A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby and asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed. "Breast fed," she replied. "Well, strip down to your waist, "the doctor ordered. She did. He pressed, kneaded and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is hungry. You don't have any milk."
"Of course not," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

For the Aussies
 

TOP TEN TIMES IN HISTORY, WHEN USING THE "F" WORD WAS APPROPRIATE


10th - "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC

9th - "How the @#$% did you work that out?" - Pythagorus, 126 BC

8th - "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566

7th - "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877

6th - "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926

5th - "Where the @#$% are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937

4th - "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938

3rd - "What the @#$% was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

2nd - "I need this parade like I need a @#$%ing hole in the head!"
- JFK, 1963

And... drum roll...

The number 1 most appropriate time for using the "F" word...

"Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"- Wayne Carey, 2002

(Aussie football player caught fucking a team-mate's wife)

OF - must have been a strategic move, throw off the opposition.....make them think about where the wives are at rather than having their minds on the game.

It worked.

Hang on, this was his own team.

Irish tactics? (Sorry Irish)

OF - perhaps you could add to the list "What @#$%ing iceberg?" - Captain Smith, 1912

O.F.---No offence taken!The fact that he got his Dick wet;is what
is most important. Irish
P.S.That's where the term-"Any port in a storm"came from.

OF - that list reminded me of some famous last words i'd read
"They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist....." - General John Sedgewick, US Civil War

It also reminded me of the last words of the"Lone Ranger."
When he and Tonto were surrounded by indians.The Lone Ranger
said to Tonto:"Is that the Fuckawa Tribe;out there?We are surrounded;Kemosabe."
Tonto replied:"What you mean We;White man?" Irish

Irish: I've been using the "whatchu mean We white man" for years, that line comes in handy in daily conversation

Always
Kyttn

Kytten, always a very handy phrase.

Legend, most famous last words...OOPS!!

Legend

"A wonderful day for a @#$96ing joy-flight."

Fleet Admiral Isoroku Yamamoto. 1943

A Redneck's last words... "Hey, y'all, watch this..."

Advice from Kids

"Never trust a dog to watch your food." - Patrick, age 10

"When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?' Don't answer." - Hannah, age 9

"Never tell your Mom her diet's not working." - Michael, age 14

"Stay away from prunes." - Randy, age 9

"Don't pull Dad's finger when he tells you to." - Emily, age 10

"When your Mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair." -Taylia, age 11

"Never let your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment." - Traci, age 14

"A puppy always has bad breath--even after eating a Tic-Tac." - Andrew, age 9

"Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time." - Kyoyo, age 11

"You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk." - Amir, age 9

"Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts." - Kellie, age 11

"If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse." - Naomi, age 14

"Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick." - Lauren, age 9

"When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your Mom when she's on the phone." Alyesha, age 13

"Never try to baptize a cat." Eileen, age 8

After his worst game of golf ever, a husband comes home, plops himself down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts." She gets him a beer and fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks irritated, but gets him another beer and slams it down in front of him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute." The wife is now furious. She yells "You've been out golfing all day! Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore . . ." The man sighs and says, "It's started . . "

Nouns or noun-ettes?
 

From the Washington Post Style Invitation, in which it was postulated that English should have male and female nouns, and readers were asked to assign a gender to a noun of their choice and explain their reason.
The best submissions:
SWISS ARMY KNIFE-male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
KIDNEYS-female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
TIRE-male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON: male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it ... and, of course, there's the hot air part.
SPONGES-female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGE-female, because it is always getting hit on.
SHOE-male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
COPIER-female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
ZIPLOC BAGS-male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
SUBWAY-male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
HOURGLASS-female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMER-male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
REMOTE CONTROL-female...Ha! You thought I'd say male. But consider, it gives man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of scotch whisky at a local pub. As he wandered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, so sat down with his back against a tree.

As he slept, two young female French tourists walked down the road and heard the Scotsman snoring loudly. When they came to the source of the snores, one lass said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."

So she boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw what nature had provided him with. Her friend said, "Well, he has solved a great mystery for us! Let's thank him for the education!" Whereupon, she took a pretty blue ribbon from her hair and gently tied it around what nature had provided to the Scotsman.

Sometime later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He walked around to the other side of the tree, raised his kilt and bewilderment filled his mind at the sight of the bright blue ribbon tied neatly in a bow. After several moments passed, he said, "I donna know where y'been lad...but it's nice t'see ye won first prize!"

One day God and Adam were walking the garden.
God told Adam it was time to populate the earth.
He told Adam, "Adam, you can start by kissing Eve."
Adam replied "God, what is a kiss?"
God told Adam and Adam went and took behind the bush and kissed her.

A little while later, Adam came back out with a big smile and said "Wow Lord! That was great!! What next?"
God said, "Adam, I now want you to caress Eve."
Adam says, "Lord what is caress?"
God explained it to Adam and he again took her behind the bush.

