A woman sitting in an Adelaide restaurant suddenly began to cough.

After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two
locals, Kenzie and Brian sitting at the next table turned to look at her.

"Kin ya swaller" asked Kenzie?
The woman signalled 'No!' desperately shaking her head.

"Kin ya breathe?" asked Brian.

The woman shook her head No!!! With that, Kenzie walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her arse. This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again. Kenzie swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.

Brian said in admiration

"Ya know Kenzie, I'd heard of that bloody Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's
the first time I ever seen somebody do it."

__________________
The selfish, they're all standing in line
Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time
Me, I figure as each breath goes by
I only own my mind

Dallas Air Traffic Control:

"Tower to Saudi Air 911--You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R."

Saudi Air:

"Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on runway 9R. Allah be Praised!"

Dallas ATC:

"Tower to Egypt Air 711--You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."

Egypt Air:

"Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on runway 9R. Allah is Great."

Pause: Static..............


Saudi Air:

"DALLAS ATC! DALLAS ATC!!!"

Dallas ATC:

"Go ahead Saudi Air 911?"

Saudi Air:

"YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY!!! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE!!! INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!!!

Dallas ATC:

"Well bless your hearts. Y'all be careful now---ya hear?"


I'm only passin' it on.......but it IS funny! DM

__________________
The selfish, they're all standing in line
Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time
Me, I figure as each breath goes by
I only own my mind

A wee ned walks into the chemist to get his Methadone. The pharmacist is
pouring some white powder into a bottle and the ned asks,

"Hoi chief, what's that powder?"

The pharmacist replies,

"Askit"

So the wee ned leans over and looks at the powder and says,

"Wee white powder, whit ur ye?"

__________________
The selfish, they're all standing in line
Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time
Me, I figure as each breath goes by
I only own my mind

The first grade teacher was starting a new
lesson on multi-syllable words. She thought
it would be a good idea to ask a few of the
children examples of words with more than
one syllable.

"Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable
words?"

"After some thought Jane proudly replied
with Monday."

"Great Jane. That has two syllables,
Mon......day"

"Does anyone know another word."

"I do! I do!" replied Johnny.

Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of
humor she picks Mike instead.

"OK Mike, what is your word."

"Saturday." says Mike.

"Great, that has three syllables..."

Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says,
"I know a four syllable word. Pick me!
Pick me!"

Not thinking he can do any harm with a
word that large the teacher reluctantly
says, "O.K. Johnny what is your four
syllable word?"

Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion."

Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her
composure says, "Wow, Johnny. Four
syllables! That's certainly is a mouthful."

"No Ma'am, you're thinking of 'blowjob',
but that's only two syllables!"

Two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

A groaner from my grandson....



So there's these 2 muffins in an oven.

They're both sitting, just chilling and getting baked.

And one of them yells "God Damn, it's hot in here!"

And the other muffin replies "Holy Crap, a talking muffin!"

A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman
standing alone. He approached her and asked her name.

"My name is Carmen," she told him.

"That's beautiful," he said. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like
most - cars and men."

"What's your name?" she asked.

"Beertits," he said.

__________________
The selfish, they're all standing in line
Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time
Me, I figure as each breath goes by
I only own my mind

Did you hear about the nurse who died and went straight to hell?? It took her two weeks to realize she wasn't at work!

YOU KNOW YOU ARE A NURSE IF

> You know you're a nurse if.....
> You would like to meet the inventor of the call light some night in a
> dark alley.
>
> Your sense of humor gets more warped each year.
> Almost everything can seemhumorous....eventually.
>
> You know the smell of different diarrhea to identify it.
>
> You can tell the pharmacist more about the medication they are dispensing
> than they know.
>
> You check the caller id on your day off to see if anyone from the
> hospital is trying to call and ask you to work.
>
> You've been telling stories in a restaurant and made someone at another
> table throw up.
>
> You notice that you are using more 4 letter words than you did before you
> started nursing.
>
> Every time someone asks you for a pen ! you can find at least 4 of them on
> you.
>
> You live by the motto "to be right is only half the battle, to convince
> the doctor is more difficult"
>
> You've told a confused patient that your name was that of your coworker
> and to holler if they need help.
>
> Your bladder can expand to the size of a winnebago's water tank.
>
> You find yourself checking out other customers veins in grocery waiting
> lines.
>
> You avoid unhealthy looking shoppers in the mall for fear that they will
> drop near you and you'll have to do CPR on your day off.
>
> Your finger has gone places you never thought possible.
>
> You have seen more penises than any prostitute.
>
> If you are not a nurse and have been sent this by a friend who is, its
> just to help you understand our mindset and questionable mental
> status/sanity.
>
> Most of the time we function in spite of this sick sense of humor, fairly
> normally and very responsibly.
>
> Believe me, this is how we think, ALL THE TIME.
> Scary huh??


