Well...I'm a bit worried about posting this for a few reasons, but I really think I need some advice.

Basically, I'm in a long distance relationship - and have been for two years. For the whole duration of the time we've been together we've been apart. He lives in Scotland and I live in England - 200 miles apart. We met online through a website we both used for support at the time, and the website that I now work for as a volunteer supporting people.

We get together when we can, which isn't always possible - and there have been times when it's been months between us seeing each other.

Anyhow - he decided that he wanted to relocate back to North West England, which is where he's from originally and where I live - and has been given a chance of a job down here.

But things haven't been going too well for us recently. He's been having an horrendous time with his employer and is waiting to hear about possibly taking them to court for unfair treatment etc, he's very stressed and ill with it all, at the same time he's trying to plan his move - which is now going to take longer than he thought. I feel bad, because I'm trying to support him as much as I can - I've spent so many days, evenings and weekends listening to him thrash out the problems he's having, and trying my best to help - all to no avail. We don't have fun anymore, we rarely laugh about anything and the last time we met up - we had lots of sex, but not much else - and tbh, I just felt that his heart wasn't in it.

I've tried a few times to talk to him about how I feel and he says he's sorry, but he's stressed etc. The thing is, I've had a fair few major probs myself over the last few months (ill health, losing my job, being unemployed etc) and don't really feel like I've had the support back that I need - and certainly not to the extent I've given him.

It's so hard knowing what to do/say with such a distance between us, and I feel so detached from everything and really low at the moment .

I guess what I'm asking is - with all that's going on - can long distance relationships ever work out? Or do they all end in disaster?

Thanks for reading and sorry to have posted such a long ramble...

cavey
xx

Hi Cave Girl
LDR are hard to say the least. My best friend and i were that way.he was here here i live now and i lived in Arizona. I moved here to get a new start with the now ex hubby.. ok so that didn't work. He and i did end up getting married and he is my soulmate.

Cavey
you have to tell him your concerns and make him listen. Its the only hope to get on the right track again.
Good luck and PM anytime

I believe her comments are sage. A foundation of relationship is good communications. Unless this is a strange temporal situation I would recommend honest communcation. While hot sex is great ultimately I doubt it can sustain a relationship: particularly a long distance relationship.

I'm sorry to read of the reluctance you're feeling about the relationship you're in, but that's not exactly a bad thing. You're not going in to it with blinders on. You've got your eyes open and can see some things that need to be made clear before committing yourself.

Which came first...his plan to move closer or the job offer? I assume that would give you an indication of his level of committment.

Have you witnessed how he handles stress when you're physically together? It would be interesting to know that. We all deal with it differently, and guys tend to keep it internal...something made infinately easier when you're not coming home to someone face to face each night. That can make us seem distant when in reality, we're just trying to wrestle the trouble ourselves instead of burdening you with it. That's an age thing too, by the way. As you get older, you realize that people that care about you WANT to share the burden because they feel better trying to help.

Long distance relationships can work...we've seen them here. But they require you to be honest with yourself, honest with your feelings and to be able to communicate with each other.

We crave physical contact with those that we care for. The warmth of a hug, a held hand, their body next to yours as you sleep...all of it kept from you by distance. And it's easy to get that feeling of detatchment when you're not able to hold that special someone. But it doesn't mean the love isn't there, it's just being overpowered by the need to be reassured and comforted.

(((cavegirl)))

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Though I am different from you,
We were born involved in one another.

For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.

Complete surrender should not just come at moments in which one faces overwhelming odds, but in the calm when it seems one is personally in complete control of one's life.

OK, so here's my input on this. Since you haven't been at Pixies that long, I should fill you in a bit of my background, so that you know that my advice is coming from a 'credible' source of experience:

I met Fussypucker here at Pixies 4 years ago - we dated long distance (about 90 miles) for a year before he moved in with me, leaving his family, job etc. We got on so well, that after a couple of years of living together we got married, moved house and now have a 4 month old son. So yes, LDRs can work out - ours did.