A little while later, he came out and said "Lord that was even better than a kiss! What next."
God said, "Here is what gets the deed done. I now want you to take Eve and make love to her."
Adam said "Lord, what is make love?"
God explained and Adam took Eve behind the bush and a few seconds later came out and said "Lord, what is a headache?"

Joe leased an apartment and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. Joe smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. Poor Joe broke out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment, she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, Joe finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"

Astounded and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day!
My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin no blemishes anywhere! How can you feel the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, Joe stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...That was me."

in the restaurant
 

"could you please bring me a bloody steak?"

"sure, and do you wish some fucking potatoes with it?"

:)

A girl is about to tie the knot, and is watching her mother bake
biscuits in the kitchen.

"Mom?" she asks. "How do you keep Dad so happy after all these years
of marriage?"

The mother promptly throws a wad of biscuit dough on the floor, hikes
up her dress, and squats down, picking the dough up with her privates.

"Practice this and when you can do it, I'll guarantee that your man
will be satisfied for the rest of his life," said her mother.
So the girl practiced and practiced until her wedding night.

While her anxious husband waited for her in the bed, she emerged
wearing a sexy negligee, carrying a can of biscuit dough. She opened
the can, threw the dough on the floor, lifted her negligee, and
squatted over the dough, letting out a thunderous fart as she did so.
Her husband, startled, jumped from the bed and backed away.

"What's wrong, honey?" she asked.

He replied, "Shit woman!" as he stepped further away. "If that thing
barks like that for a biscuit, I sure as hell don't want to throw any
meat at it!"

The Contest!!!!!!
This lady had been married to a farmer all her life. They had cows
and
horses on their farm and also grew a number of crops for sale at the
local
farmer's market. While shopping at the local grocery store for a few
items
that she and her husband did not raise or grow for themselves, she
came
across a contest form while she was in the store. It was from the
Carnation
Milk Company and the object was to complete a jingle in fifty words
or less.
The Company furnished the first line of the jingle with these
words, "I like
Carnation best of all......." and it was about those little cans of
milk
found on grocery store shelves.

So she completed their jingle and sent it off to the Carnation Milk
Company.
A couple of months later, the woman was surprised when a man from
Carnation
Milk came to her door and told her that her entry was the best one
submitted. However it was unfortunate the company could not publish
it. In
lieu of that latter fact, they had decided that her entry was worth
at least
a consolation award and provided her with a company check in the
amount of
$1000 for creativity. Here is her entry:

"I like Carnation best of all,
No tits to pull, no shit to haul
No barns to clean, no hay to pitch
JUST PUNCH A HOLE IN THE SON OF A BITCH."

Martha and Jean, two widows, are talking:

Martha: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date . . . I know you
went out with him last week, and wanted to talk with you about him before I
give him my answer."

Jean: "Well . . . I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7
PM. And dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit. And he brings me such
beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a
beautiful car . . . a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes
me out for dinner . . . a marvelous dinner - lobster. Then we go see a show
. . . let me tell you Martha, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died
from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into
an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his
way with me two times!"

Martha: "Goodness gracious! . . . so you are telling me I shouldn't go out
with him?"

Jean: "No . . . I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

Better copulate than never.

KNOW YOUR TREES
 

KNOW YOUR TREES

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.
A small tree begins to grow between them. The beech says to the birch: "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in! :D :D

A man calls in sick at work.

His boss goes ballistic because this is the eighth time he's called

in sick in four weeks.

"If this guy isn't almost on his death-bed, his ass is grass!" he

growled as he picked up his extension.

"OK, just how sick are you?"

The small voice at the other end of the phone said,
















"Well, I'm in bed with my sister....."

For the Irish contingent:

GUINNESS STOUT

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."
The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser."
The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors."
He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke."
The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

THOUGHTS TO GET YOU THROUGH ANY CRISIS
* Indecision is the key to flexibility.
* There is always one more son-of-a-b---- than you counted on.
* There is absolutely NO substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
* Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
* Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
* The facts, although they may be interesting, are irrelevant.
* The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
* Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
* Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
* Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
* Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
* I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
* Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
* This is probably as bad as it can get, but don’t count on it.
* If you think that there’s good in everyone, you haven’t met everyone.
* All other things equal, fat people use more soap.
* If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
* By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
* Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

Why did the Chicken cross the road?
(Hypothetical answers from various famous people)
(author unknown)

Ralph Nader
Chickens are misled into believing there is a road by the evil tire makers. Chickens aren't ignorant, but our society pays tire makers to create the need for these roads and then lures chickens into believing there is an advantage to crossing them. Down with the roads, up with chickens.

Pat Buchanan
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

Dr. Seuss
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! the chicken crossed the road,
but why it crossed, I've not been told!

Bill Gates
I have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook -- and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

Ernest Hemingway
To die. In the rain.

Aristotle
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

Karl Marx
It was a historical inevitability.

Grandpa
In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Saddam Hussein
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Ronald Regan
What chicken?

Captain James T. Kirk
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Fox Mulder
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

Sigmund Freud
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

Senator Lieberman
I believe that every chicken has the right to worship his or her God in his or her own way. Crossing the road is a spiritual journey and no chicken should be denied the right to cross the road in his or her own way.

