Okay here is the scenario--My wife seems to have developed a very low libido since we have been together. When we first got together we were like rabbits and i loved it. She started talking about bringing another woman into our bed and just very fun and experimental. AFter she had our first child it got to the point if i was lucky to have sex once a week. Right after my second was born though she got all kinds of horny--we were back to watching porn together--she was giving me head again which never happens and now once again --nothing. I try to talk to her about it but she thinks i am pressuring her. I have tried everything i can think of and the only thing that i can se that changed would be that she is using the new birth control patch--does that affect libido at all? The other thing is she never seeems to want to touch me and let me touch her--she always seems to shy away when i want to finger her or eat her out --she just wants me to stick it in and then gets wierd if i try to make myself last--like she is over it. I am just horny and confused and want to be better for her.

Found here http://my.webmd.com/content/article/84/98116.htm


Member question: Does the birth control patch have more of an effect on libido than the pill?

Wickman: Our theory is the Ortho Evra patch has a more favorable effect on libido, because it does not involve metabolism in the liver or breakdown through the liver, and it is that breakdown in the liver that causes increase in that sex hormone binding protein. So we often switch people from the oral pill to this patch, hoping to make use of that effect. The patch does not seem to increase the sex hormone binding protein, and therefore does not decrease testosterone levels like the oral pill does.

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Honestly, it sounds like there's some emotional issues there. Here are some generic answers for you... they're nonspecific because I don't know you.

One thing that happens in relationships a lot is that the relationship often begins with lots of foreplay... which tapers away. It should be the other way around. You need more foreplay as time goes by. Remember this important thing... for women, foreplay is when you are NOT touching her genitals or breasts. Make a point to touch the rest of her, since she is so sensitive, do it without brushing your dick on her. Brush past her sexual areas, but never touch them. Then, go quietly into the bathroom and leave her be, and have a shower and take care of your need. Quietly.

According to studies, women need 10 meaningful, non-sexual touches per day. Start keeping count. Give her a hug in the morning (a kiss if you have a hard-on, without grinding against her or rubbing on her, that's important, it tells her it's "not about sex"). Brush her shoulder after breakfast. Kiss on the cheek as you leave. Gentle caress on the back when you get home. Etc. No pressure, no sexual attitude. Simple touches.

Since she is into porn, leave some DISCREETLY hidden in your drawer. Get caught sneaking it back in, but downplay it... so she knows it's there, but you didn't MEAN for her to know! (no, really.. ). Stories are better, if you can find any. Hustler magazine, maybe. That sort of thing.

Start helping yourself out, but never do it where she can hear or might see (or if she might see, it's because she's doing something out of the ordinary... going to the bathroom in the bedroom when she is usually cooking, that sort of thing). Keep yourself "satisfied" so that when you are around her, you've just finished yourself, so you can be near her without expectation. That is important when that's her complaint.

Be careful to be romantic. Don't be sexual before, or after, you are romantic. In fact, make a POINT to not be sexual, even if she initiates. Why? Because it makes it clear "this is not to obligate you, this is to be romantic, end of story."

Hopefully, she'll start reading some of the porn and turning herself on. She'll begin to see your romance as being "romance" and not "sex." When you are already satiated when you are with her, the expectation of sex (that desperate needy atmosphere that men can get) will be gone.

Imagine that you have to "woo" her all over again. Basically, you do. Look at her like a whole new aquaintance whom you must get to know. Ask what she did today, take an interest in her... what are her dreams? What is her favorite color, is it the same still? Who is she today? Because she needs to be seen as "her" and not as "your wife" and "their mother." So get to know her again.. date her, court her. Imagine you are going to ask her to "remarry" you... Imagine dating her as if there were no kids and you were 18 again together. What would you do? Where would you take her?

I don't know your situation either, but hope you won't mind my adding one to the above ... If you have 2 (or more) children, it may be in part that she is so busy being a mom and caretaker that she doesn't have time or energy to be all that sexual. Do one chore a day that she would usually do ... don't make a big deal about it, just do it and move on, allow her that little bit of free time ... time where she'll be thinking ... "man, I've got a wonderful man who does little things around the place to help me out" .... pretty soon, she'll be thinking of snuggling up to you while you do a load of dishes, or reaching out to touch you as you move past her with the vacuum.... at least that's what would do it for me if I were in a similar situation.

