.... and look at your house........................ across the street. :eek:



;)

That was hysterical, Tess. You remind me of my Californian friends. "Yeah, ok, earthquakes, but have you SEEN the view?!?"

May you all keep your sense of humor through this season of storms.

G