Jerry Falwell
Because the chicken was gay! Isn’t it obvious? Can’t you people see the plain truth in front of your face?
The chicken was going to the 'other side.' That's what 'they' call it -- the 'other side.'
Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too.
I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.'
That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's plain and simple as that.

Einstein
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

Bill Clinton
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken.
What do you mean by 'chicken?'
Could you define "chicken" please?

Louis Farrakhan
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the 'black man' in order to trample him and keep him down.

The Bible
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And lo, the chicken did cross the road, and there was much rejoicing.

Princely Contest
 

The princess of a far-away kingdom was getting old enough to marry. Her father, the king decided to hold a contest to see which of three neighboring princes would be chosen to marry her. On her 17th birthday he invited the 3 royal families to the birthday ball. After the dining, and dancing were pretty much over, he stood and made the announcement.

"As you all know My Daughter is to be wed. To fairly choose the best husband for her, I give each of you 3 princes this challange: Whosoever collects the most ping-pong balls by midnight of my daughters 18th birthday shall have her hand in marriage."

With that the young princes set out on thier quests.

The year passed, and again the 3 neighboring families gathered for the birthday ball. After dinner, the first prince enters, followed by a dozen servents carrying baskets full of ping pong balls. "Sire, I present you with 1,000 ping pong balls, and ask that you grant your daughter's hand to me!"

Princely Quest Cont'd
 

"Son," the king replied, "there are still two other princes to present their results, enjoy the dancing while we wait."

And so the dancing began. After the dancing, the second prince enters the hall, followed by 2 dozen servants carrying baskets full of ping pong balls.

"Sire, I have come with 2,000 ping pong balls to claim your daughter's hand in marriage!"

"Son," the king replied, "there is still one more prince to present his results, enjoy some coffee while we wait."

As Midnight approached, the second prince stands up "Sire, I fear the last prince may not arrive, Pray announce that I am the winner of your fair daughters hand."

Princely Quest :Conclusion
 

As the king begins to rise, and as the Bells start tolling midnight, the doors to the hall burst open.

There stands the final prince. His clothing is tattered, he is coverd in mud, blood and gore. over his shoulder he carries a huge, furry sack, which he places at the kings feet.

"What is the meaning of this!" the king shouts "How dare you come to my daughters birthday party in such a state?"

The young prince begins to speak, but the king continues:
"And how dare you disgust my guests with this ghastly, greusome......thing! I ask for ping-pong balls and you bring me...THIS!

The prince steps back, looks surprised and shouts:
"Ping-pong balls??? I thought you said King Kongs Balls"

Defense Attorney: What is your age?
Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?
Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts..
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Woman: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him... Take me... you young stud... take me now!
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Woman: Hell, no. He just yelled, "April Fools!!"..... And that's when I shot the @#$%^&&.

Now that the generation that sang, "Hope I die before I get old" is actually getting old, Roy Rivenburg, in his humor column "Off Kilter" wondered if it was time to change the lyrics of some classic rock songs. So he did.

The Beatles: "Lucy in the Sky with Dentures"

Steely Dan: "Rikki Don't Lose That Clapper"

Lynyrd Skynyrd: "Early Bird"

The Rolling Stones: "It's Only Rock 'n' Roll (But I Can't Hear It)"

Marvin Gaye: "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"

The Who: "Talkin' 'bout my medication"

The Troggs: "Bald Thing"

The Lovin' Spoonful: "Do You Believe in Matlock?"

Herman's Hermits: "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."
"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

So To Speak.......


A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

Shotgun wedding--A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

ok 'zoid, you've opened the floodgates...

Why are priests so happy? For 6 days they eat meat, but on friday they have Nun.

It's better to coupulate than never.

Is Marvin Gay?

Why did the man getting a vasectomy buy a 3-piece suit?
so he would LOOK impotant.

Why don't sharks eat lawyers? Professional courtesy.

Why don't sharks eat clowns? They taste funny.

Critics ARE unbiased - since they have no literary skills they hate all authors equally.

To err is human - to really foul things up takes a computer!

Math problems? Get a rabbit - you KNOW how fast they multiply.

I once knew a cross-dresser - what a panty waste

I don't like dentists - always down in the mouth.

Why are women firefighters so dissapointed in their men?
-After hauling a hose like that around, who caould satisfy her?

For 23 years he had heard "Not tonight, I have a headache"
This night he comes into the bedroom with 2 apirin and a glass of water. Seeing this the wife says, "What's that for, I don't have a headache." "Yippee!" the man exclaims and jumps into bed.
Nonplussed, the wife says coldly, "I've got my period."

whats the differance between a gay bar and a sports bar
1) one is aplace to get sweaty and exsiteted the
other is agay bar.
2)ther is more women in a gay bar.
3)at a sports bar you go to see your team score
at a gay bar you score:p

4) the women at gay bars look better
5) The Karoke people at gay bars don't need to get blotted first
6) sports bars smell like used beer, gay bars smell like perfume