HOWEVER, it's a risk - a HUGE risk. You have no idea whether it's going to work out on a day to day basis with someone until you've had to do it, and only experience will tell you. My advice is not to move in together if you have doubts, and if you are moving in together make sure you spend lots of time together before it happens. Both take a fortnight off work and spend the time together to see how it works out. You'll know after a week whether you'll be happy or drive each other so crazy that it doesn't work out.

On the plus side for your situation, if he's returning to somewhere he once lived, he'll have friends and/or family to rely on, which will make it less difficult for him to adjust and if it doesn't work out, then you're not leaving him high and dry.

On the minus side, your doubts about whether or not this relationship is for you do need to be taken into account. I recommend you spend some time REALLY thinking and listening to your gut. I suspect there's a little tiny voice in there telling you what it thinks one way or the other. With my ex, there was something always telling me it wasn't going to work out, that I wasn't that committed and it took me a long time to start listening to it, but it was such a relief when I did.

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"Time flies like an arrow -
Fruit flies like a banana"

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Guys - thank you so much for your support. I appreciate it so much.

WildIrish ((hugs for you)), in answer to your questions, he'd planned to move closer to me before he knew anything about the job - he is feeling quite lonely where he is at the moment, and has no family or friends where he lives. With regard to the stress thing - he actually handles stress better if I'm around. He does still get stressed, but finds that if we can cuddle up or just chat and be physically together, he is less troubled. When he is on his own in his flat, his stress is much worse...

Loulabelle - thank you for your kindness. I think in all honesty the doubts I'm having have only really arisen since this recent situation with his job troubles occured. Before that there was no issue, and the thought of us planning a new life together was exactly what I wanted and what I dreamed of. Just this last few weeks/months have been so hard for us, and also the feeling that I need support for the probs I have and I'm not getting any back

I think the plan was for him to move down here and us spend weekends living together to see how it went before a big move in -even though he's moving back to the NW we'll still be 40 miles apart. He wants me to help him find somewhere for him to rent, and then once he's in there we find somewhere to live.

Thanks for all your time and for reading this...

a very confused cavey

Everyone else has given you great advice. That fact that you've been together for this long says a lot. Some pixies have carried out LDRs but for me personally, my LDRs have never worked out.

I met a great (I thought) man through one of my friends and we hit it off immediately. We were inseparable. Then, he got a job in a different state (about 400 miles away) and we held onto that for about 3 months. I went and lived with him some and I would come home every other week. One week I came back to Tennessee and called him and couldn't get him. I kept calling and finally decided that I was going to clear his damn voicemail box out so I could leave a message.

In his mail box there were at least 10 messages from a girl. "Hey baby, just wanted to tell you I loved you." "Hey baby, just calling to see when your girlfriend was going to be out of town" shit like that. Oh, I was furious.

I'm not saying this happens to everyone, but it happened to me...He was sleeping with a girl he met on his construction job on the weeks I was at home. He tried to blame it on me and say that I was the cheater, that I was sleeping with my (DYING and now dead) best friend.

I will never have another LDR.

But, as some have said, they certainly can work out with the right level of commitment. Good luck.

I don't have experience with LDR, but I've read and reread your initial post and all the great advice thus far.

I don't feel that the LDR is really at the crux of your query. You didn't place much emphasis on it, but the point you made about giving full support to your bf and still feeling like you are no help while he doesn't seem to give anything back when you are in need seems to be what you are actually asking about. It could be that you are having feelings of resentment about giving your all and getting nothing in return. You have to be honest with yourself in order to communicate with your partner! If these feelings stay under the surface then the relationship will surely suffer. I am not saying it's your fault...I'm just saying that you have to figure out what the real problem is in order to begin to arrest it.

Voltaire said, "Each player must accept the cards life deals them. But once they are in hand, he or she, alone, must decide how to play them in order to win the game."

Life isn't a game...but we do have to decide what it is that we are challenged with in order for us to know how to forge ahead.

Be honest with yourself...and then be honest with your bf.