I have to agree with Fzzy. Nothing turns me on more then seeing my man do stuff around the house. I once read an article that said the best aphrodisiac for a woman is seeing her man do the dishes.

Also its true that the more a woman has sex the more she wants it. I do think she should stop denying you. I do it plenty of times when I don't really feel like it but it always turns out good in the end.

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thank you for all of your advice--what i actually did was realize after I had posted that i needed to explain all of this to my wife. I did and now she understands better the things that i feel as well as i now know it wasnt me--it was the fact that she was so tired going back to work and dealing with the baby during the day while i was at work---thank you all this helped me to verbalize my feelings writing it here and thank you all for your inputs ---it has helped me to understand her a little more and trust me i plan on totting a vacuum around all weekend and we will see what happens

Yay! Go vacuum, young man!

I know that I have been to this point myself. Needy children tugging on you all day and at the end of the day you just don't want to be touched anymore. And then there is the guilt, because you know it is not "his" fault. And if anything is a libido killer it is guilt! Your wife is not alone and the two of you are not in an unusual situation. I loved sweetlady and fzzy's advice. Take away the pressure, you remove the guilt and low and behold, the libido comes back(hopefully)! Good luck to you both!

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About the only thing I can add to the advice already given is "do things to help out because they need to be done and you want to help out". If you run around the house cleaning with the hopes and expectations that she's gonna be thrilled enough to jump in the sack...well, she'll see right through that. If the problem is that she's overwhelmed with the pressures and demands of being a mom, she needs to know that she's not alone it this adventure. That you're there for her to help out with the little things as well as the big things.

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jewelry and chores around the house--this is starting to sound like work

now just to toss some discussion into the mix, and certainly not meaning to hijack yer thread here chap as it seems you got the advice you needed and I'm glad things are looking up

I find it interesting that we are so eager to jump to the defence when a woman is tired and worn out from things that it gives her a reason or "excuse" or a get outta sex free card lol

now I"m hardly saying that they should just give it up anyway thats not what I mean, I just mean that when a person deprives there partner pulling away when they go to touch them and things like that it can really hurt the other person, and yes I mean these thigns go both ways lol I"m not just pickin on the girls here as I know myself I can be not in the mood after a long day of work and having lacked sleep the last few nights and I just don't feel like it

but if things are a consistant like this, wouldn't it be a good idea to get perhaps a counseler or something? it just seems like a good idea as I know if I was going thoug ha situation like this It would certainly kick up my old depressional issues, as I can just see the change reaction going on, she doesn't ever want sex, I'd get down on myself and not bother trying anymore being depressed all the time then she'd be depressed all the time and oh boy the hassle it would be

I'm not directing any of this at anyone , as I stated I"m just making discussion, it just seems like a real ... cruel shall we say... thing to just cut off your partner without explaining things to them as why your acting uninterested in them anymore, of course on the other hand when peopple are tired and down they don't always think straight

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With all the obvious answers covered, let me just add that a woman's hormones can really go ka-phlooey after childbirth. If the vaccuuming and the jewelry don't work, perhaps she should talk to her dr. Maybe get her hormone levels checked.....FSH, LH and the like.....even a drop in female testosterone can cause a real drop in libido....and no, she won't have to take enough to cause male characteristics to fix that......I've also seen quite a few women over the years who develop post-partum thyroid problems.....and getting that lil guy outa whack can create some strange stuff if that's what's going on.....good news is that both are easily rememdied by meds......good luck to you both

now to add to the items being discussed--yes my wife does work and yes she does the majority of the housework. I do have chores that i do. I take care of the kids after 4pm and she has them in the mornings. I do try to do as much around the house as i can and i am always getting her flowers and items like that. My thing isnt so much the sex per se but the fact that she rarely iniates. I did talk with her today and she is going to get a hormone test as she even told me that she feels less sexual that she normally does. So we will see what becomes of that.