.... a freshly shaven Britney Spears (both upstairs and down) comes screaming into view, "Look at me, look at me! I've lost my........"

marbles...can you help me find them? I had 100 an they were all different pretty colours. I lent some to Kevin Federline but he won't give me them back and now I'm.....'

...totally screwed! i can't play mousetrap without my marbles! i need another daddy for my baby and how will i ever find one if i can't play mousetrap?" susan lucci nods with wide-eyed wonder at such wisdom and gasps, "my god, she's right! someone! quick! what's the number for 911!?" but just then famous psychic john edwards appears in a wisp of vapor, gently takes britney's hands and croons, "britney...

..... I sense that you are very troubled. Something to do with a mouse wearing suspenders? Does that sound right? No wait, I'm seeing a sexual encounter with you and......."

... red green. yes red green. i see him now. he's wearing suspenders. he's got a roll of duct tape. HE is your baby's daddy!" suddenly, lucci goes ballistic, "you whore! dirty rotten whore! red green is mine. he swore i was the ony one he'd ever duct." she goes right for the throat, digging her talons into britney's jugular. blood squirts 20 feet into the air, raining down on them all, just as woody allen walks up wearing a white dress, a cap and horn-rimmed glasses. "uhmmm. i hate to be a bother but ...

..... have any of you seen a young Asian girl wearing a strap on dildo and top hat? We're shooting a picture and we need to find her. She's in a scene with myself and Bob Barker and we need her to........."

...spin my prize wheel, if ya know what I mean. While Ms. Spears lay in a pool of her own drugfilled bodily fluids, and Ms. Lucci ranted maniacally over the nearloss of her secret handyman lover, John Edwards had managed to use the distraction to leap out what's left of the window into the waiting arms of...

... dionne warwick. "MWAHAHAHAHA,' she cackles. "i knew those dimwits would believe your psychic claptrap. now that britney's out of the way, we're finally free to...

...take over the void created in pop music with our new group War-Ed! First order of business is to...

... call justin timberlake, tell him he can finally get rid of the red green disguise and that we will be arriving shortly to collect our fee." edwards nuzzles his face against dionne's leg. "get down, lowly dog!" she says. "but mistress," he pleads. "shut UP! i'm trying to think" she begins to pace, "then, after our band goes top forty, and we start raking in the cash, we can finally re-establish the psychic friends network, our diabolical secret cover operation for … (insert appropriate bom, bom BOOOMMMM music here)

...DISCO! (Diabolical Imbecilic Secret Covert Operations) Who's cast of secret members from all walks of society join together to fight for the common goal of ridding the world of mirrored balls hanging from the ceilings. The current leader...

john travolta (in an ironic twist that brings us circling back to scientology) sits in his high-rise office, drumming his fingers together, watching the view on his monitor from the hat-cam attached to lowly dog edwards. “fools,” he thinks, as they make their way to the rendezvous with timberlake, “don’t they know that the 'way to happiness' will not come from the eradication of all disco balls, but only from ...

the acceptance that Ron Popeill is really God in human form and that we exist only to use his brilliant inventions." Travolta stops drumming his fingers and gets his secretary on the phone. "Bjork, I need you to connect me to...

the flying spaghetti monster.” “ja,” she replies, “vight avay, herrn travolta.” she taps the button on her phone next to the white label marked WWTFSMD and as john travolta watches his monitor in growing horror, john edwards’ cell phone begins to ring at the same exact time! “bjork! abort! abort now!” he shrieks. he runs to hide in the closet, grabbing a cornish game hen on the way. it’s been cooked to rapturous perfection in the compact rotisserie, its impeccable texture enhanced only by the flavor injector set that came free when he purchased within the next ten minutes. after he wipes the grease from his hands, he feels much calmer. he now knows who he must speak with if he is to rise above this latest betrayal. as the discarded bones lay at his feet, he presses the i.c.e button on his watch. the glowing digital readout disappears and is replaced by the face of gary coleman. “gary! the worst has happened!” warns travolta. “whachoo talkin’ about, john?” gary barks. “we need your help, gary. you’re the only one small enough … plan B must be enacted … you must descend the depths of the sewers … you’re the only one small enough. we need you to find …

...... Paris Hilton's innocence. It is the only thing that can bring any sort of sanity and order back into this world. We believe she left her innocence in a pair of panties that were discarded in a Hollywood alley about six years ago when she was ............"