Hope this helps hun! I wish you the best!

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~Thomas Dewar~

Darlin,

If it is support that you need/want...you have come to the right place. This group here has loads of support to give. They have supported me through so much and I will always be greatful to them for being there when I needed them...So my advise, lean on us, were good for it.

And as far as the LDR...it can be hard but with him being stressed he is focused on himself right now and he really dont see that he is not supporting you the way he needs to.

Now you know in a relationship give and take is not equal right?

it is more 70/30...70% giving 30% taking.

Just my thought
Natalie

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DAMN, YOU ARE A SEXY ONE-skipthisone

I beleive in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve, and I beleive in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days. Kevin Costner/Bull Duram

"Your body as well as mine has needs. This is juat a little foreplay to highten our desire for each other. If we play out the game of love to it's natural conclusion, you'll experience fulfillment. Give yourself up to me and I'll guide you along the path to pareadise. Together we will be like fire and ice, love and hate, life and death." Virginia Henley

WANTED: a moment when you kiss someone and eveything around you becomes hazy. And the only thing in focus is you and this person and you relize that he is the only person your suppose to kiss for the rest of your life. And for one moment you get this amazing gift. You want to laugh and you want to cry. Cause you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared it will all go away at the same time.

Thank you again for your support guys...

I think you probably hit the nail on the head Lixychick. At the crux of all this is the fact that whenever I need some support or for him to just be there for me, he never is as much as I'm there for him.

I don't want this to turn into a thread where I bash my OH, because I do love him - but there was an occasion last year - I lost my Grandmother after a long battle with cancer, and the night after she died he promised he'd call me to talk - three nights later and no contact from him at all, it turned out he'd gone out with his friends drinking instead. It's just one of the occasions when I've felt that I've needed him to lean on and he's left me alone.

We had a 'big talk' last night about everything, and I told him that if things didn't change then this whole situation was going to split us up, because I am very unhappy. The last week or so I've really been struggling badly with my depression again - and he's just had his head in the clouds about it all, and me saying what I did shocked him a bit. He said he was sorry for being so wrapped up in himself and that he loved me and also that there was no way he was going to let his job end our relationship - upshot is that I think we're going to try and sort everything out soon. He'll know in the next few weeks about work and then we're going to go away together for a proper break, just the two of us so we can have some real down time....

Thank you again all so much for replying to me, you've been so good to me and I appreciate each and every one of you taking the time out to respond.

cavey
xx

I'm just giving this a bump up - basically because I'm feeling pretty shit at the moment and just need a rant. Sorry guys.

Since my last post, things improved a lot between me and my OH and in terms of our relationship I guess we're pretty strong at the moment - I'm trying to help him as much as I can - even though things aren't progressing with his job and it's looking more likely he's going to be taking his employers to court.

Due to all the stress, he's become very ill. Last week he had a social worker visit his flat who immediately told him to pack a bag and took him down to A&E to see the duty psychiatrist, with a view to him being sectioned and put in a locked ward for a time. I found out he hadn't been taking his prescribed medications - I should have known, but I didn't...

Anyway, the upshot is now that he didn't have to be admitted then - but he has to have the crisis intervention team visit him everyday to make sure he's taken his tablets, opened his curtains, washed, eaten and got out for a bit if possible. If he doesn't comply, they will admit him and we don't know how long that would be for.

On top of all this I've started my treatment with the psych last week - it's going to be pretty intense and heavy going and I was wiped out after the first session last week.

My OH's social worker wanted to know if he had anyone close by he could talk to - there's only me to support him right now, but they chatted about the things I'd done for him and the guy told him that from what it sounded like I'd saved his life on more than one occasion - and that he had to keep talking to me.

That's really great, and I'm really pleased that I can help and suport him like that and be the one that he turns to. The thing is, it's that old chestnut again - I really could do with some support right now and he really can't give that to me as he's in such a mess and needs me. I'm on my own most of the time - my parents don't support me as far as my mental health goes and I've no-one to lean on.

