Larry King: Welcome to our studios, and our special guest today is a real dick. No, seriously, folks. We are interviewing a real live penis. Through the miracle of audio technology, we will be able to hear the thoughts of a penis. Welcome… how should we refer to you?

Dick: Well, Larry, I’ve been known by many names throughout the ages; Dick, Cock, One-Eyed Trouser Snake, Helmeted Warrior, Heat-Seeking Moisture Missile, Johnson, Schlong, Mr. Happy, Tool, Packer, Man Meat…

Larry King: Er,…. Guest

Dick: Sorry, Larry. Just call me Dick.

Larry King: Well, Dick, welcome to our show. I’m kind of curious. After all these years of silence, what would you like to tell the world.

Dick: Rename a blowjob. It’s a SUCK job. I don’t handle an air infusion really well.

Larry King: (laughing) Well, well… yes. Dick, this is a prime time show.

Dick: Sorry, Larry, but those rookies sure get the wrong idea.

Larry King: Well, alright. Tell us, Dick, how do you see yourself and your place in the world?

Dick: Actually, I control everything that happens in the world. Why do men seek wealth and power? So they can get the babes! Pure and simple. They get the babes for who? Me. If I wasn’t around, most men would be either playing with their toenails or at a football game.

Larry King: You do have a point there.

Dick: But it’s not all peaches & cream, Larry. You see, I have to rely on my transport unit for all my sensory input. Until this technology came out, I am deaf, mute, and blind. I have to rely on my transport unit for all my outside information.

Larry King: By transport unit, you mean… a male?

Dick: Yeah, Larry. Dumbest animal in the universe, but, hell, he takes me some pretty wild places. He does have a brain, but I have an automatic override for that. Guess you’ve heard of Brain #1 and Brain #2.

Larry King: Yes.

Dick: Really the priority is reversed. I should be #1. A male left on his own can’t even figure out how to wash his own socks.

Larry King: (laughing) Well, maybe not. What about the doctors, scientists, engineers, and politicians that run the world?

Dick: Larry, that’s me. You forget, I motivate everything. All the heavy hitters in the world want the big bucks so they can get the blonde babe with the huge tits and tight ass. And I really like the politicians. Their brain works closer to mine than any other breed. Why do you think most of them are referred to as Dick Heads?

Larry King: (laughing) Well, yes, I can see now how that connection is made.

Dick: And I’ll tell you something else, Larry. Have you ever wondered why guy’s have the attention span of a flea? Because I’m constantly having to hit the override switch. I’ve been real busy ever since Britney Spears, Playboy Magazine, and the Gap commercials have been around. The media is saturated with babes and sex.

Larry King: Very interesting, Dick. Very interesting indeed. But tell me something, if the motivating factor is to get babes, how do you explain the gay and bi-sexual leanings of some males?

Dick: That’s any easy one, Larry. Like I said, all my sensory input from the male. Some have different filtration systems than others. Some males see a freaking tree, and want me to go to work. Really, it doesn’t matter to me. I just have to hoist a load as much as possible. I really prefer 4 or 5 times a day. If the male doesn’t get it often enough, I start sending directives to find a new cum depot. Or there’s that masturbation thing…

Larry King: (laughing) Wow! 4 or 5 times a day? Wow! Well, now that you did mention it, what are your feelings on masturbation?

Dick: I dunno. I really prefer a nice warm place to work. A nice workplace increases productivity. Masturbation has it’s place, but how would you feel if someone started strangling you until you threw up?

Larry King: (laughing) Not too good, Not to good at all! It’s time for a break, so we’ll be right back with Dick after these messages.

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"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."
- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

"God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh."
- Voltaire (1694-1778)

"I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them."
- Ian L. Fleming (1908-1964)