A LOT of truth in this btw!!

DM

__________________
The selfish, they're all standing in line
Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time
Me, I figure as each breath goes by
I only own my mind

Now, this would be some phone call!!

DM

Attached Images

Voda4G.jpg (142.5 KB, 71 views)

__________________
The selfish, they're all standing in line
Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time
Me, I figure as each breath goes by
I only own my mind

A girl went to her doctor, who told her she only had six months to live. No, there was no chance of a cure, the best thing she could do was to marry an accountant.
It wasn't going to cure her but it would make her remaining time seem so much longer.

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

After a night of drinking, Jack crept into bed beside his wife
Ann who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek
and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing
at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who
the hell are you?" demanded Jack, "and what are you doing in
my bedroom?"

The mysterious man answered, "This isn't your bedroom. I'm St.
Peter."

Jack was stunned, "You mean I'm dead! That can't be! I have so
much left to do. I haven't even had a chance to say goodbye to
my family. You've got to send me back right away."

St Peter replied, "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a
catch--we can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

Jack was devasted, but knowing there was a farm not far from
his house he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light
later and he was covered in feathers and clucking around
pecking the ground.

"This ain't so bad," he thought until he felt this strange
feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So you're the new
hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad," replies Jack, "but I have this strange
feeling inside like I'm about to explode."

"You're ovulating," explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've

never laid an egg before."

"Never," replied Jack.

"Well just relax and let it happen."

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds an egg
popped out. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and
his emotions got the better of him as he experienced
motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg,
the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that
being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had ever
happened to him!

The joy kept coming, and as he was just about to lay his
third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head
and heard his wife shouting, "Jack, wake up you drunken
bastard! You're shitting all over the bed."

"Mummy! Mummy! Whats an orgasm?"

"I don't know - ask your father"

The madam opened the brothel door to see a
> >rather dignified well-dressed, good looking man in
> >his late 40s or early 50s.
> >
> > "May I help you?" she asked. "I want to see
> >Natalie," the man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of
> >our most expensive ladies, Perhaps you would prefer
> >someone else," said the madam.
> >
> > "No. I must see Natalie," was the man's
> >reply. Just then, Natalie appeared and announced to
> >the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without
> >hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred
> >dollar bills, gave them to Natalie, and they went
> >upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
> >
> > The next night, the same man appeared again,
> >demanding to see Natalie.
> >
> > Natalie explained that none had ever come back
> >two nights in a row--too expensive--and there were
> >no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the
> >man pulled out the money, gave it to Natalie and
> >they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
> >
> > The following night the man was there again.
> >Everyone was astounded that he had come for the
> >third consecutive night, but he paid Natalie and
> >they went upstairs. After their session, Natalie
> >questioned the man. "No one has ever hired me three
> >nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked. The man replied,
"South
> >Carolina."
> >
> > "Really" she said. "I have family in South
> >Carolina." "I know," the man said. "Your father died
> >and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to
> >give you your $3,000 inheritance."
> >
> > The moral of the story is that three things
> >in life are certain:
> >
> > 1. Death
> >
> > 2. Taxes
> >
> > 3. Being screwed by a lawyer
> >
> >

A woman is very distressed because she has not
Been married
Very long and yet her husband has lost interest in
Sex. So,
She goes to see her doctor and relays the problem.

The doctor doesn't seem worried at all and tells
Her that it
Is nothing serious, that her husband has merely
Lost his
Animal instincts. The doctor tells her to crumble
Some dog
Biscuits on her husband's cereal every morning
Without telling
Him, and little by little this will bring out the
Savage beast
In him. He wishes her good luck and tells her to
Come back
In a week with a progress report.


A week later the woman returns to the doctor, who
Asks how
Her husband is.


"He's dead," she replies.


"Dead?" the doctor asked.



The woman says, "Yes. He was sitting in the
Driveway licking
His balls, and I backed over him with the car.

Once there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked
beans. She loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.

Then one day she met a man and fell in love. When it became
apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet
and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on."

She made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months
later her car broke down on the way home from work.

Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told
him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way, she
passed a s mall diner and the or of the baked beans was more than she could
stand.

Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would
walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home.
So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had
consumed three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home she putt-putted, and upon arriving home she
felt reasonably sure she could control it.
Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed
delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table.
She seated

herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from
his wife, the telephone rang.

He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he
returned. He then went to answer the telephone.

The&bsp;baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and
the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of
the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let
it go.

It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck
running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill.

She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously.

Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more,
which reminded her of cooked cabbage.

Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room,
she went on like this for another ten minutes.

When the telephone farewells signaled the end of her freedom,
she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and
folded her hands upon it, smi ling contentedly to herself.

She was the picture of innocence whn er husband returned,
apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him
that she had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was
surprised!!!

There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish
her a "Happy Birthday"!!!