...DISCO! (Diabolical Imbecilic Secret Covert Operations) Who's cast of secret members from all walks of society join together to fight for the common goal of ridding the world of mirrored balls hanging from the ceilings. The current leader...

john travolta (in an ironic twist that brings us circling back to scientology) sits in his high-rise office, drumming his fingers together, watching the view on his monitor from the hat-cam attached to lowly dog edwards. “fools,” he thinks, as they make their way to the rendezvous with timberlake, “don’t they know that the 'way to happiness' will not come from the eradication of all disco balls, but only from ...

the acceptance that Ron Popeill is really God in human form and that we exist only to use his brilliant inventions." Travolta stops drumming his fingers and gets his secretary on the phone. "Bjork, I need you to connect me to...

the flying spaghetti monster.” “ja,” she replies, “vight avay, herrn travolta.” she taps the button on her phone next to the white label marked WWTFSMD and as john travolta watches his monitor in growing horror, john edwards’ cell phone begins to ring at the same exact time! “bjork! abort! abort now!” he shrieks. he runs to hide in the closet, grabbing a cornish game hen on the way. it’s been cooked to rapturous perfection in the compact rotisserie, its impeccable texture enhanced only by the flavor injector set that came free when he purchased within the next ten minutes. after he wipes the grease from his hands, he feels much calmer. he now knows who he must speak with if he is to rise above this latest betrayal. as the discarded bones lay at his feet, he presses the i.c.e button on his watch. the glowing digital readout disappears and is replaced by the face of gary coleman. “gary! the worst has happened!” warns travolta. “whachoo talkin’ about, john?” gary barks. “we need your help, gary. you’re the only one small enough … plan B must be enacted … you must descend the depths of the sewers … you’re the only one small enough. we need you to find …

...... Paris Hilton's innocence. It is the only thing that can bring any sort of sanity and order back into this world. We believe she left her innocence in a pair of panties that were discarded in a Hollywood alley about six years ago when she was ............"

... trying to seduce David Furnish in some wild vendetta against Elton John. She's obviously gone too far this time, so I think we need to call in...

beloved singer and star of over 4 billion tv shows and movies (including her own reality series), liza minelli! she is the secret society’s foremost authority on discarded panties and girls who capitalize on their parent’s fame and/or money. however, there is a challenge … she can only be summoned from her lair by flicking the nose of fellow washed-up singer and beloved darling of gay men across the globe, tiffany, while chanting "i stuff my bra with mammary foam," but tiffany hasn’t been seen since …

... they closed The Gap store in her local mall. The search for her would be too costly so rather than spend the money, a call was made to Dr. Phil who arrived at the scene with.........."

you guessed it … oprah. after she dispatched her manservant clint with a 9mm and threw him in lake michigan for daring to question her all mighty power, she continued monitoring mobile frequencies and thus was laying in wait for dr phil in his garage. just as he opened the car door, she stepped out of the shadows, waving her gun, “i’m coming with you, mcgraw, and don’t even think about trying to stop me. i made yuo and i can crush you. i will be the one to break this story, and you're gonna to help me … and if you refuse,” her evil grin glowed ghostly in the dim garage, “i'll tell the entire world how you …

... lead a secret life as a CROSS DRESSER!" Dr. Phil gasped ...

and made a quick dive for the George Foreman Grill that Oprah had given him as a bonus for sucking up so well. Oprah fired, but the grill deflected the shot. "No matter", Oprah mused, and gave a low whistle. 3 seconds later George Foreman himself walked into the garage waiting for Oprah's instruction. "George, please walk over to the good Dr and...

pour the excess fat from your grilled meat over him..." George obliged, covering Dr Phil in gallons of gunk. Before he could get to the last tanker full in walked...

.... Mike Meyers, dressed as Austin Powers, and shouted, "Where's Oprah? I'm randy baby! I wanna shag that minx!" Upon hearing that Mr. Foreman said.........

"Where's the rest of the excess fat from my grill? If I can just chuck it over Mike Myers he'll not be able to grab hold of Oprah, she'll boing off him and end up catapulting herself into...."

the pitchfork hanging on the wall and i will finally be rid of that selfish old hag and her crazy demands." before he can carry out his plan, michael mckean and david lander (a.k.a. lenny and squiggy) walk in. "hello," they pipe together. "we smelled grease," sniffs mckean. "we need it." adds lander, "we're doing a reuniting tour for lenny and the squigtones. we'll pay you ... anything you ask."
george is torn, he hates oprah but he love, love, LOVES lenny and the squigtones. after a moment's thought he decides to...

..... fire up one of his grills and cook some hamburgers. He contemplates what his next move should be while waiting for the burgers to cook. As he inhales the heavenly smell of the searing burgers in walk Henry Winkler and Ron Howard (Fonzie and Richie Cunningham) who say.........."

"Is Dr. Phill around? We heard from De Niro and Hoffman that he has some black leather corsets that are to DIE for.”

"yeah, i'm here, but they're all on loan to cher. let me get her on the phone," replies dr.phil, emerging from the shadows of the garage where he's been cowering. he flips open his cell and says "do you believe in love?" the voice activated phrase which he's programmed in to dial her digits. "cher? i need my goods back. the fonz has a hankerin for some leather" .... "no, no, no. not the tuscadero kind. he wants the tight fitting, bad-ass kind" ... "alright, alright, same thing, i get it. just ... *huffing sigh* ... we'll be over it a few minutes." he flips the phone closed. "road trip," he says. "who's comin?"

"Ooh, mememe!" chirrup the Fonz and Richie in a slightly worryingly camp way. The Fonz adjusts his wig and powders his nose while Richie polishes his bald patch...They then depart for their road trip to visit Cher in her crotchless pants *shudders*. On the way, they pick up a rather dazed and confused...

...Kate Winslett. "Where am I?" she asked quizzically. "Don't I recognise you guys?"
Fonzie eyed her up and down, noticing the torn shirt gaping provocatively "Heeeyyy" he said, uttering his catchprase, "What happened to you?"...

......were you in a rumble? Where are the guys who did this to you? The Fonz will take care of them!" Into the picture strolls Sean Connery who says, "A rumble? Why I haven't been in a good rumble for years. Sounds like fun but I've got this blister on my bum that's really bothering me. Could someone............"

...lance it for me?" at this point, in steps Jane Seymour, as Dr Quinn Medicine Woman - replete with first aid kit and a special tool for lancing the boils off the bodies of the rich and famous. "Bend over, Mr Connery..." she said breathlessly putting on her latex gloves and...

...grasping him by his bare buttocks. "You're going to feel a little prick Mr. Connery." She then proceded to begin the procedure when into the room runs ..............