I don't really know what to do now - there's no way I'm leaving him, I love him to bits - but there's no way he can support me and I'm just lost and lonely right now and feeling scared about the future.

Sorry to rant on

PS - I also wanted to say sorry to the folks who have been in touch with me or tried to get in touch (you know who you are) and I haven't responded to - I'm really really sorry to you all

Not at all Cavey- you're not ranting on, you're asking for help and we'll do what we can.

I feel so sorry that you haven't got enough of a support network around you. As for your parents, in what way are they unable to support you and your mental health? Are they simply not equipped emotionally themselves, or is it that they don't take your issues seriously? Are they part of the problem rather than the solution? I'm not trying to pry, but just trying to understand what the block is there....I mean, if it were simply them not being 'that kind of person' you'd be amazed at how people can rise to the occasion if they realise how much you really need them.

I can totally relate to feeling like you're the one everyone offloads on, and not feeling that you can offload onto anyone else, but sometimes, that's because we see ourselves too much in the 'agony aunt' role and it's hard to ask for help from friends. Funny thing is, with the friends we really love, we'd be heartbroken to find out that they'd struggled on alone when we could have helped.

If you have just one close friend for whom you've been there in the past, I suggest you bite the bullet and get in touch. The chances are, they'll be more than happy to do anything they can to help, even though that probably will just mean listening to you. I know it's sometimes very difficult to ask a friend for help - particularly if you don't feel you have anyone that you're REALLY close to, but remember that it's sharing things like this that make you closer to friends. If you don't share the odd crisis with someone, you won't get past the casual acquaintance phase so just take the risk. Be brave and talk to someone.

Of course if you really feel you don't have anyone you can share things with in the real world, you're always welcome to come here and talk to us. We'll listen but not knowing you in real life, it's sometimes harder for online friends to help out as much as real world ones. We'll always try our best for you though.

Lou
xxx

__________________
"Time flies like an arrow -
Fruit flies like a banana"

M Y - N A U G H T Y - P I C T U R E S ! !

Lou - thanks for your kind words, you really are wonderful ((hugs)).

I appreciate what you're saying about the difference between online/real life friends - I know you're right. I just appreciate it that you've been so kind and wrote back to me.

My folks aren't emotionally able to support me, but at the same time they are dismissive of my problems as being a 'phase' despite me struggling now for the best part of 14 years. So I've actually given over talking to them about it as it's not worth the blank looks and 'pull yourself together' speeches when I do see them/hear from them.

The only partisan person in my life right now is the psych I'm seeing who gives me unbiased advice, we haven't got round to talking 'relationships' yet so I think it might be worth doing so when I next see them.

Unfortunately I lost touch with most of my friends when I was 18 and now most of them are living away or not close enough for me to meet up with and chat - I don't really have a 'best' female friend anymore. God, reading this back makes me see what a sad, pathetic idiot I really am .

Anyhoo - I will try my hardest to sort something out. Hopefully they'll lock me up before they lock my other half up instead and that would solve all our problems



cavey
xx

Sweetheart, you're not alone in the not having a 'best friend'. I haven't really had a 'best friend' since I was 16, and I'm not in real contact with any of my school/college friends so I do understand. I think, to be honest, it's a sign of maturity that you don't have friends whose pockets you live in like when you were at school.

I can also relate to the parents thing. It can be very hard to talk to them about stuff as they either 'don't get it' or when you try to really drive the point home, they think you're having a go at them and their parenting skills.

Anyway, we've skirted around the actual problems you're having here, presumably because you don't want to share it with the wider 'public' of Pixies. I know we don't know each other that well or anything, but if you'd like to talk to me, please PM me and we'll swap e-mail addresses. I don't pretend to be an expert on anything, but I'm usually a pretty good listener and despite my outspoken nature here at Pixies, I don't tend to judge.

Take care of yourself sweetie,

Lou
xxx

__________________
"Time flies like an arrow -
Fruit flies like a banana"

M Y - N A U G H T Y - P I C T U R E S ! !