Something to offend everyone!
 

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE PART I



What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
One US leader.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Why is Chelsea Clinton so homely?
Because Janet Reno is her real father.

What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
100 people who don't do dick.

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE PART II (JUST WARMING UP!)



What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rid es

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

What's the Cuban National Anthem?
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade ...
Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
Are you sure it's mine?"

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."


SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYON E, PART III (Just Great Stuff)

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.



Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.



What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.


Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.



What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.


What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front
of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale
begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

Don't get"pissed off"at the Blonde & Irish ones.My Daughters & I,
are Blonde & Irish! Irish

Nice ones

Three women are sitting in a sauna room wrapped only in towels.One is a red head.a brunette and the other,you guessed it,is a blonde.Suddenly there is a beeping sound and the red head taps her wrist.The beeping stops and she explains that she has a pager microchip planted in her arm and she was just paged.Later on the phone rings and the brunette answers the palm of her hand,after- wards explaining that she had a phone microchip planted in her hand and she wa answering a call.The blonde had no up to date technolgy and felt left out.So she excused herself and left to go to the bathroom.A couple of minutes later she returnes with a lng piece of toilette paper comming out of her butt."Oh would you look at that,I'm receiving a fax.

Does this mean I can call you "Peeping Tom" after all?:D :p

CGT---I hope you know that I was kidding,when I wrote that.I have a "weird" sense of humor.A long time ago,another senior
member,suggested that I put a "smiley"face on my posts,to help
people realise that I was kidding! Irish
P.S.I have been a member,since 2001,many of the "newer"people
,don't realise this.

Those are really good, just what I needed to start my day off. Thanks!

Those were great. I'm spilling my coffee all over the place, laughing so hard.
I'd better put the cup down and reread them.

My husband has a friend who's really nice and what not, but the jokes that come out of his mouth have got to be the most unpolitically correct jokes I've ever heard, such as:


What do you call a tall mexican standing next to a short mexican, next to a tall one, then a short one, and so on?

A Spicket fence.

He told a joke about black people once, and I can't recall it, but I asked, "What do you have against black people" He said, "Nothing, I think everyone should own one"

And last of all,

What's the difference between a jew and a pizza?

The pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.



Now, hearing the jokes this guy cracks, you'd think he'd be the most racial person ever, but he's really not, I promise. ;) He caught me so off guard with those jokes when I first met him.

Tee-Hee... I like them

None of those jokes offended me, I want my money back! :D

I have some hideously crude and offensive jokes, do you want me to post them?

Belial---It won't bother me as long as they're OK with the mods.
They have to watch out for other members being offended,witch
I can understand.Unfortunately,many people take everything
seriously! Irish

Irish, those were cute. Thanks!

DB

I remember all that going on and I seen the smiley. I just didn't wanna step on you toes darlin. ( or your feelings). I love to cut up and joke around too ya know! But I won't do it at other people expense. And Dammit I hate political correctness!:p So you ARE a peeping Tom! SO THERE!:D :p

BTW..... They are good ones.;)

Here's somethign I say to offend as many people/groups as possible:

Nuke an unborn femminist gay whale for Jesus.

gg---I have been nicknamed "Irish" since I was a teenager & I
have been a biker since I was 15.I have been called,just about everything.Hardly anything offends me anymore.As a matter,of fact,some of the Irish slurs(?) I take as a compliment.About the only thing,that bothers me,is if someone calls me unpatriotic! Irish

my favorite offensive comment, made by a very twisted friend of mine when someone started discussing concentration camps...

"hey asshole, have some respect, my grandfather died in a concentration camp!"

<embarassed mumbling....awkward condolences>

"yeah, he fell out of a guard tower and broke his neck."