Simply...THE BEST
 

HAD TO PASS THIS ALONG.....


The best divorce letter ever written!
Dear Connie,

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says:

"There's no one like you, Connie." I look for you in the eyes
and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete?

And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. Didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is.

So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us.

But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you? It's true, Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can. If you feel the same please, please, please let me know. Otherwise, can you let me know where the fucking remote is.

Love,
Dan

OMG!!!!! I'm laughing my ASS OFF!!!!!! Too funny!!

Where was this letter a few years ago, when I could have put it to good use?!? LOL

Priceless

Love it!

AWESOME!

<shaking head> rofl

ROTFLMAO! Lixy, you've done it again! :D :D

I just stood up and applauded

LixyChick,

Yes, breaking up is harder for some than for others.

So sad…

awesome :D

Fantastic, Lixy!!!!











All we need now is Connie's response.......................:D:D:D

Would have loved to have had that a few years ago, and reversed it from a female perspective. Oh that would have been fun!:D

I don't get it ... I mean, here's this guy who is really heartbroken and all you people are laughing at him.

I wrote that letter!

LOL@SS! I thought exactly the same thing! I even thought to type something up that said...

Dear Dan,






































Eat shit and die!

Love,
Connie

P.S. If the remote was up your ass, you'd know!
















But, I didn't feel it did justice to all the work Dan put into his letter...so, if anyone has a perspective from Connie...please feel free to post it!

Lixy---What time are Dans funeral services? Irish

omg to damn funny

~nikki

Dear Dan

I must extend my apologies for not responding sooner......It has been three months since I received your letter and I have not until this minute been able to reply. I was awash with great emotion as I read what I mean to you. I am so glad you contacted me. It speaks volumes to me about your true feelings.

After I left that day I resolved within myself to go out and make myself a better person and I have. The next time you see me you shall feel so proud of what I have done for myself. I know it was selfish of me to venture forth to "find" myself, but you will see that this time apart has done wonders for my being. I am glowing!

You won't believe how much I have changed. I joined a gym and have my very own personal trainer. It's been alot of hard work but I am more firm and leaner than I have ever been. I dyed my hair a beautiful shade of red...you know how you love redheads. I was going to have a facelift but after a few weeks away from you for some reason I looked years younger. Strange isn't it.
I am so sorry that you have been tortured by thoughts of me while with other women. I am sorry to say this, but you have never crossed my mind at all. You always did have a fixation and a control of me that was not healthy, hence the escapade with my sister and I do so hope you can get some good therapy for that.....I do have a confession to make though. I think enough time has passed that you will find this funny. There has been a mirror on the floor that slides from under the bed for ages and ages and it has been way easier to use than taking down the vanity mirror. All the notches on the wooden frame are...well you know!
Well I guess that is all for now....oh except about the remote! Remember that I was bitter and angry at the time when I tell you this, but I wanted to take something from you that you loved more than life itself.....so I took it with me!

See you in divorce court!
Connie

ROFLMFAO@BIBI!!!!!!

Touche'........!!!!

Though, I think you were too kind! *giggle*

Does anyone have Vicky's phone number?

Agua it's 747-555-VIKY